I am back with a vengeance after spending the last two seasons pursuing programming, personalities, and memories. Read the rest of this entry
After my last memory post, my husband (who does all the research on my situation) discovered one of the techniques used in mind control or severe manipulation as it relates to the victim’s personal view of God. To be honest, none of the phrases I can come up with can really give an adequate description of how intense and psychologically torturous mind control really is. To call it “mind-control” or manipulation, or brainwashing – does not do it justice. The best thing to call it is Psychological Torture. Back to the point, one of the focuses is to give the victim a view of God as being someone who can help you, but just chooses not to. This God, who is supposed to love and save you, threw you into the hands of people who abuse you and refuses to protect you. They turn God into a person who is one of the abusers. They force you into a position of having to do something wrong and make you believe that God will not forgive you, twisting bible verses to reinforce their heretical teaching. Another tool they use is getting somebody from their group and telling you that this person is Jesus. I believe that is what lead me to stop the ritual I mentioned in the previous memory post. Part of me was stopping Jesus from being killed.
I know that how the programmers and abusers worked on twisting my view of God was very painful, because as a child I remember before falling asleep at night I would pray and think about how my guardian angel was always there to protect me. I kept praying to God to please send my parents to pick me up, let me go home. I believed that my angel would help me, and I never gave up believing that fact. My others though, they had a rougher time. Through all the pain and internal conflict, I know God preserved me. It is because of Him that I am alive today. It is because of God that I am married to my husband – who just happens to be the absolute most perfect person for me to be married to. I have SO much to be thankful for!
There is so much more that I want to explain, but can’t make the connections and bring forward the information that applies to this subject. I know the information is there – but access is limited. What I do know and what I can share is this: God’s mercy is infinite. The only thing that prevents God from forgiving anybody is the person’s unwillingness to say they are sorry and ask forgiveness! I also learned that I am not above any sin – given the right circumstances and conditions, I can fall for any temptation. That is a key to humility and is so necessary as a follower of Christ. And you know, the more you lean on God to help you through the tough times, the closer you become to God.
My husband and I work together on healing with the use of imagery in the format of hypnosis. I am unable to become unconscious and remain completely aware during these sessions together – but it still works out well. My husband guides me downward to a deeper part of my brain the same way a person would during hypnosis. He guides me to my castle. (there happens to be a kind of mind control programming called castle programming) I incorporated God into my castle because that made me feel safe. In the beginning there was a simple white cross that my alters and I put our suffering on and offered up to God. Then, after fighting off demons with the help of my guardian angel, I turned one of my reclaimed rooms into a chapel. My relationship with Jesus was not formed so well, and so I went to Jesus’ mother – the Blessed Virgin Mary and asked for her help. Eventually I brought a life-sized crucifix into the downstairs living room. This way, upon entering my castle, I would kneel before the image of Christ and ask for His assistance during this therapy session with my husband. Eventually, one of my alters converted. I prayed for my full conversion, and Josie did, Emily is reluctant but has accepted Christ, and Nicky is one I am still working on. When Josie accepted Jesus, I brought her downstairs where she knelt down before the crucifix and began crying at the feet of Jesus. As she did this, the statue of Christ on the cross became real! We had reached the place where God resides within us. Since then, Jesus has been closer to me than ever before.
At this point, I have another chapel within my castle where my alters and I can go in prayer or during therapy to pray and talk to God. Recently, Emily was having trouble understanding why God didn’t save her. Jesus came to her, with his crown of thorns, and his skin torn from the scourging at the pillar, and he knelt down by little Emily, held her, and with more love than I could imagine He expressed how all His cuts are for her. The thorns in His head, are for her. Before I was ever born, He knew what would likely happen. This upset him so much that he bled during His agony in the garden. It is hard to grasp what this really means, but now Emily knows Jesus is really a loving merciful God. The thing is, this is true for all of us – not just me, not just you – but every person on Earth!
Internal conflicts… that which hits the at the heart of who my alters are and why they exist; the very reason from what I can tell so far, that one alter split into two and so on. My husband is an empath and picks up on the deepest parts of my emotions. He has picked up on things which for years I would not accept, and now find are true.
