When I began writing about coming to terms with having multiple personalities/dissociative identity disorder about a year ago or so the idea of accepting that there has been a BIG chunk of my life that I did not know anything about has been a struggle. The idea that so much could have been done in my life and yet, I haven’t known it – it’s hard to accept. I mean, I remembered hanging out with my friends like all the time. But when they would make comments suggesting that they were not with me like I thought – I dismissed them as being crazy. So – I had NO clue that any abuse was happening or that I had a bunch of other personalities handling the abuse.
For memories of abuse to be so well removed from my own memory means these memories are pretty horrible. The memories of what was done are so horrible – really it is not something anybody wants to fantasize about.
Sometimes, acceptance is so far down recovery road that just acknowledging we are victims of a certain genre of abuse can be overwhelming to the point of nausea and passing out. While I read passing out from recovering traumatic memories is extremely rare, there is one type of abuse that would make me extremely sick and pass out at the mere mention of it. It has taken more than a year to come to terms with the idea this was possible before I could talk to my husband without getting sick over it.
Other memories can be entirely confusing because – I’m a catholic girl, and would really like to be a good catholic woman and frankly – I personally would never do these things (relating to satanic ritual abuse) in a million years under any condition. The idea that any part of me could have been programmed or abused into following their orders has also been tough to accept.
God’s Divine and Infinite Mercy – as long as I am willing to say I am sorry, then I can be confident in His forgiveness! Praying the Divine Mercy chaplet really helped me look at the horrible memories that God was shining His light on. Also, I can not stress enough:
Pray that God will help you to know and accept the truth!
There is only one truth. 1 truth about my life and I ask God who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life to help me have the courage to know and accept this in my life.
Try to accept the worst. Open your mind, loosen the hardened heart. Protecting ourselves is only hurting us.
Yesterday was Sexagesima Sunday according to the traditional Catholic calendar. This means we are about sixty days before Easter. The priest connected the epistle and gospel in a wonderful way and inspired me to write today.
Epistle • 2 Corinthians 11:19-33; 12:1-9
Gospel • Luke 8:4-15
In the epistle, St Paul said “but for myself I will glory nothing but in my infirmities”. The epistle also mentions suffering. Then the Gospel talked about someone spreading seeds on the ground and how depending on the type of soil the seed lands on the seed may or may not bear fruit. The seed being the word of God and we are the soil. Click the link above to read the epistle and gospel.
Ground that is tough and infertile will not help a seed grow, but if we can see our weaknesses and problems with humility we can loosen that soil. People who have been neglected and abused during childhood learn that we must protect ourselves. Oftentimes when we do that we harden our own hearts to make ourselves as strong as possible. We were only children trying to hold it together. So we firmly hold on to all of the ideas and teachings that sustain us.
Hey, doing this kept me alive, so I don’t knock it as long as it’s keeping you going. However, I am older and stronger now. I don’t have to protect myself the same way now as I did then.
Yes, I hardened my heart and swallowed my tears (like the song, lol). And in order to loosen that heart and loosen the soil I must grab a garden fork and stab myself in the heart with it. It is painful, but in a way that is what it feels like to accept the worst. I had to die to myself and every idea and self perception. So, you dig down deep with the garden fork and turn things around. You loosen the soil, loosen your heart. Now the brokenness is even more real, it’s more painful now that I am conscious of it. But, the air suddenly is reaching my heart and I can breath! The water is penetrating me and, you know what – my heart is not so brittle and cracked from drought anymore! When you lift up your brokenness to God, it is then His grace can penetrate you and do the most healing. It is when I could be honest with myself – accepting the truth about my life – that God could really do some pretty darn amazing things to aid the healing process.
So, have courage. God is with you. God sees all and knows all. He knows all of your thoughts even better than you do. Be brave and face yourself.