Tag Archives: recovering memories

Still Quiet

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About nine years ago already was my first flashback.  It only consisted of two hands and arms of a boy wrestling with me to hold me down.  This flashback was triggered by my husband being affectionate with me.   I could not see anything other than two hands and forearms.  My eyes were open, but I could not see my husband.  I couldn’t see anything other than these two half arms pinning me down – or trying to.  I was moaning while my husband held me but I was reliving childhood, fighting a boy.  It took my husband a few times of asking “What’s going on?” while he was holding me before I could get a good grip on reality.

Our third child was only a baby at the time and we were living with my parents.  Needless to say life was stressful.  My initial reaction was to finally think I was actually abused at some point during childhood – but probably only one time and that’s why I had forgotten it.  Four years later I had my next flash back involving a satanic ritual where some man was wearing an animal head with horns.  Between my first and second flashback I absolutely POUNDED my brain for memories!  And, yeah, I did get quite a few memories, but what I recalled back then did not paint the picture which is before me presently.  The memories I retrieved were choppy and didn’t make sense.  They didn’t fit together.  In fact the truth was still being furiously protected.  I was more willing to believe a new lie, just to protect myself from the truth.

One good thing about the various ideas I had about my past was that even though I may not have been completely accurate to begin with – the exploration helped me to become capable of handling the truth.  Much of what I retrieved initially was actually correct, but some of it was not.  Now that I can see more of the whole picture – I am ok with having been wrong at times.

It is knowing that I am not perfect and can interpret things incorrectly at times that helped me to keep all of this crap to myself for so darn long!  From the very beginning my goal was to keep the commandments.  One in particular I have done my best to keep is to not bare false witness.  Knowing there was no substantial proof to bring forward allowing me to say, “See… See it now!  My uncle did this!!” all I could do was keep it inside.  I never went up to anybody accusing them of abuse.  But, you know what, I never had to.  Asking questions to try and figure out if any of this was worth pursuing was enough to break the family apart.

That was all I needed to move forward, at least within myself.  As long as I have no proof or witnesses to support my lonely word I can not go to my family.  This is just me, other people and families are in different positions.  My family is not in danger by my keeping this to myself.  But, the danger of divulging what I discovered is much much more severe.  Maybe that is just the programming though.  Either way most people in my family wouldn’t believe any of this and if anybody did it would cause so much strife.  I have told who I needed to tell what I needed to tell.

It is hard to keep this to myself – to be so anonymous.  So many times the intense compulsion to open up to my brothers or anybody else in my family nearly won out over sense.

So many times the burden of this trial made me cry out to just reprogram me – let me forget what I remember!!  But, I have hope and faith that one day I will be able to open up to my family.  At that point the burden, the cross may seem to be put down for a moment and transformed into a new burden.

The point is, patience has served very useful so far.  If I had told people years ago they would have only heard my immediate interpretation of these memories which really was a very narrow scope.  I understand now that there is SOOOO much more going on.  The most important understanding of the past didn’t come until after I was accepting of the few shocking memories that came back.  Looking back at the journey so far I would have stopped a long time ago had my husband not supported me in healing.  If one or two people even mentioned disbelief before I was strong enough psychologically to defend what I know now is true it would have made me crumble and give up.

So keep praying, put one foot in front of the other every day – and before you know it there is a lot of healing behind you.

—Dory

Seeking my interior castle through hypnosis

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So, finally, like Alice before falling into wonderland, I saw the rabbit hole and dove in.  Falling down a rabbit hole is not always quick.  You move as fast or as slow as your mind allows.  My husband researched hypnosis and we gave it a shot.  I have a Ton of trust in my husband!  Anyway, it really didn’t work at first.  It took a while to make that leap of faith and allow my mind to fall into my husbands hands.  I was down-right resistant to hypnosis.  We tried to make it work for weeks, but gave up.  Then somehow I gathered up the courage to let it all go and give it another shot.

At first my interior home was a disheveled shack.  I went inside and looked for memories.  The first memories to surface were most likely necessary in order for subsequent memories to build upon.  My husband was very careful not to say anything that could give a hypnotic suggestion or color the manner the memories came up.  Each memory provided a certain piece to my inner memory matrix.  Each piece I grab helps bring another piece into reach.

For a long time (and still at times) I had intrusive images that were very disturbing flash into my head.  While I became pretty good at suppressing them, it really wore me out if any image was particularly stubborn.  Other times there was a memory carousel of sorts – flashes of various images showing up.  My husband helped me to feel comfortable addressing these things instead of merely shoving them off.  He helped me to stop the memory carousel from turning, go back to any image I wanted, grab it, take it down and really look at it.

The heart within knows the truth.

Some images were metaphorical in nature, and not to be taken literally while others were exact memories that I could take down and place back within the memory matrix.  For single intrusive images I learned to practice courage while being afraid of what my mind was trying to tell me.  It’s not easy.

This was invaluable in being able to move forward in healing from the hidden past.

As time wore on and I became more comfortable using hypnosis we discovered there was actually a castle – an interior castle.  This castle was fortified with a weak little fence, and a whole bunch of landmines!  The mines were representative of the various triggers that were set in place through psychological/mental programming.  These mines all were set to go off if I had ever discovered a memory or even thought of the possibility that I lived a double life.  There were hundreds of mines set up to go off when triggered.  When triggered, the mine would blow, leaving me in the real world spinning into an out of control mess.  Other times, just being chaotic and hopeless wasn’t enough – I was suicidal.

