Tag Archives: marriage

Still Quiet

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About nine years ago already was my first flashback.  It only consisted of two hands and arms of a boy wrestling with me to hold me down.  This flashback was triggered by my husband being affectionate with me.   I could not see anything other than two hands and forearms.  My eyes were open, but I could not see my husband.  I couldn’t see anything other than these two half arms pinning me down – or trying to.  I was moaning while my husband held me but I was reliving childhood, fighting a boy.  It took my husband a few times of asking “What’s going on?” while he was holding me before I could get a good grip on reality.

Our third child was only a baby at the time and we were living with my parents.  Needless to say life was stressful.  My initial reaction was to finally think I was actually abused at some point during childhood – but probably only one time and that’s why I had forgotten it.  Four years later I had my next flash back involving a satanic ritual where some man was wearing an animal head with horns.  Between my first and second flashback I absolutely POUNDED my brain for memories!  And, yeah, I did get quite a few memories, but what I recalled back then did not paint the picture which is before me presently.  The memories I retrieved were choppy and didn’t make sense.  They didn’t fit together.  In fact the truth was still being furiously protected.  I was more willing to believe a new lie, just to protect myself from the truth.

One good thing about the various ideas I had about my past was that even though I may not have been completely accurate to begin with – the exploration helped me to become capable of handling the truth.  Much of what I retrieved initially was actually correct, but some of it was not.  Now that I can see more of the whole picture – I am ok with having been wrong at times.

It is knowing that I am not perfect and can interpret things incorrectly at times that helped me to keep all of this crap to myself for so darn long!  From the very beginning my goal was to keep the commandments.  One in particular I have done my best to keep is to not bare false witness.  Knowing there was no substantial proof to bring forward allowing me to say, “See… See it now!  My uncle did this!!” all I could do was keep it inside.  I never went up to anybody accusing them of abuse.  But, you know what, I never had to.  Asking questions to try and figure out if any of this was worth pursuing was enough to break the family apart.

That was all I needed to move forward, at least within myself.  As long as I have no proof or witnesses to support my lonely word I can not go to my family.  This is just me, other people and families are in different positions.  My family is not in danger by my keeping this to myself.  But, the danger of divulging what I discovered is much much more severe.  Maybe that is just the programming though.  Either way most people in my family wouldn’t believe any of this and if anybody did it would cause so much strife.  I have told who I needed to tell what I needed to tell.

It is hard to keep this to myself – to be so anonymous.  So many times the intense compulsion to open up to my brothers or anybody else in my family nearly won out over sense.

So many times the burden of this trial made me cry out to just reprogram me – let me forget what I remember!!  But, I have hope and faith that one day I will be able to open up to my family.  At that point the burden, the cross may seem to be put down for a moment and transformed into a new burden.

The point is, patience has served very useful so far.  If I had told people years ago they would have only heard my immediate interpretation of these memories which really was a very narrow scope.  I understand now that there is SOOOO much more going on.  The most important understanding of the past didn’t come until after I was accepting of the few shocking memories that came back.  Looking back at the journey so far I would have stopped a long time ago had my husband not supported me in healing.  If one or two people even mentioned disbelief before I was strong enough psychologically to defend what I know now is true it would have made me crumble and give up.

So keep praying, put one foot in front of the other every day – and before you know it there is a lot of healing behind you.

—Dory

Caught in the Middle Between Multiple Personalities (DID) and Marriage

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Internal conflicts… that which hits the at the heart of who my alters are and why they exist; the very reason from what I can tell so far, that one alter split into two and so on.  My husband is an empath and picks up on the deepest parts of my emotions.  He has picked up  on things which for years I would not accept, and now find are true.

Here is what I know of my Others so far:

It started with Emily.  She is my little girl.  She’s about 10, but has the maturity of a 5 or 6 year old.  She faced the initial horrors which brought her into being.  Somehow Nicea came into the mix.  She had a different name to begin with, but (ok, I know this sounds weird but go with it) Jesus brought her up into my awareness out of the pits of my deepest interior hell during one of my hypnosis sessions with my husband.  Jesus renamed her.  I typically refer to her as Nicky.  Nicky holds all of the pain and suffering physically and emotionally that the other girls can not live with.  If Jesus did not show her to me I would have thought she was a demon plaguing me, honestly.  At some point during puberty (I hate the word, ug) Josie was split off.  I believe the reason she was split is due to my body growing and being able to feel enjoyment during sex.  She somehow developed out of Emily’s rejection of and hatred for all sexual enjoyment and anyone involved with the act.  Emily held on to that which made sense to her, while Josie developed in the backround at first.  Josie embodies Emily’s inability to connect with other people and enjoy the world around her.  Josie can act well socially around others and really enjoys sex.

