Tag Archives: hopeless

Still Quiet

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About nine years ago already was my first flashback.  It only consisted of two hands and arms of a boy wrestling with me to hold me down.  This flashback was triggered by my husband being affectionate with me.   I could not see anything other than two hands and forearms.  My eyes were open, but I could not see my husband.  I couldn’t see anything other than these two half arms pinning me down – or trying to.  I was moaning while my husband held me but I was reliving childhood, fighting a boy.  It took my husband a few times of asking “What’s going on?” while he was holding me before I could get a good grip on reality.

Our third child was only a baby at the time and we were living with my parents.  Needless to say life was stressful.  My initial reaction was to finally think I was actually abused at some point during childhood – but probably only one time and that’s why I had forgotten it.  Four years later I had my next flash back involving a satanic ritual where some man was wearing an animal head with horns.  Between my first and second flashback I absolutely POUNDED my brain for memories!  And, yeah, I did get quite a few memories, but what I recalled back then did not paint the picture which is before me presently.  The memories I retrieved were choppy and didn’t make sense.  They didn’t fit together.  In fact the truth was still being furiously protected.  I was more willing to believe a new lie, just to protect myself from the truth.

One good thing about the various ideas I had about my past was that even though I may not have been completely accurate to begin with – the exploration helped me to become capable of handling the truth.  Much of what I retrieved initially was actually correct, but some of it was not.  Now that I can see more of the whole picture – I am ok with having been wrong at times.

It is knowing that I am not perfect and can interpret things incorrectly at times that helped me to keep all of this crap to myself for so darn long!  From the very beginning my goal was to keep the commandments.  One in particular I have done my best to keep is to not bare false witness.  Knowing there was no substantial proof to bring forward allowing me to say, “See… See it now!  My uncle did this!!” all I could do was keep it inside.  I never went up to anybody accusing them of abuse.  But, you know what, I never had to.  Asking questions to try and figure out if any of this was worth pursuing was enough to break the family apart.

That was all I needed to move forward, at least within myself.  As long as I have no proof or witnesses to support my lonely word I can not go to my family.  This is just me, other people and families are in different positions.  My family is not in danger by my keeping this to myself.  But, the danger of divulging what I discovered is much much more severe.  Maybe that is just the programming though.  Either way most people in my family wouldn’t believe any of this and if anybody did it would cause so much strife.  I have told who I needed to tell what I needed to tell.

It is hard to keep this to myself – to be so anonymous.  So many times the intense compulsion to open up to my brothers or anybody else in my family nearly won out over sense.

So many times the burden of this trial made me cry out to just reprogram me – let me forget what I remember!!  But, I have hope and faith that one day I will be able to open up to my family.  At that point the burden, the cross may seem to be put down for a moment and transformed into a new burden.

The point is, patience has served very useful so far.  If I had told people years ago they would have only heard my immediate interpretation of these memories which really was a very narrow scope.  I understand now that there is SOOOO much more going on.  The most important understanding of the past didn’t come until after I was accepting of the few shocking memories that came back.  Looking back at the journey so far I would have stopped a long time ago had my husband not supported me in healing.  If one or two people even mentioned disbelief before I was strong enough psychologically to defend what I know now is true it would have made me crumble and give up.

So keep praying, put one foot in front of the other every day – and before you know it there is a lot of healing behind you.

—Dory

no escape

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Tears from the innocents

fall on me as the victims

of satan’s motherhood

struggle no more, in chains of no relent

Accepting no escape,

stung by the glee of hateful followers

at the perversion of innocence.

She became a subservient slave

of their painful power.

Repeated escapes only brought torturous rapes,

For even the neighbor took her back

to the devil’s den of cruelty.

Fight by flight failed in the end

she lost hope for help

lost hope for heaven

but does not want hell

She can not stand it, but can not defend

Or protect the innocents love

On which she depends.

Living Water for Suffering

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Every day there are little trials or irritations.  Sometimes, or most of the time, I forget to lean on God to help me relieve some of the pressure.  Other times it is easier to remember that when you are on God’s side, you have access to a well of strength.  This well does not ever run dry, because it is supplied by God’s infinite power and His living water.