My mind had been set up to resort to anything in order to keep my core from knowing the truth.

So, during hypnosis I had to find all the mines and dis-arm each and every one.  This took weeks to finish because there were so many!  Usually each mine was set to trigger another mine as well, so I had to really explore the castle grounds for hidden wires. Each mine was also wired to the castle.  I had to disconnect the mines to the castle as well.  Sometimes, a landmine was stubborn and popped back up.  When this happened I had to carefully disarm the mine in my brain and look deeper.  Usually there was something keeping it from going away for good.  Eventually I gave myself a hose with holy water to stop the mines from doing any evil – hey, when you are working in your head all you need is to believe!

My husband and I worked through hypnosis about 5 nights a week methodically.  He is an analyst and has a passion for learning.  He has no problem reading volumes of books or on the internet.  Anyway, because of the love and trust that is already there for my husband that meant I did not have to take months getting comfortable with some therapist I do not know.  We could also work through therapy at our own pace.  Plus, I can call him any time.  Once I became comfortable letting him into my head hypnotically we were able to progress  pretty quickly.  There were times we had to take a month off or so because I needed time to process what was going on inside of my selves, but then we would pick back up again.

Once the landmines were all dealt with and disposed of it was time to enter the castle.  Upon entering, I discovered demons in every room – which meant spiritual and psychological battle.  You see, I believe that we do battle in this world on two levels.  We do battle temporally, with what and who we see, how we think, what we say and do.  We also do battle morally or spiritually.  That is when we face temptation to do something flat out wrong, or even just less good for us personally.  I also believe that when a person lives with or is battling (use whatever phrase suits you best) a mental illness, I believe the devil uses that to his best advantage in order to prevent us from leaning on God, or to distract us, but always there is a much bigger picture that the devil is focused on painting or achieving – including doing his best to keep us from going to heaven.

So out came the sacramentals in my mind.  I equipped myself with a back-pack that had a hose for holy water and a bag of St Benedict medals.  I used various prayers or exorcisms to rid my mind of as much attachment or personal calling there could be to the demons.  This all probably sounds strange – even to catholics, but after cleaning out the castle I did feel more peace.

My God, make us to be of one mind in the Truth and of one heart in charity

-St. Pius X

3 Memories, Ch. 2

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Along with the memories which made some sense to me that I could actually place within some kind of sense of my own reality were other memories that made no sense and would not fit easily within the chronology of my life.  These memories fell into two categories:  Science or Mind Control, Rituals and Ritual Abuse.

***These may be triggering for other people with DID***

 

#1          This took place in the mid 1980’s.            I remember laying in the dark, strapped down to a cold table in a cold dark room.  Then I would see a man – not very tall, probably in his 60’s, medium length salt and pepper hair.  He wore glasses and a lab coat.  Leather straps prevented me from turning my head.  I could not move.  I remember him leaning in, staring at me like I was some rat he was experimenting on. (Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage, thank you Smashing Pumpkins)  There were strobe lights flashing, they just kept flashing – and the lights would change speed on occasion.  All I could see was the bright white flashes filling this makeshift lab.  Then the flashes would turn to red – that was my attempt to close my eyes and avoid the visual over-stimulation.   Eventually (this type of thing happened many times) I had started seeing things after the lights were used – actually, I saw demons.  That monster scarred me so thoroughly, I screamed so loud – that was when the doctor leaned in, when I was the most vulnerable and frightened, “you are not who you think you are, you do not live with your parents…”  He provided the framework to split my personality.  He, and my uncle, fully intended to give me a split personality.

#2          Under the other category, the first images to pop up consisted of men carrying torches while walking to a certain place.   It seemed pretty “Frankenstein” like.  As time went on, I have actually recovered more of the memories pertaining to ritual abuse, than the splitting of my personality.

It was very difficult to discern the truth.  Were these things coming from the devil just to torment me?  Was this coming from my own imagination as a way to explain certain difficulties I’ve had through life?  I had prayed and worked for so long, but it wasn’t enough.  I decided to talk to the parish priest.

He was honest and said he didn’t know what to say!  He asked my permission to go to his superior about our conversation, and I certainly gave him the permission.  Later on, he got back to me with a deliverance statement which his superior obtained from an exorcist.  This was not an exorcism, but a way to curb the effects of the devil and open the path for God’s help.  I don’t have the time right now, but will create a page with this statement of deliverance on it.  I made this deliverance every day and trusted as hard as possible – I prayed that God would help me to know the truth about my life.  God is Truth, right?  There can be only one truth, just like there can be only one truth about my life – and God knows it, I just need the courage and strength to accept the truth!

After a couple months came the next flashback.  This one, like my first one, was real – I was re-experiencing this memory.  Even though I was re-experiencing a memory, I still had a couple blank spots, but, there was a lot more information given this time!

#3          My uncle brought me outside.  He lived in an old house on about an acre of land.  There was a group of men standing outside waiting for us.  My uncle had a very serious look on his face.

This seemed to be some sort of initiation involving being covered with spiders, and rape by a person wearing an animal head.  I am sorry if that is too much for anyone reading…

When it was over we walked inside.  My aunt was inside the kitchen, wearing her robe.  Her hair was pulled back.  She was crying, asking what was going on.  My uncle put me to bed and said he was going to “take care of” my aunt.  I didn’t see her the next day.

As horrible as it is to finally remember these things, it also feels really good to know more and more pieces of the truth.

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