Before Nicky was brought out from the darkness, Emily had a very intellectual and objective personality.  She was very curious and had many questions.  She still has the questions, but since Nicky completes her in a way, the intense emotions of a child who has been traumatized have been restored to Emily’s nature.  Nicky is also the protector of Emily.

In addition to those three major players there are the personality traits.  I like to call them aspects of our personality.  These aspects may be major parts of who I am that have been suppressed as a side effect from the abuse and programming.  The aspects include joy, playfulness, setting goals, and even my sense of justice.  There are many different aspects to our personality.  It is possible the programming directly caused the suppression of many of these aspects – like leadership and goals and justice which would be in direct conflict with the programming.

The major conflict at this point has to do with my marital physical relationship.  My husband has long picked up on Nicky’s hatred for, Emily’s pain from, and Josie’s longing for our physical relationship.  I, personally, am indifferent.  The conflicting emotions from my others leave me wishing the human race didn’t have to reproduce in the manner we do.  I don’t feel that way out of dislike or hatred for the act, but rather out of utter frustration with the act.  I do not orgasm – that’s Josie’s arena.  I don’t loathe the physical nature of humanity – that’s Emily’s arena.  I am caught in the middle.  All I am left with is indifference.  I could take it or leave it.  I don’t mind it, but I don’t see what all the fuss is about.  People act like sex is the be all end all of human existence and I just don’t get it.  (To clarify, technically sex is the reason for human existence but what I mean to point out is how much sex has thoroughly taken over our culture)  Look at all the psychological and physical trauma sex causes!  It even causes trouble when it is used morally within marriage.  I know it can be a holy and very good act, but there is nowhere to be found a clue as to how to turn sex from something abusive, raunchy, or selfish into something loving, beautiful, giving, and even holy.  But what do I know.  If I was to look for an answer to that question my others would keep fighting about it and nobody involved would be helped even if the answer was staring me in the face.

Then there is my wonderful empathic husband.  Because of his empathy and analytical skills my alters and I have come as far as we have.  But, when it comes to marriage, there has been trouble.  Like I mentioned, he picks up on what I am feeling even stronger than I do.  So, while I am feeling fine about touching each other, he picks up on the emotions stirring under the surface which makes the experience very trying on him mentally as well.  It has gotten to the point where Emily and Josie are fighting over control of my body regardless of my awareness.  I, myself, will be ready to be with my husband mentally, but physically my body won’t allow it.  Other times I am mentally not in the mood but Josie will keep pushing me and my body refuses to relax until I get some.  My husband at this point is exceptionally frustrated with the whole thing as am I.

One good thing coming out of this so far is that I am learning how to become stronger in my core.  I must step up and say, I am married and care for my husband!  I love him and WANT to take care of him!  Still, it’s not easy.  In a way, I think my others are kind of relieved to know I am increasing in strength.

Healing and getting stronger is a very exhausting process!

Back to the beginning…

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Discovering something severe did occur in my childhood was not easy to accept – even though I had enough reason to accept it.  Anything short of the truth simply would not be enough.  I had to know what really happened and if I was barking up the wrong tree.  I needed validation.  Walking this path without proof has been an excellent exercise in practicing faith and hope in prayer and real life, let me tell ya!  It means leaning on God and believing He is not only listening to your prayers, but guiding you from within as well.

Still, my personal need for validation overwhelmed me and I gave in to it.  About 8 months after talking to a priest, I talked again to my aunt.  I asked her more about the old babysitter, she gave me more information on them.  I brought up the flashbacks I had (I expressed these in previous posts).  That was when her anxiety became visible.  She shifted her stance, rolled her eyes so hard her head went along too.

I did my best to allow her to put the blame on me.  I told her these could be false memories, that I am just trying to figure out what happened.  She went back to the old couple who babysat my brothers and I.  I had even brought up my uncle when talking about the memories that came up, but she did not bother once trying to defend anyone.

My aunt was already mad at my mom (her twin) for wanting to find the daughter my aunt had given up for adoption (this girl one of my alters is named for so my aunt could play mom to me/her).  When this recent development came up, my aunt decided to give up any relationship with my mom.  How do you do that to your own twin sister?  How do you betray your own family so much that you allow your own niece to be used in cult practices?? I don’t understand – but I do know that I will be required to forgive those that hurt me!  Argh – anyway…

I did what I could to mend my mom’s relationship with her twin.  I sent a letter giving my aunt every opportunity to say “none of this is true, you are wrong,” but she wouldn’t do it.  My mom had asked her sister if it was possible my uncle may have abused me, could anything have happened – but my aunt refused to answer that question.  She only acted offended, yet refused to say that her husband never abused me.  She wouldn’t even lie.  There were so many times I wished somebody would tell me nothing ever happened.  Then I could go on believing the lies I had been fed.

