Tag Archives: false memory

A Memory for Monday: a vision and a message

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Today I will go into a surreal type of memory.   Josie, one of my alter personalities, went through some sort of psychic training or development. She is the one who saw angels, ghosts, and even demons.   Psychic development is a part of monarch programming. I believe whatever part of the brain where Josie mainly resides gives her a greater ability to connect with or see spirits. Something she worked on was manipulating fire.

One day, while at the old white house where most of the rituals and torture occurred Josie (probably about 19 or so) was laying in the grass staring up at the stars. Josie’s hair was pulled back and she was wearing a tee shirt and jeans just relaxing alone outside when suddenly the stars began to move. They started moving in all directions, like fireworks bursting open. Then, He spoke – God – was talking. The message was:

“I created you to be good”

and

“I could destroy the world this instant”

God showed us that at the moment He decides the world needs to be destroyed, He can simply will the stars to lose their constancy and send them plummeting towards the earth.   Josie saw, this happen as He spoke.   The stars bursting out of their designated places within the universe suddenly moving towards me/her. I was not concerned about survival; rather, was relieved at knowing that God will one day destroy that house.   Understanding this was a vision and not reality, I laid there as I was shown the stars moving full force towards the earths crust, sending the crust into rippling waves outwards from the point of impact and destroying all in its path.

As the vision ended, God’s words remained, “I created you to be good,” and, “I could destroy the world this instant.” It hit through Josie’s heart, struck down all walls that could prevent it from penetrating through multiple dissociative labyrinths. She stood up, and started running towards the white house because the message she received was so strong and so hugely impacting that Josie wanted to share it right away with anyone who would listen. But, that was the problem, knowing nobody in the house would listen to a message like “God created you to be good!” So, she kept this message to herself, until now.

I still believe it is possible for any human being to turn their lives around, hear the word of God and change – no matter how evil they choose to be. I also believe that God’s mercy and love is infinite – greater than we can ever truly comprehend and that He still has the infinite ability to forgive an evil person and help them change regardless of the sin they have contributed to the world. However, it is not something that will happen without prayer and effort from the rest of us.

At the time this happened, Josie was doing everything in her power to gain power over me so that she could have more freedom.   To accomplish this, she chose to make agreements with demons. She made many of these agreements in order to weaken my will and provide greater temptation to grow in vice and fear virtue. Josie (and the rest of my others) were on a path of certain destruction and they didn’t even know it.

God came to Josie during a time when she was making some very bad decisions that would impact my soul as a whole. Josie and the rest of my Others were so separated from the core they never heard of God’s goodness. They never knew to pray, but I did, and I prayed. Often times while I thought I was home but was actually out at that house or out with “friends” in my mind I was saying my evening prayers. So while one half of me was seeking the devil, the other half was seeking God. I believe this was very helpful.

This vision was not the only time God came to intervene. Although, it would have been nice if God stopped the entire thing from the very beginning – I know human free will is the only factor that got in the way of God getting involved.

There was a recurring dream/nightmare that I had as a child of about 4 years old. I used to have night terrors that would drive me to climb into bed with my mom. My dad worked nights, so her bed was open. But the nightmares continued, I was woken from these nightmares and drawn to the bedroom window where I saw the entire world in my sight to be destroyed. There were no houses left, no roads, no trees – it was complete desolation with some fires here and there burning up the remaining bits of our world.   Eventually I gained the courage to turn away from the window and find out who was showing me this. I saw half of my parents’ bedroom filled with a darkness blacker than night and thicker than any shadow. I was confused, kind of scared, but more confused that some demon was showing me this and not an angel. The nightmare ended and I was able to go back to sleep.

So, these experiences do lead me to believe the end is near – although time is relative. If you compare 100 years to 100,000 then a hundred years is like a drop in the bucket. Regardless of that perspective, these experiences remind me how important it is to try to be good because life on this earth does not last forever!

Here is a prayer that I found recently:

I consecrate to God all that is in me: my memory and actions to God the Father; my understanding and my words to God the Son; my will and my thoughts to God the Holy Ghost; my heart, my body, my tongue, my senses and all my sorrows to the sacred Humanity o f Jesus Christ, “who was contented to be betrayed into the hands of wicked men and to suffer the torment of the cross.”

–St. Francis de Sales

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If “A” is true, then isn’t “B” true?

