Tag Archives: identity

Still Quiet


About nine years ago already was my first flashback.  It only consisted of two hands and arms of a boy wrestling with me to hold me down.  This flashback was triggered by my husband being affectionate with me.   I could not see anything other than two hands and forearms.  My eyes were open, but I could not see my husband.  I couldn’t see anything other than these two half arms pinning me down – or trying to.  I was moaning while my husband held me but I was reliving childhood, fighting a boy.  It took my husband a few times of asking “What’s going on?” while he was holding me before I could get a good grip on reality.

Our third child was only a baby at the time and we were living with my parents.  Needless to say life was stressful.  My initial reaction was to finally think I was actually abused at some point during childhood – but probably only one time and that’s why I had forgotten it.  Four years later I had my next flash back involving a satanic ritual where some man was wearing an animal head with horns.  Between my first and second flashback I absolutely POUNDED my brain for memories!  And, yeah, I did get quite a few memories, but what I recalled back then did not paint the picture which is before me presently.  The memories I retrieved were choppy and didn’t make sense.  They didn’t fit together.  In fact the truth was still being furiously protected.  I was more willing to believe a new lie, just to protect myself from the truth.

One good thing about the various ideas I had about my past was that even though I may not have been completely accurate to begin with – the exploration helped me to become capable of handling the truth.  Much of what I retrieved initially was actually correct, but some of it was not.  Now that I can see more of the whole picture – I am ok with having been wrong at times.

It is knowing that I am not perfect and can interpret things incorrectly at times that helped me to keep all of this crap to myself for so darn long!  From the very beginning my goal was to keep the commandments.  One in particular I have done my best to keep is to not bare false witness.  Knowing there was no substantial proof to bring forward allowing me to say, “See… See it now!  My uncle did this!!” all I could do was keep it inside.  I never went up to anybody accusing them of abuse.  But, you know what, I never had to.  Asking questions to try and figure out if any of this was worth pursuing was enough to break the family apart.

That was all I needed to move forward, at least within myself.  As long as I have no proof or witnesses to support my lonely word I can not go to my family.  This is just me, other people and families are in different positions.  My family is not in danger by my keeping this to myself.  But, the danger of divulging what I discovered is much much more severe.  Maybe that is just the programming though.  Either way most people in my family wouldn’t believe any of this and if anybody did it would cause so much strife.  I have told who I needed to tell what I needed to tell.

It is hard to keep this to myself – to be so anonymous.  So many times the intense compulsion to open up to my brothers or anybody else in my family nearly won out over sense.

So many times the burden of this trial made me cry out to just reprogram me – let me forget what I remember!!  But, I have hope and faith that one day I will be able to open up to my family.  At that point the burden, the cross may seem to be put down for a moment and transformed into a new burden.

The point is, patience has served very useful so far.  If I had told people years ago they would have only heard my immediate interpretation of these memories which really was a very narrow scope.  I understand now that there is SOOOO much more going on.  The most important understanding of the past didn’t come until after I was accepting of the few shocking memories that came back.  Looking back at the journey so far I would have stopped a long time ago had my husband not supported me in healing.  If one or two people even mentioned disbelief before I was strong enough psychologically to defend what I know now is true it would have made me crumble and give up.

So keep praying, put one foot in front of the other every day – and before you know it there is a lot of healing behind you.


More of Me


Here I am, attempting to write what I can…

Memories, pictures, people,

It is all a story in my head

like pages ripped out of a book,

and hidden somewhere…



The adults in my life consistently expressed disbelief in the possibility that I could have remembered something from when I was two, or younger.  Even I have a hard time believing that I could have a memory from so young, but I do.

I found the missing pages.

It is like finding the pieces of a treasure map when you thought you had the whole map, only to discover these missing pieces are absolutely vital to succeeding in finding the buried treasure.

I have discovered a lot over the last few months.  I have recovered memories and other personalities.  You know what?  With the recent additions, I feel MORE myself than I remember feeling in an extremely long time.  With every found piece, I find peace.

“I remember feeling that way!”

I can remember feeling!

As the group becomes more whole within, I honestly know more and more how every last personality or alter – is really me.

Each one of them is a part of me that developed under certain conditions out of necessity.  They are me, and I am in them.    I used to be afraid that each part of me was going to be some evil thing that could never change.  We all just need a little help, that’s all.  I still wouldn’t mind talking to a priest, though!

Something worth looking into more is attachment theory.

Another subject is childhood emotional neglect.

Emotional neglect may not sound like a big deal to some people, but it is helping me understand what I was going through emotionally as a preschooler/toddler.  Emotional neglect greatly shaped who I am.