My dad heard by this point that I thought I may have been abused as a child.  His reaction was mixed,  half denial, half shock.  I haven’t brought it up again with my parents.  This was a couple years ago.

This event pretty much ended the preliminary searching and questioning my view of reality.  This experience helped me to see there is in fact more to my life than I or anyone else has been willing to admit.  Nobody could tell me the truth, and that meant I had to go deep within my self in order to unlock the memories already there, just hidden.

A couple months later my husband and I began our own therapy.  Honestly, I believe this works out best for us. I had been to several therapists in the past, none of whom were any help.  I saw a psychiatrist who only diagnosed me with ADHD.

I had NO idea how well my husband and I matched up when we got married.  God really did have a plan for us.  My husband has a very unique life history which combined with his God-given nature has made him the best man for the job!  It is like God guided our lives (given how human free will has impacted us in tremendous negative ways it astounds me that God somehow did this without going against free will) in such a way that everything the devil did, God was able to out-do!  Which, makes sense – God is all-powerful omnipotent – it just puts me in awe when I think about the semi-big picture.  Even through all the pain thrust at me as a child, even though it seemed like the devil may win because numerous people around me knowingly rejected God, somehow – I have a lot to be thankful for!

Even though the truth hurts, it does set you free.  Even though I suffer low lows along with nice level times – somehow – even when I fall, God is right there waiting and offering me a hand up (even when I’m too hurt to believe it).

Triggered by Parenting

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Today began pretty normal – tired waking up, but readying my self for a new day.  The older kids went to school while the little ones stay behind.  To begin with I felt very positive.  I said morning prayers and intended to write about my experiences with angels.  Then something happened.  My daughters started fighting – not the physical fighting, but the kind of fighting that leaves you feeling unwanted and left out.

A door slams.

“She won’t play with me!”

I go in and try to bring peace and unity to siblings.  The younger girls want to be like their older sisters.  Today, one of my daughters is home sick.  So my 5 year old decided she was going to play in her sister’s room – without her 3 year old sister.  Naturally the 3 yo is upset.  I find a solution with a different set of toys she could play with in the living room.  So what happens, the two older sisters come out and start playing with the toys I set up for my 3 yo.  Emotions soar quickly in a house of girls!  My 3 year old goes 0 to 60 emotionally in half a second it seems.

The trigger strengthens.

I yelled, “NO, you have to play nicely together!”   Immediately I feel terrible about yelling and within minutes sink into complete hopelessness.  I deal with that by texting my poor husband at work.  It helps me, but can’t say its easy for him to deal with.  Just prior to this I had texted him that I was quitting potty training – It feels impossible to be consistent at anything.  Through the texting I continued to express how angry and hopeless I was, how worthless I feel as a parent, and my “Why” questions about God.

My husband is pretty used to me by now.  He responded after the flurry of emotional texts was over without reacting to my emotions.  He suggested that I was triggered.  He was correct.  So, in spite of myself I started calming down at the mere suggestion that I was being triggered.

I still do not feel safe in groups.  As a child, the other kids around always left me behind.  They left me alone to be abused.  My brothers left me behind, my parents left me behind, and groups of kids left me behind.  So, when one of my kids gets upset that someone won’t play with them – I get triggered.  The problem is, I’m not sure there is anything I can do to prevent that experience from occurring.  Knowing now this is a trigger will help.  The trouble is with calming the intensity that being triggered imposes on the mind and body.

holly14_angels

“When you feel the assaults of passion and anger, then is the time to be silent as Jesus was silent in the midst of his ignominies and sufferings.”  — St Paul of the Cross (1694-1775)

Hello, my name is Josie?