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Here is more of the story.  I don’t feel safe talking about this to anybody I know, other than my husband, and that is why I am anonymously online disclosing whatever it is that I can figure out.  There is a need to “report” – a mechanism that I destroyed within me although the need to heal through talking is still active and necessary I think for any human being.  The difference which frees me today is that I am not compelled to talk to my aunt and uncle about strange occurrences which I see now directly relate to the actions and life of my alters.  I have the ability to talk to anybody I want to, although prudence leads me to stay silent (except for my blog). Okay, actually, I still am missing a lot of pieces…

One of my happiest memories as a child was my dad telling me that I could be anything I wanted to be.  He gave me hope and showed me the doors to becoming whoever I wanted to be.  My dad and mom were married as teenagers.  They had to take whatever job they could get in order to pay the rent for the house my uncle bought for them.  We lived in a nice middle class neighborhood in a decent school district.  Beyond our neighborhood was a large farm.  The kids would cross over the creek, building make-shift bridges would start a marvelous adventure.  Then they would trek across the large corn-field, but when they saw the farmhouse they had to be careful because the farmer there would fire his rifle at the kids (as far as I know, nobody was ever injured during their adventures).  Just beyond the farmhouse, at the other end of the corn-field was the *oh-so-awesome* *SECRET* military base with nuclear missals pointed at the USSR during the cold-war.  Of course, this wasn’t much of a secret since all of the kids in the area knew where it was.  The kids would come back talking about how they saw vehicles coming and going, it was surrounded by a barbed wire fence, it was guarded by men with M16’s.  Of course my brothers NEVER let me go with them!  Finally, when I was in junior high a friend of mine and I walked out there – and my curiosity was satisfied.

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Methodical Destruction

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Hypnosis at home, do I really get hypnotized?  I am not sure if I can be truly hypnotized because of how my programming was set up. I was set up to go into a trance when ever the trigger was used.  I know in general of one trigger, although I am unable to remember the full trigger as it was used.  I know there were multiple triggers so that my alters could be brought out with or without access to a cb radio or cd/tape player.  I believe the mind control was used to direct me towards obedience and actions relating mostly to sex, satanic rituals, or torture/pain.  This ability they created (so to speak) caused me to be very focused in one direction based on the method they used to suppress me and bring out the alter of choice.  An alter personality either focused on satanic rituals, or focused on sex – two very different yet very entwined mind states since they both can rely on the other.  I still do not have my entire memory back relating to how the programming was done, however I know it was more than being strapped onto a table and being over stimulated with strobe lights combined with various sounds and smells and feelings.  A big part of the programming relied on the satanists to reinforce what the government wanted from me.  I am not sure if the gov’t had a specific purpose for training my split(s) a certain direction or if they were simply experimenting on certain groups of kids with various familial backgrounds and personalities.  I do know though that a group of adults was needed for some of the programming in order to reinforce and continue the destruction of my identity.

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Back to the beginning…

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Discovering something severe did occur in my childhood was not easy to accept – even though I had enough reason to accept it.  Anything short of the truth simply would not be enough.  I had to know what really happened and if I was barking up the wrong tree.  I needed validation.  Walking this path without proof has been an excellent exercise in practicing faith and hope in prayer and real life, let me tell ya!  It means leaning on God and believing He is not only listening to your prayers, but guiding you from within as well.

Still, my personal need for validation overwhelmed me and I gave in to it.  About 8 months after talking to a priest, I talked again to my aunt.  I asked her more about the old babysitter, she gave me more information on them.  I brought up the flashbacks I had (I expressed these in previous posts).  That was when her anxiety became visible.  She shifted her stance, rolled her eyes so hard her head went along too.

I did my best to allow her to put the blame on me.  I told her these could be false memories, that I am just trying to figure out what happened.  She went back to the old couple who babysat my brothers and I.  I had even brought up my uncle when talking about the memories that came up, but she did not bother once trying to defend anyone.

My aunt was already mad at my mom (her twin) for wanting to find the daughter my aunt had given up for adoption (this girl one of my alters is named for so my aunt could play mom to me/her).  When this recent development came up, my aunt decided to give up any relationship with my mom.  How do you do that to your own twin sister?  How do you betray your own family so much that you allow your own niece to be used in cult practices?? I don’t understand – but I do know that I will be required to forgive those that hurt me!  Argh – anyway…

I did what I could to mend my mom’s relationship with her twin.  I sent a letter giving my aunt every opportunity to say “none of this is true, you are wrong,” but she wouldn’t do it.  My mom had asked her sister if it was possible my uncle may have abused me, could anything have happened – but my aunt refused to answer that question.  She only acted offended, yet refused to say that her husband never abused me.  She wouldn’t even lie.  There were so many times I wished somebody would tell me nothing ever happened.  Then I could go on believing the lies I had been fed.

My dad heard by this point that I thought I may have been abused as a child.  His reaction was mixed,  half denial, half shock.  I haven’t brought it up again with my parents.  This was a couple years ago.

This event pretty much ended the preliminary searching and questioning my view of reality.  This experience helped me to see there is in fact more to my life than I or anyone else has been willing to admit.  Nobody could tell me the truth, and that meant I had to go deep within my self in order to unlock the memories already there, just hidden.

A couple months later my husband and I began our own therapy.  Honestly, I believe this works out best for us. I had been to several therapists in the past, none of whom were any help.  I saw a psychiatrist who only diagnosed me with ADHD.