I have to share the memories, but will do that later.

goodnight 🙂


A few things I have learned


Any idea of who I thought I was completely shattered upon the acceptance of a single memory.  For years, my husband and I wondered if I was sexually abused as a child.  We talked about what I always remembered and discussed certain bedroom behaviors of mine.  As far as I knew I lived a completely uneventful and normal life.  I believe what solidified this division of my personality was the extreme contrast between lives that I was made to live.  One, being the good girl in a catholic family – a good, non abusive family and the other as the slave to the horribly evil torturous people I was exposed to.  Sometimes I am still in awe of this extreme contrast I was made to live through.  It is hard to bring these existences together.

One thing I have learned is the idea of nature vs. nurture is very well expressed through these experiences.  There is the idea of nature – being the personality characteristics and qualities we are born with, and nurture being how our experiences in life and those who shape us (parents, family, friends) affect the person we become.  I have learned that one person, if plucked up from their life and placed into another situation completely will be affected in a way they may have never expected.  What I really mean to explain is that say you have a person born into a nice life with a good family, not void of pain, but still a decent life; then what if that same person was never born into that good family but was born into an abusive one – well, the two extremes are going to produce different results.

This can transfer to humility and gratefulness.  In a way I am thankful God preserved me as in amber and allowed me to split rather than have to deal with trying to understand these extremes as a young girl.  So, while I could be angry with God that He allowed me to go through what I did, I am still thankful that part of me was preserved.  The humility comes in when I recover a new memory.  Usually the memories where I am older cause me feel that moral conflict inside.  I am talking about the things that I would never in a million years do, but did anyway because it was not me who did those actions.  The humility learned here is that I am not bigger than any sin.  If I was plucked up and placed into another situation growing up, those experiences would nurture certain weaknesses or strengths which would in turn directly affect the decisions I would make in life.  Josie never learned what I learned about the catholic faith or Christianity at all.  Nicky made any and all of her decisions based on the programming that was done and her strengths in holding memories and all the pain (emotional and physical).  Emily is the little girl who started out with the most of my hopes and faith that someone would some and save her, but nobody did, and faith and hope suffered.

What these parts of me were taught as well as what they learned through the abuse is going to affect their opinions.  Because each of my alters are separate, they do seem to have different personalities.  They are each unique because of how they were nurtured.  I, as the core or host, may not have been affected directly by their experiences, however, I was affected by their existence within this psychological system.  In small ways their experiences, their opinions or personal paradigms bled over into my own thought process.

The second thing I have learned is about sin; its rippling effect as well as forgiveness.  This has a similarity to the nature vs. nurture or rather cause and effect.  I am not very good at providing adequate examples, but hopefully you can understand what I have learned.  It has been said that sin darkens the intellect and weakens the soul.  One thing this means is that sin takes away some of the clarity we may have had.  We grow further from God.  It becomes easier to sin more, and harder to persist in resisting sin.  This is seen on a personal and spiritual level, but also on a superficial level we can see how this happens.  A pretty blunt example would be child abuse.  You have a pedophile and torturer who is only considering satisfying his own urges.  This is a person who has given himself over to sin completely and any consideration regarding ever fighting  those vices is way too weak to make a difference on its own.  Then you have the child this person is hurting.  The sin only belongs to the pedophile, but yet the child has to bear the burden of that horror.  The child is affected for the rest of his or her life.  This makes me think of Christ carrying His cross.  He didn’t deserve the torture He went through, but he carried the burden anyway.

You can also think of having a moment of selfishness on the road.  Say you are in a rush, trying to get somewhere and wrapped up in your own life.  So, what if this mood you are in causes you to cut somebody off or just make someone else angry who is trying to get to their own destination.  Maybe, because you were a little bit rude on the road, this person is upset and their demeanor then affects their own life and causes them to be rude to the people they love.

That is the rippling effect of sin.  Yes, in the end we are all responsible for our own actions.  The rude driver is not necessarily to blame for someone else treating someone they care about badly, but whether the driver realizes it or not, they were somehow involved in the life of a complete stranger.

Then you have forgiveness.  What if the stranger who was put in a bad mood by a rude driver decided to forgive that driver?  I learned that forgiveness means not letting the sin of another person affect you anymore.  If you forgive that rude driver, then you won’t upset people you care about because of your bad mood.  In essence you stop the cycle of sin and put an end to the ripples.  That is the power of forgiveness.

Let’s apply this idea of forgiveness to childhood trauma.  Healing is a process of forgiveness.  Here, forgiveness does not mean pretending the horrors of abuse never happened.  Neither does it mean that to forgive you have to be comfortable around people who abused you.  You do not have to be friends with the abuser who sinned against you.  It just wouldn’t be safe.  In the interest of safety I refuse to have anything to do with my aunt and uncle who caused my dissociation.  But, even though I can not practice forgiveness by showing direct kindness and charity to them, I will practice forgiveness as well as I can through healing and trying to put an end to the many effects their sins have had on me.