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Hello, my name is Josie.  🙂  (One of the alters)  Here I thought I had so much to say!  Anyway, I had a dream last night.  I was looking at a photo album with baby pictures of myself.  There was a picture of a very cute baby girl.  Now that we have access to more memories from the core (Dory) I know – that baby looked nothing like my real baby pictures!  Funny, huh?  It’s just wierd…

I was named for my aunt’s (supposedly my mother) daughter who she gave up for adoption.  The other Josie was actually a year older than I actually am!  They even gave me her birthday!  Since my aunt and real mom are twin sisters, people would mix them up regularly.  That way when someone came up to me/Dory/whoever the heck I was and asked how my mom was doing it didn’t matter who was the front person, because Dory would always say “oh, you must mean my aunt – she is my mom’s twin sister” and they would be like, “oh, tell her I say hi.”  One time somebody made a mistake.  The conversation started the same – “how’s your mom” yada yada. But she went on this time – Oh, I had no idea she has a twin sister.  Then she let out a little more…  “I thought you were adopted by another family in the area, but would still spend time with [the aunt], I thought you knew”

Usually, people would stop talking after they heard our aunt was a twin.  This was interesting anyway.  So, I am not really the real person — How do you like that??  I had friends and a whole social circle of people that I really thought had some sense of loyalty.  No, now I find out they probably were more interested in the novelty of being involved with someone they had the ability to control!  I am reminded of Dory hearing about how everybody loves Josie, not so much her.  That is because she is a good Catholic girl – not the kind of person my friends would typically befriend unless they could turn her.   I have learned they are loyal to the point of something being in it for themselves.

If the people who did this to us could be equated with vampires, then Dory married Van Helsing.  A very loyal and stubborn man!  Ever since getting married we have had no contact with them – and we are happy for it!  I like Dory’s life.  It gets a little lonely without friends – but to be honest I don’t have much in common with anybody.

I don’t feel like a slave to the devil anymore.  Being free spiritually is so much better than being a slave to the devil with many friends.  Without our husband we would still be involved in the rituals and surely the programming would get updated.

From Psalm 30:

Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am afflicted: my eye is troubled with wrath, my soul, and my belly:

[11] For my life is wasted with grief: and my years in sighs. My strength is weakened through poverty and my bones are disturbed. [12] I am become a reproach among all my enemies, and very much to my neighbours; and a fear to my acquaintance. They that saw me without fled from me. [13] I am forgotten as one dead from the heart. I am become as a vessel that is destroyed.[14] For I have heard the blame of many that dwell round about. While they assembled together against me, they consulted to take away my life. [15] But I have put my trust in thee, O Lord: I said: Thou art my God.

[16] My lots are in thy hands. Deliver me out of the hands of my enemies; and from them that persecute me. [17] Make thy face to shine upon thy servant; save me in thy mercy. [18] Let me not be confounded, O Lord, for I have called upon thee. Let the wicked be ashamed, and be brought down to hell. [19] Let deceitful lips be made dumb. Which speak iniquity against the just, with pride and abuse. [20] O how great is the multitude of thy sweetness, O Lord, which thou hast hidden for them that fear thee! Which thou hast wrought for them that hope in thee, in the sight of the sons of men.

http://drbo.org/chapter/21030.htm

Chapter 1, Continued…

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It is good to have the internet again!  After over two months away – I am finally able to continue what I began.  The date I signed up with WordPress was September 19 which was the feast of Our Lady of La Salette.  Here are a couple sites which give information on Our Lady of La Salette:

http://www.catholictradition.org/Mary/salette.htm

http://www.lasalette.org/

I am devoted to Our Lady under this title “Our Lady of La Salette, Reconciler of Sinners.”  It is fitting that today, the feast of the Immaculate Conception we have internet access back.  Thank You, Blessed Virgin Mary!

To add to my previous post “Growing Up Me, Chapter 1” I would like to point out how utterly shocking it has been to come to grips with the truth.  There is really no clear way that I can come up with to express what it is like to think your life is one way, and then to realize there is a whole lot more than you know!  I mean, I really thought I knew what was going on.  I really believed I was with certain friends all the time.  I really believed I was home playing solitaire on my computer if I was not with those friends.  I believed my aunt and uncle were good people who really helped our family!  I believed I was a virgin until a certain age.  I really believed I was a normal shy girl who never suffered abuse!   Anyway, there is so much to express and nobody to express it to safely.  I do not want the people who did this to me to know that I know. Before getting to some of the more interesting stuff, I must express the process that brought me here.

Clues within married life.

During our first year of marriage, my husband and I talked about some memories I had which were incomplete.  I asked my mom if it was at all possible that I could have been abused, and she said yes, that it was possible because a babysitter my parents used was rumored to have abused boys in the neighborhood.  When my mom heard that she stopped using that babysitter.  That was a bit of validation, but without the missing puzzle pieces I couldn’t very well fix/heal/move on.