I had NO idea how well my husband and I matched up when we got married.  God really did have a plan for us.  My husband has a very unique life history which combined with his God-given nature has made him the best man for the job!  It is like God guided our lives (given how human free will has impacted us in tremendous negative ways it astounds me that God somehow did this without going against free will) in such a way that everything the devil did, God was able to out-do!  Which, makes sense – God is all-powerful omnipotent – it just puts me in awe when I think about the semi-big picture.  Even through all the pain thrust at me as a child, even though it seemed like the devil may win because numerous people around me knowingly rejected God, somehow – I have a lot to be thankful for!

Even though the truth hurts, it does set you free.  Even though I suffer low lows along with nice level times – somehow – even when I fall, God is right there waiting and offering me a hand up (even when I’m too hurt to believe it).

Chapter 1 Growing Up Me

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For as long as I can remember, I have felt different.  I have been socially impaired and very uncomfortable with my body.  This is not to say that I never had any friends, I did, but couldn’t connect with others the same way other people do.  As different as I felt from others, they could tell I was different also.  That made me a kind of target for bullies.  I was very alone and scared.  As time went on, I became more numb.  I was building a fortress around my core.  Suicide was often obsessed about, although my life seemed pretty good (except for being made fun of at school).  The one thing that kept me alive was reading in the Roman Missal that suicide is an act of vengeance against God, and because of that you go straight to hell.  I figured, no matter how bad life is – hell is much worse!  So I held on with hope that some day things would change.   Although that piece of knowledge kept me going, I wasn’t sure that would help a ton of other people, so it is not something I have shared too often.  But, because I discovered this through my traditional prayer-book I have done my best to “owe my life to God through tradition for saving mine through tradition!”  Let me tell you, this is not easy!

The most peaceful place growing up was church.  The peaceful quiet of the low Latin mass provided a perfect sanctuary for my soul.  There I could be alone in thought and prayer with God.  There was no danger at church.  Nobody ridiculed anyone.  Nobody crossed any line concerning respect for humanity.  The next happiest place was my dad’s parents house.  My grandma loved kids.  She is the grandmother who everyone, not only her grandchildren, call grandma.  My dad and his family are all good and have had no fault in my trauma growing up, except for their desire to see the good in all people.

Anyway, I didn’t know those suicidal thoughts were the result of years of intense trauma.  I suppose the memories could be described as a sort of jigsaw puzzle/3D matrix.  In order to get to the hub, I had to start from the outside and work my way in.  So, the first memories to surface were those of babysitter(s) who were abusive.  Those memories related to abuse, without connecting directly to the main source of the split personality.  Some of those memories I always had, however, I accepted that they had missing pieces as if that were normal.  Everyone forgets things, right?  The missing pieces were specific though.  For example:  what happened at the babysitters house between seeing the other kids in the old man’s bedroom and “waking up” halfway down the stairs?  Once my husband helped me accept the missing pieces mean something and that I do still have the memory, it was just a matter of uncovering the hidden memories.

As I have progressed in uncovering the truth, I’ve discovered my own life and identity has been defined by lies which had to be believed in order to protect me from knowing what really happened.   I understood false memories to mean something to the effect of remembering abuse that did not actually happen.  What I learned is that the seemingly uneventful repetitive actions were in reality the false memory.  Knowing now what I did not know then, it makes perfect sense why my best friends in the whole wide world who I thought I had spent every day with would say “We didn’t actually spend that much time together.”  At the time I blew it off thinking my friends actually had the faulty memory!  The best way to illustrate this is to have you think of an action movie where someone has to get into a safe and get past multiple security cameras which are constantly being guarded by security officers.  The thieves cut the video wire which the guards are watching, placing what they see on a loop.  The same space of time which was recorded is played over and over again and again.  While the guards think nobody is in the safe committing a crime, the thieves are stealing the money and nobody knows it until the treasure is gone!

 

Introduction

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How do you help a person understand where I have come from and where I am now? This journey through life so far has been one of deep deception and major betrayal as well as great Love and Hope. Since I am almost certain my close family would not believe the truth – that they have been severely betrayed and still are completely clueless about any wrongdoing – I am here, online and anonymous to bear the truthful witness to the severity of evil in the world and the power of God to overcome all evil provided we are only willing to persevere through suffering.

Let nothing disturb you’ let nothing make you afraid; all things pass away, God never changes. Patience obtains all things. He who has God lacks nothing; God alone suffices. St. Teresa of Avila

I am a Catholic mom with 6 daughters. I live in the midwest and was raised with the traditional Latin Mass. My parents are good people, they are just as much victims as I. Throughout life, I thought my deep pain was only from being bullied in school. However, I could never heal from it! Now that I know the truth, healing is progressing. It wasn’t until after my 6th daughter was born that I finally came to grips with not only having been sexually abused as a little girl, but was passed around within a satanic cult and used as a slave for pedophiles. This was made possible with the use of monarch programming. To make it simple, I would stay at my uncle and aunt’s house overnight. My parents trusted them. This aunt is my mom’s twin sister – she lost a daughter about my age. So, I would go to sleep for the night. While I thought I was in bed, uncle would bring me to the occult rituals. I was back in bed long before sunrise, left to awaken in the bed, just as I was when I went to sleep. Whatever happened was “just a dream.” At least that is how it all began.