Here is what I know of my Others so far:
It started with Emily. She is my little girl. She’s about 10, but has the maturity of a 5 or 6 year old. She faced the initial horrors which brought her into being. Somehow Nicea came into the mix. She had a different name to begin with, but (ok, I know this sounds weird but go with it) Jesus brought her up into my awareness out of the pits of my deepest interior hell during one of my hypnosis sessions with my husband. Jesus renamed her. I typically refer to her as Nicky. Nicky holds all of the pain and suffering physically and emotionally that the other girls can not live with. If Jesus did not show her to me I would have thought she was a demon plaguing me, honestly. At some point during puberty (I hate the word, ug) Josie was split off. I believe the reason she was split is due to my body growing and being able to feel enjoyment during sex. She somehow developed out of Emily’s rejection of and hatred for all sexual enjoyment and anyone involved with the act. Emily held on to that which made sense to her, while Josie developed in the backround at first. Josie embodies Emily’s inability to connect with other people and enjoy the world around her. Josie can act well socially around others and really enjoys sex.
Before Nicky was brought out from the darkness, Emily had a very intellectual and objective personality. She was very curious and had many questions. She still has the questions, but since Nicky completes her in a way, the intense emotions of a child who has been traumatized have been restored to Emily’s nature. Nicky is also the protector of Emily.
In addition to those three major players there are the personality traits. I like to call them aspects of our personality. These aspects may be major parts of who I am that have been suppressed as a side effect from the abuse and programming. The aspects include joy, playfulness, setting goals, and even my sense of justice. There are many different aspects to our personality. It is possible the programming directly caused the suppression of many of these aspects – like leadership and goals and justice which would be in direct conflict with the programming.
The major conflict at this point has to do with my marital physical relationship. My husband has long picked up on Nicky’s hatred for, Emily’s pain from, and Josie’s longing for our physical relationship. I, personally, am indifferent. The conflicting emotions from my others leave me wishing the human race didn’t have to reproduce in the manner we do. I don’t feel that way out of dislike or hatred for the act, but rather out of utter frustration with the act. I do not orgasm – that’s Josie’s arena. I don’t loathe the physical nature of humanity – that’s Emily’s arena. I am caught in the middle. All I am left with is indifference. I could take it or leave it. I don’t mind it, but I don’t see what all the fuss is about. People act like sex is the be all end all of human existence and I just don’t get it. (To clarify, technically sex is the reason for human existence but what I mean to point out is how much sex has thoroughly taken over our culture) Look at all the psychological and physical trauma sex causes! It even causes trouble when it is used morally within marriage. I know it can be a holy and very good act, but there is nowhere to be found a clue as to how to turn sex from something abusive, raunchy, or selfish into something loving, beautiful, giving, and even holy. But what do I know. If I was to look for an answer to that question my others would keep fighting about it and nobody involved would be helped even if the answer was staring me in the face.
Then there is my wonderful empathic husband. Because of his empathy and analytical skills my alters and I have come as far as we have. But, when it comes to marriage, there has been trouble. Like I mentioned, he picks up on what I am feeling even stronger than I do. So, while I am feeling fine about touching each other, he picks up on the emotions stirring under the surface which makes the experience very trying on him mentally as well. It has gotten to the point where Emily and Josie are fighting over control of my body regardless of my awareness. I, myself, will be ready to be with my husband mentally, but physically my body won’t allow it. Other times I am mentally not in the mood but Josie will keep pushing me and my body refuses to relax until I get some. My husband at this point is exceptionally frustrated with the whole thing as am I.
One good thing coming out of this so far is that I am learning how to become stronger in my core. I must step up and say, I am married and care for my husband! I love him and WANT to take care of him! Still, it’s not easy. In a way, I think my others are kind of relieved to know I am increasing in strength.
Healing and getting stronger is a very exhausting process!
I always liked “The Wizard of Oz” with Judy Garland.
And so it was as a with me as well. I remember my uncle commenting that I must have had some very strange dreams the night before. The truth was, I didn’t remember a thing. I had no dreams, no nightmares, no idea whatsoever that anything had happened in the middle of the night. In fact, waking up in the morning, I thought it was morning – but the truth was I had no concept of time yet and did not realize I slept past lunch time. That meant I would remain hungry until my parents came to pick us up – even then, it would depend on whether or not we missed dinner as well. I just remember being so hungry. My brothers were able to eat though. Eventually I became protective of my food. Which then became something my brothers made fun of me for. They wouldn’t be able to understand why I felt that way about food. They didn’t go through a single bit of what I did. They were not chosen. How fortunate for them!