My husband and I have also had trouble with our intimate life.  This was the initial motivator for figuring all this out.  Whenever we were intimate, my husband would pick up intense anger and hatred for the act and towards him.  Needless to say, that made things very hard on him.  To begin with, I had no clue so much of my own self was hiding from me.  So, naturally, I told him that he was crazy, acting nuts, I love him, I enjoy our intimacy and so on.  But, that did not change anything.  He tried to ignore what he felt in his gut – but it persisted.

Eventually, I was left with one option – to ask myself the question,

“What if he’s right?”  And “If he is right, HOW could that be?”

Answering those questions honestly has been the hardest thing so far that I have done.

Another step…

We tried talking about what I remembered for several years.  We didn’t get very far.  In fact, I often times resorted back to telling my husband how crazy he is for thinking that I can’t stand to be intimate with him.  Oh, I also talked to several different counselors since I was about 20.  Each one of them directed me away from the ultimate truth.

Things came to a head as my dad recovered from back surgery.  The images in my mind were intrusive, disgusting, and becoming harder to fight.  I understand now what caused some of that was the internal conflict between myself and my alters.  I wanted to be very helpful – my dad was nearly paralyzed and it is a miracle he wasn’t.  He needed help, and I really wanted to be there for him, but the pieces inside would not allow it.  My alters couldn’t trust anyone, and certainly couldn’t do consistent acts of charity.  I didn’t understand any of it and that caused much strife.

My dad noticed something was bothering me, and so one Sunday at church he lead me to a statue of St. Padre Pio.  “Padre Pio is wonderful and always helps me,” he said.  I lit a candle and in my mind prayed for HELP!”

That very night I had the first flashback.

The memory was short and limited.  All I saw were a boy’s arms over me – he was pinning me down.  As this flashback occurred, I was back in the moment – actually, everything I could see would switch between reality and the memory.  My husband in reality was trying to hold me still while I was reacting by physically wrestling him and murmuring as if I was back in the moment.  He did not know what was going on until I explained what I saw. There was very little information from this flashback, but it was so real.  Since it happened the evening after praying intently for St. Padre Pio’s help, I felt there was something to hang on to.  At the very least there was a thread I could pull!

After that flashback there was no question anymore whether or not things happened which I did not remember.  Instead the question became who did it, what happened, where, how and why was I abused?  After a lot of mental work trying to remember I figured a couple things out.  For one thing, the babysitter rumored to abuse boys in the neighborhood did not abuse me, however I believe he may have abused my younger brother.  The elderly woman who babysat for my brothers and I – she was a mean and bitter old woman – well, my mom was told that she was alone.  I found out later from my aunt that the old lady was in fact not alone and her husband was living at the time we were watched by her.  As a child, when you are told things are a certain way – well, I believed it.  I would ask my mom about there being someone else there at the house and she replied that only the old lady was there.  Eventually I told my mom that I was afraid of the monster upstairs in that house, but she really didn’t know what I was referring to.  My mom was told the old man was at work during the day.

There were other children who were babysat at that old house.  I could never keep up with them.  It felt like they were running away from me.  One day, they ran up the stairs and into the bedroom.  I ran up to be with the group.  Suddenly, everybody stopped what they were doing, turned, and ran.  The door was shut before I could follow them.  I didn’t know there was any danger.  They did.  They knew the danger and they left.  The old man appeared behind me.  He sat down in his blue chair which was between a window and his nightstand.  He talked to me about …

That was all I remembered for the longest time until I “woke up” half-way down the stairs.

My brothers and I all hated that place.  Brothers number 1 and 2 ran off with the other kids as soon as we got out of the car.  Sometimes my younger brother (#3) was able to stick with the group, but for whatever reason I could not.  I was left behind.

Eventually I remembered some of the abuse which happened by that old man.  I remembered it, but didn’t accept it.

The further and further I crept into this rabbit hole, the deeper and deeper I went without any real understanding.  I had a flashback of implied rape but it was a limited memory, I had remembered what the old man did, my husband could not ignore his gut and needed to know what was going on.  The more I remembered, the more I realized how much I needed to remember!  My questions were only partially answered and no matter how hard I tried mentally, I could not force my brain to open up.

I became more and more determined to search out and find the truth.  One tool that I could use as often as I wanted was and is prayer.  I can not stress enough how important it is to lean on God.  He has NOT abandoned anyone, He allows human free will to continue.  In my case, circumstances lead me into the lions den.   I had consecrated myself to Mary according to “True Devotion to Mary” by St. Louis de Montfort and left everything up to the mother of Jesus Christ.  I also prayed often the novena to the Holy Ghost that I may know the truth and only accept the truth.  The last thing I ever wanted was to believe any more lies, or falsely accuse anyone of abuse.

If you ask God for the Truth, He will help you!