Like fresh cool water on a hot day, this living water supplied by God keeps me going when I feel like I am about to collapse under the cross I carry.  A drink of cold water on a hot summer day does not change the weather around you.  Cold water is not exactly the same as a cool breeze, it is not something that will transfer you from the middle of a dessert to a cool lush location.  Cool water will not fix the air conditioning in your car and cool you off from the outside.  Instead it aids the inside of your body allowing you to enjoy the world around you.  When no longer dehydrated, it is easier to walk the path in front of you without being focused on any discomfort or suffering.

Being without the living water supplied by God’s grace is similar in that the pressure we feel while carrying our daily cross – otherwise known as our daily or life long difficulties – is like being dehydrated on a hot day.  The harder we press on with our cross, the harder it is to do that without being focused on our personal suffering.  Our suffering becomes all we can think about.  Kind of like when you get SO thirsty that all you can do is think about getting a drink of water!  When we get to the point where we “can’t take it anymore” (something I experience often enough), that is time to go to God, kneel down, and ask for a spiritual drink of water.

God may or may not change your external circumstances.  He may decide the path you are on is too important to change.  Sometimes God shows us another path to take, and we just don’t take it.  God will not change our free will or the will of anyone around us.  But, He will give us water and help us carry our crosses.  We are not promised happiness in this life, but if we remain faithful and love God, He will bring us happiness in the next life.

***My husband likes to say God doesn’t take his stress away, He just gives him the capacity to handle an infinite amount!

Even Jesus, in his agony, asked the Father to change the circumstances and make things easier, but resolved to accept His Father's will.  The angel brought him a chalice of strength.

Even Jesus, in his agony, asked the Father to change the circumstances and make things easier, but resolved to accept His Father’s will. The angel brought him a chalice of strength.

“O holy Angel who didst strengthen Jesus Christ our Lord, come and strengthen us also; come and tarry not!”

Connecting the Dots, emotional memory past and present

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For the last week or so things have been so intense emotionally!  We have six daughters, so there is no shortage of emotions in this house!  Plus, we have one on the way – so I am an absolute hormonal wreck!  For the most part the problem is due to pregnancy just intensifying how I feel to an extreme.  So, I decided to go back on Zoloft, which I had all but stopped taking for about 6 months.  However, the pharmacy decided not to fill my prescription!  On the way to my doctor appointment this morning I was going over various thoughts on how to convince the pharmacy or insurance company to fill the stupid meds so I can stop feeling suicidal or at least wishing I was never born.  My doc wrote a new prescription and told me other patients have had similar problems at this pharmacy and he suggested a different place to try.

The last few weeks I have been overwhelmed by the feeling that I just have no impact on the kids.  It doesn’t matter what tactic I use or how I try to pull myself together mentally and remain “calm and assertive” – It just doesn’t seem to phase the kids.  I have been sinking lower and lower every day feeling as though there is no point in trying anymore to form these kids into well behaved children.  They just seem way too strong for my broken mind.  And here I am, overcome by our two and three year old girls.  I become weaker and weaker the more I see how weak I am.

I seem to have no affect on the kids!

Then, usually against my thought train, my husband helps me to see this is more than just parenting strong-willed kids.  I am still remembering what happened 20-30 years ago.  It seems that for me – I relive the emotional effects of the experiences which I have not yet remembered before getting the actual memory.  What I wind up doing is justifying how I feel by using my daily experiences to explain why I am feeling so pointless or angry or whatever.  It can be difficult, because it really is difficult to be experiencing such extreme feelings due to memories bubbling up, or just trying to understand that there really are several different parts of me speaking out, trying to understand and hear what my other’s are saying while trying to raise a family.  There are so many reasons for me to feel like the worst mom in the world – oh the humility of it all.

Regardless of how bad it can get, I still keep holding on…

Usually after asking myself “why” and, “how can God sit back when I am suffering so much” I seem to squeak out a mental prayer.  Hope seems to help calm me down, I think really that is God’s grace giving me strength to keep holding on a little bit longer.
I just keep holding on.

About a year ago or so my husband and I were able to successfully use hypnosis to work on recovering memories and cleaning the mental cobwebs.  However, lately I have not been able to relax and focus enough so we kinda let hypnosis slide for a while.  After another seemingly failed attempt at hypnosis last night with my husband I woke up this morning and understood what had been going on and why I felt so strongly that I could not make any impact on myself or anyone around me.  It is something I have read about other people experiencing, however, even after everything I have remembered already, this had not been a part of the equation until now.  It goes back to the programming/brainwashing the evil people do (I just call the abusers evil people).  They made me watch someone else or some animal get abused and tortured while I was restrained and unable to do anything about what was going on right in front of me.  Then if I had tried to make a move and save or even lessen what was going on that only caused more punishment on top of the abuse or torture.