What I did remember was laying down in bed at my aunt and uncle’s house and going to sleep just about the same time my brothers did in some other part of the house. Then, my uncle’s CB radio would play the firehouse tones in dissonant combinations followed by someone on the other end of the radio calling out odd numbers and letters. That combination, although I have been able to do a search on the internet and have found numerous firehouse tones, I have not been able to find the same combination. Why would I want to anyway? Maybe just to see what would happen, but I kind of think I was searching for the feeling I had when I heard those tones as a child. To me, I heard safety and complete relaxation in those tones. Now, I understand that is all a part of the programming – for me – the core – to feel relaxed and safe while the tones and strange combinations of numbers and letters lulled me to sleep and allowed the call sign for my alter to wake and take over.
Something else that made me feel safe in that bed was a koala bear my uncle had. This was a hard stuffed animal with leather claws. My aunt told me that one night (it sounds like) I attacked my uncle with that koala bear and used those claws to scratch him like crazy. That was the last night I had anything in bed with me for comfort, or protection! I don’t even remember doing that, but I do remember my aunt (which happens to be my mom’s twin sister) telling me that it happened.
Eventually, those tones wound up recorded and playable by my friends who just so happened to have connections to this group of evil people. I had one good friend who knew the truth and it scared her. I scared her. It destroyed her. She wound up taking a path of drugs and having sex for drugs. Things were difficult for her for a while and I blame myself – and the devil too. I remember she and i had a best friend who i believe now became my handler. I will refer to him as #1 for now. He tried to get me to recall the tones on my own and bring out my alter. I am not sure if it worked or not. On another occasion my best girl friend and I were shopping when a cop walked up next to us and on his walkee those tones began to play. My good friend pulled me away when she heard those tones play. I had begun to feel happy, relaxed, and safe at the start of those tones.
On another occasion, I was babysitting my uncle’s kids. I fell asleep before he came back home. He had trouble waking me up. When I did get up, he appologized for not turning off the cb radio. ???????
You see, I need to review these events in my mind over and over again because the residual programming always wants to rewrite what I believe. So, it is vital that I grab hold of the things I do have that I can not argue with in order to show myself and my others inside, “see, it is true and we do need to move forward in healing.”
I am not sure I could ever trust a psychologist with any of this information. I do see somebody for anxiety and attention deficit disorder which helps manage many of the symptoms of my D.I.D. I thank God I do have my husband. My husband has certain gifts which make him extremely empathetic – a very useful gift since I am usually unaware of many emotions. He will pick up on what I am feeling somewhere inside and it helps all of us.
For the last week or so things have been so intense emotionally! We have six daughters, so there is no shortage of emotions in this house! Plus, we have one on the way – so I am an absolute hormonal wreck! For the most part the problem is due to pregnancy just intensifying how I feel to an extreme. So, I decided to go back on Zoloft, which I had all but stopped taking for about 6 months. However, the pharmacy decided not to fill my prescription! On the way to my doctor appointment this morning I was going over various thoughts on how to convince the pharmacy or insurance company to fill the stupid meds so I can stop feeling suicidal or at least wishing I was never born. My doc wrote a new prescription and told me other patients have had similar problems at this pharmacy and he suggested a different place to try.
The last few weeks I have been overwhelmed by the feeling that I just have no impact on the kids. It doesn’t matter what tactic I use or how I try to pull myself together mentally and remain “calm and assertive” – It just doesn’t seem to phase the kids. I have been sinking lower and lower every day feeling as though there is no point in trying anymore to form these kids into well behaved children. They just seem way too strong for my broken mind. And here I am, overcome by our two and three year old girls. I become weaker and weaker the more I see how weak I am.
I seem to have no affect on the kids!