Here is a quote I like:

“God could in no wise permit the kind of evil out of which He could not bring good” – St. Augustine (354-430)

I know God is more powerful that the devil.  I do not understand why God allows these horrible sins to persist, however, I do know that He is more forgiving than any of us – as long as we acknowledge we need His forgiveness.  What I have also learned is that God is relying on us to allow Him to work in the world.  As long as we co-operate with His inspirations, as well as forgiving others by healing ourselves, we are allowing God to work through us.

Our healing can be more powerful than we ever imagined!

A Memory for Monday


Please use caution when reading my post if you are dealing with ptsd or did since reading any posts about my memories may be triggering. Today I mention angels, demon, switching personalities, catholicism


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Princess Power!


Over the past week I took one daughter at a time to the store to pick up a doll.  Daughter G, who is 7 years old now, picked out the Princess Power Barbie doll with the blue hair.  Blue is her favorite color.  G is a sweetie, she reminds me of myself as a kid.  She is quiet and thoughtful.  She doesn’t have the same problem with socializing with others like I had growing up.  That is beautiful because I know she has never been abused.  She is growing and maturing just the way God created her.  Sometimes I wonder how I would have turned out had our family never moved so close to my uncle, but that is pointless to think about.

Anyway, at the store we looked at several Barbie dolls.  You know what, I felt giddy inside.  I’m sure that was Emily (my little girl alter).  It was nice to know she was present.  She has been hiding a lot.  Well, part of the problem is that even though she is quiet I have a hard time in general identifying who’s who in my mind.  I hear their comments often enough, but I heard them my whole life and always took ownership of the thoughts myself.  So, now I have to reassess where they are coming from and who is who.

Emily is a sweet little girl, but she seems to be very intellectual also – like she is the younger self but also has a more mature intellectual self and I am not sure if that is a separate person, or if it is still her.  Maybe one is her protector since she is extremely shy and wants to live in her familiar shell.

I believe the most recent recollection of feeling compassion and wanting to change my own situation and other kids’ situations but failing and then making things worse for everybody opened up the vault for taking the risk to love others again.  Empathy and sympathy may be the key for connecting with Emily.

Pic of the doll:


If “A” is true, then isn’t “B” true?


Here is more of the story.  I don’t feel safe talking about this to anybody I know, other than my husband, and that is why I am anonymously online disclosing whatever it is that I can figure out.  There is a need to “report” – a mechanism that I destroyed within me although the need to heal through talking is still active and necessary I think for any human being.  The difference which frees me today is that I am not compelled to talk to my aunt and uncle about strange occurrences which I see now directly relate to the actions and life of my alters.  I have the ability to talk to anybody I want to, although prudence leads me to stay silent (except for my blog). Okay, actually, I still am missing a lot of pieces…

One of my happiest memories as a child was my dad telling me that I could be anything I wanted to be.  He gave me hope and showed me the doors to becoming whoever I wanted to be.  My dad and mom were married as teenagers.  They had to take whatever job they could get in order to pay the rent for the house my uncle bought for them.  We lived in a nice middle class neighborhood in a decent school district.  Beyond our neighborhood was a large farm.  The kids would cross over the creek, building make-shift bridges would start a marvelous adventure.  Then they would trek across the large corn-field, but when they saw the farmhouse they had to be careful because the farmer there would fire his rifle at the kids (as far as I know, nobody was ever injured during their adventures).  Just beyond the farmhouse, at the other end of the corn-field was the *oh-so-awesome* *SECRET* military base with nuclear missals pointed at the USSR during the cold-war.  Of course, this wasn’t much of a secret since all of the kids in the area knew where it was.  The kids would come back talking about how they saw vehicles coming and going, it was surrounded by a barbed wire fence, it was guarded by men with M16’s.  Of course my brothers NEVER let me go with them!  Finally, when I was in junior high a friend of mine and I walked out there – and my curiosity was satisfied.

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Methodical Destruction


Hypnosis at home, do I really get hypnotized?  I am not sure if I can be truly hypnotized because of how my programming was set up. I was set up to go into a trance when ever the trigger was used.  I know in general of one trigger, although I am unable to remember the full trigger as it was used.  I know there were multiple triggers so that my alters could be brought out with or without access to a cb radio or cd/tape player.  I believe the mind control was used to direct me towards obedience and actions relating mostly to sex, satanic rituals, or torture/pain.  This ability they created (so to speak) caused me to be very focused in one direction based on the method they used to suppress me and bring out the alter of choice.  An alter personality either focused on satanic rituals, or focused on sex – two very different yet very entwined mind states since they both can rely on the other.  I still do not have my entire memory back relating to how the programming was done, however I know it was more than being strapped onto a table and being over stimulated with strobe lights combined with various sounds and smells and feelings.  A big part of the programming relied on the satanists to reinforce what the government wanted from me.  I am not sure if the gov’t had a specific purpose for training my split(s) a certain direction or if they were simply experimenting on certain groups of kids with various familial backgrounds and personalities.  I do know though that a group of adults was needed for some of the programming in order to reinforce and continue the destruction of my identity.

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