This has had a major impact on who I am.  I do not believe that I can make a difference in the world, on myself or anything around me unless it is necessary or ordered.  Even then I need another adult to hold my hand through whatever it is that needs to be done.

So, this morning came this understanding: I am not meant to sit back and do nothing in life.  I am meant to make a difference.  It is the Devil’s influence and those evil people who did this to me by their own free will.  They need to STOP the good people in the world from making a positive difference!  I understood more presently that my life is much more than I think it is.  I understood how my intense emotions did not have so much to do with disobedient toddlers as it does have to do with my past.

Until now, I felt like I had kind of hit a brick wall.  Unable to make progress or recover I have been left to sink into my pits of internal hell.  I knew that even though I knew enough to accept or come as far as we have on our yellow brick road, I didn’t know enough to really break out of this person I have become as a result of the programming and evil in my life.  It seems easier for my others/alters to grow, learn, and change, than it is for me.  Being unable to progress had begun to eat away at any hope I had for becoming the person I have seen myself to be in the future.

My fear of success is really a fear of making a change or having a strong positive impact on someone or something.  This means if I move forward from this point I can really make a major difference.  I am excited, but scared.  There is a lot of work to do.  This has been an area where I have been extremely resistant – maybe just not ready for approaching until now.

Finally, some prayers have been answered.  I had to be ready, to reach a certain point or thought process in order to trigger this.  Although I am still very drained emotionally, and still have very depleated levels of hope and faith (charity too – maybe this whole thing is why I could never grow in charity?) there is enough of a spark because this connection was made to be able to become stronger again.

I thank Jesus for sharing His mother with me and being my brother.  Depression can really make it hard to retain hope.  It can be so painful to ask again for God’s help after sinking so low again and again and again.  Somehow things do get better.  Now, I need to remember this for tomorrow!!

Triggered by Parenting

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Today began pretty normal – tired waking up, but readying my self for a new day.  The older kids went to school while the little ones stay behind.  To begin with I felt very positive.  I said morning prayers and intended to write about my experiences with angels.  Then something happened.  My daughters started fighting – not the physical fighting, but the kind of fighting that leaves you feeling unwanted and left out.

A door slams.

“She won’t play with me!”

I go in and try to bring peace and unity to siblings.  The younger girls want to be like their older sisters.  Today, one of my daughters is home sick.  So my 5 year old decided she was going to play in her sister’s room – without her 3 year old sister.  Naturally the 3 yo is upset.  I find a solution with a different set of toys she could play with in the living room.  So what happens, the two older sisters come out and start playing with the toys I set up for my 3 yo.  Emotions soar quickly in a house of girls!  My 3 year old goes 0 to 60 emotionally in half a second it seems.

The trigger strengthens.

I yelled, “NO, you have to play nicely together!”   Immediately I feel terrible about yelling and within minutes sink into complete hopelessness.  I deal with that by texting my poor husband at work.  It helps me, but can’t say its easy for him to deal with.  Just prior to this I had texted him that I was quitting potty training – It feels impossible to be consistent at anything.  Through the texting I continued to express how angry and hopeless I was, how worthless I feel as a parent, and my “Why” questions about God.

My husband is pretty used to me by now.  He responded after the flurry of emotional texts was over without reacting to my emotions.  He suggested that I was triggered.  He was correct.  So, in spite of myself I started calming down at the mere suggestion that I was being triggered.

I still do not feel safe in groups.  As a child, the other kids around always left me behind.  They left me alone to be abused.  My brothers left me behind, my parents left me behind, and groups of kids left me behind.  So, when one of my kids gets upset that someone won’t play with them – I get triggered.  The problem is, I’m not sure there is anything I can do to prevent that experience from occurring.  Knowing now this is a trigger will help.  The trouble is with calming the intensity that being triggered imposes on the mind and body.

holly14_angels

“When you feel the assaults of passion and anger, then is the time to be silent as Jesus was silent in the midst of his ignominies and sufferings.”  — St Paul of the Cross (1694-1775)