Then, usually against my thought train, my husband helps me to see this is more than just parenting strong-willed kids. I am still remembering what happened 20-30 years ago. It seems that for me – I relive the emotional effects of the experiences which I have not yet remembered before getting the actual memory. What I wind up doing is justifying how I feel by using my daily experiences to explain why I am feeling so pointless or angry or whatever. It can be difficult, because it really is difficult to be experiencing such extreme feelings due to memories bubbling up, or just trying to understand that there really are several different parts of me speaking out, trying to understand and hear what my other’s are saying while trying to raise a family. There are so many reasons for me to feel like the worst mom in the world – oh the humility of it all.
Regardless of how bad it can get, I still keep holding on…
Usually after asking myself “why” and, “how can God sit back when I am suffering so much” I seem to squeak out a mental prayer. Hope seems to help calm me down, I think really that is God’s grace giving me strength to keep holding on a little bit longer.
I just keep holding on.
About a year ago or so my husband and I were able to successfully use hypnosis to work on recovering memories and cleaning the mental cobwebs. However, lately I have not been able to relax and focus enough so we kinda let hypnosis slide for a while. After another seemingly failed attempt at hypnosis last night with my husband I woke up this morning and understood what had been going on and why I felt so strongly that I could not make any impact on myself or anyone around me. It is something I have read about other people experiencing, however, even after everything I have remembered already, this had not been a part of the equation until now. It goes back to the programming/brainwashing the evil people do (I just call the abusers evil people). They made me watch someone else or some animal get abused and tortured while I was restrained and unable to do anything about what was going on right in front of me. Then if I had tried to make a move and save or even lessen what was going on that only caused more punishment on top of the abuse or torture.
This has had a major impact on who I am. I do not believe that I can make a difference in the world, on myself or anything around me unless it is necessary or ordered. Even then I need another adult to hold my hand through whatever it is that needs to be done.
So, this morning came this understanding: I am not meant to sit back and do nothing in life. I am meant to make a difference. It is the Devil’s influence and those evil people who did this to me by their own free will. They need to STOP the good people in the world from making a positive difference! I understood more presently that my life is much more than I think it is. I understood how my intense emotions did not have so much to do with disobedient toddlers as it does have to do with my past.
Until now, I felt like I had kind of hit a brick wall. Unable to make progress or recover I have been left to sink into my pits of internal hell. I knew that even though I knew enough to accept or come as far as we have on our yellow brick road, I didn’t know enough to really break out of this person I have become as a result of the programming and evil in my life. It seems easier for my others/alters to grow, learn, and change, than it is for me. Being unable to progress had begun to eat away at any hope I had for becoming the person I have seen myself to be in the future.
My fear of success is really a fear of making a change or having a strong positive impact on someone or something. This means if I move forward from this point I can really make a major difference. I am excited, but scared. There is a lot of work to do. This has been an area where I have been extremely resistant – maybe just not ready for approaching until now.
Finally, some prayers have been answered. I had to be ready, to reach a certain point or thought process in order to trigger this. Although I am still very drained emotionally, and still have very depleated levels of hope and faith (charity too – maybe this whole thing is why I could never grow in charity?) there is enough of a spark because this connection was made to be able to become stronger again.
I thank Jesus for sharing His mother with me and being my brother. Depression can really make it hard to retain hope. It can be so painful to ask again for God’s help after sinking so low again and again and again. Somehow things do get better. Now, I need to remember this for tomorrow!!
Hypnosis at home, do I really get hypnotized? I am not sure if I can be truly hypnotized because of how my programming was set up. I was set up to go into a trance when ever the trigger was used. I know in general of one trigger, although I am unable to remember the full trigger as it was used. I know there were multiple triggers so that my alters could be brought out with or without access to a cb radio or cd/tape player. I believe the mind control was used to direct me towards obedience and actions relating mostly to sex, satanic rituals, or torture/pain. This ability they created (so to speak) caused me to be very focused in one direction based on the method they used to suppress me and bring out the alter of choice. An alter personality either focused on satanic rituals, or focused on sex – two very different yet very entwined mind states since they both can rely on the other. I still do not have my entire memory back relating to how the programming was done, however I know it was more than being strapped onto a table and being over stimulated with strobe lights combined with various sounds and smells and feelings. A big part of the programming relied on the satanists to reinforce what the government wanted from me. I am not sure if the gov’t had a specific purpose for training my split(s) a certain direction or if they were simply experimenting on certain groups of kids with various familial backgrounds and personalities. I do know though that a group of adults was needed for some of the programming in order to reinforce and continue the destruction of my identity.
So, finally, like Alice before falling into wonderland, I saw the rabbit hole and dove in. Falling down a rabbit hole is not always quick. You move as fast or as slow as your mind allows. My husband researched hypnosis and we gave it a shot. I have a Ton of trust in my husband! Anyway, it really didn’t work at first. It took a while to make that leap of faith and allow my mind to fall into my husbands hands. I was down-right resistant to hypnosis. We tried to make it work for weeks, but gave up. Then somehow I gathered up the courage to let it all go and give it another shot.
At first my interior home was a disheveled shack. I went inside and looked for memories. The first memories to surface were most likely necessary in order for subsequent memories to build upon. My husband was very careful not to say anything that could give a hypnotic suggestion or color the manner the memories came up. Each memory provided a certain piece to my inner memory matrix. Each piece I grab helps bring another piece into reach.
For a long time (and still at times) I had intrusive images that were very disturbing flash into my head. While I became pretty good at suppressing them, it really wore me out if any image was particularly stubborn. Other times there was a memory carousel of sorts – flashes of various images showing up. My husband helped me to feel comfortable addressing these things instead of merely shoving them off. He helped me to stop the memory carousel from turning, go back to any image I wanted, grab it, take it down and really look at it.
The heart within knows the truth.
Some images were metaphorical in nature, and not to be taken literally while others were exact memories that I could take down and place back within the memory matrix. For single intrusive images I learned to practice courage while being afraid of what my mind was trying to tell me. It’s not easy.
This was invaluable in being able to move forward in healing from the hidden past.
As time wore on and I became more comfortable using hypnosis we discovered there was actually a castle – an interior castle. This castle was fortified with a weak little fence, and a whole bunch of landmines! The mines were representative of the various triggers that were set in place through psychological/mental programming. These mines all were set to go off if I had ever discovered a memory or even thought of the possibility that I lived a double life. There were hundreds of mines set up to go off when triggered. When triggered, the mine would blow, leaving me in the real world spinning into an out of control mess. Other times, just being chaotic and hopeless wasn’t enough – I was suicidal.
My mind had been set up to resort to anything in order to keep my core from knowing the truth.
So, during hypnosis I had to find all the mines and dis-arm each and every one. This took weeks to finish because there were so many! Usually each mine was set to trigger another mine as well, so I had to really explore the castle grounds for hidden wires. Each mine was also wired to the castle. I had to disconnect the mines to the castle as well. Sometimes, a landmine was stubborn and popped back up. When this happened I had to carefully disarm the mine in my brain and look deeper. Usually there was something keeping it from going away for good. Eventually I gave myself a hose with holy water to stop the mines from doing any evil – hey, when you are working in your head all you need is to believe!
My husband and I worked through hypnosis about 5 nights a week methodically. He is an analyst and has a passion for learning. He has no problem reading volumes of books or on the internet. Anyway, because of the love and trust that is already there for my husband that meant I did not have to take months getting comfortable with some therapist I do not know. We could also work through therapy at our own pace. Plus, I can call him any time. Once I became comfortable letting him into my head hypnotically we were able to progress pretty quickly. There were times we had to take a month off or so because I needed time to process what was going on inside of my selves, but then we would pick back up again.
Once the landmines were all dealt with and disposed of it was time to enter the castle. Upon entering, I discovered demons in every room – which meant spiritual and psychological battle. You see, I believe that we do battle in this world on two levels. We do battle temporally, with what and who we see, how we think, what we say and do. We also do battle morally or spiritually. That is when we face temptation to do something flat out wrong, or even just less good for us personally. I also believe that when a person lives with or is battling (use whatever phrase suits you best) a mental illness, I believe the devil uses that to his best advantage in order to prevent us from leaning on God, or to distract us, but always there is a much bigger picture that the devil is focused on painting or achieving – including doing his best to keep us from going to heaven.
So out came the sacramentals in my mind. I equipped myself with a back-pack that had a hose for holy water and a bag of St Benedict medals. I used various prayers or exorcisms to rid my mind of as much attachment or personal calling there could be to the demons. This all probably sounds strange – even to catholics, but after cleaning out the castle I did feel more peace.
My God, make us to be of one mind in the Truth and of one heart in charity
-St. Pius X