Tag Archives: angels

Jesus’ Agony

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Every so often I come to a point where I start to question everything.  I question these memories, or my Others and how separated are they or if they are real.  I test whether or not the life I remember is the life i lived.  I get to a point where I am like, Oh COME ON ALREADY!!!   Are You Serious??? Really???  Every once in a while it gets to be too much, because honestly I am currently living the life that fits with the past I remembered.  Usually this happens when I am faced with a major change of perspective on how I apply what I am learned so far to my life in a way that I can not hide from. It is then that I go back to what brought me here in the first place.

This path I am on started ten years ago with St. Padre Pio.

It has been Ten Years Already!  Wow!  Back then I was 75% sure that I had not experienced abuse.  The first day asking for St. Pio’s intercession to heal this mental chaos, he gave me one small flashback.  And that was it – the question’s I had throughout my life regarding whether or not anything abusive happened was in fact answered.  But, isn’t that interesting too?  I always questioned whether or not I was abused – as if even as a young person I knew what I could not consciously know.

This post is more of a continuation of two previous posts:

Setting the Stage for D.I.D.

Accepting the Worst

When I was probably 2 years old our family lived in an apartment.  Hanging on the dining room wall was a painting that my great-grandparents bought when they were first married.  It was a painting of Jesus in the garden of olives (I believe is called the garden of Gethsemane?)

As a very little girl I would look up at that painting.  It was a very dark painting, set in a dark wooden frame.  It was difficult to understand what the painting was about.  One day, my dad must have been sober for a moment and took interest in his daughter pondering this painting.  He stood next to me, and gave me the opportunity to ask him, “Who is that?”

He said it is Jesus.  It is a painting of His agony in the garden of olives.

I didn’t know who Jesus was or what agony meant, but couldn’t help staring at this painting of a man kneeling and praying with heartfelt expression on his face.  His apostles, sleeping in the distance.

[39] And going out, he went, according to his custom, to the mount of Olives. And his disciples also followed him. [40] And when he was come to the place, he said to them: Pray, lest ye enter into temptation.

[41] And he was withdrawn away from them a stone’ s cast; and kneeling down, he prayed, [42] Saying: Father, if thou wilt, remove this chalice from me: but yet not my will, but thine be done. [43] And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him. And being in an agony, he prayed the longer. [44] And his sweat became as drops of blood, trickling down upon the ground. [45] And when he rose up from prayer, and was come to his disciples, he found them sleeping for sorrow.

[46] And he said to them: Why sleep you? arise, pray, lest you enter into temptation. [47] As he was yet speaking, behold a multitude; and he that was called Judas, one of the twelve, went before them, and drew near to Jesus, for to kiss him. [48] And Jesus said to him: Judas, dost thou betray the Son of man with a kiss? [49] And they that were about him, seeing what would follow, said to him: Lord, shall we strike with the sword? [50] And one of them struck the servant of the high priest, and cut off his right ear.

[51] But Jesus answering, said: Suffer ye thus far. And when he had touched his ear, he healed him.  (Luke 22:39-51)

For some reason, that painting connected to my heart.

Growing up learning the traditional catechism, we were taught that during Jesus’ agony Satan was there.  The devil showed Jesus all of our sins, all the horrible things that would still happen until the end of the world regardless if Jesus suffered on the cross or not.  And the devil showed these things to Jesus – ALL of the sins of mankind – all of this within an hour.

It makes sense why Jesus was sweating blood from every pore of His body!

I try to place myself in that position…

Jesus, during this agony, saw…

innocent babies being tortured,

children being raped,

children being scandalized in countless ways,

His own church, His own priests abusing others

His own followers allowing Satan to infect, betray, and deceive

Jesus saw how “anti-apostles” who are satanic priests would deceive others into allowing them into a catholic church, turn the unleavened bread into the body and blood of Jesus, only to then turn around and use His body and His blood in black masses – and still, nobody believes this happens.

That is not all, no, He also saw the suffering He was about to endure.

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Jesus saw and felt not only the victimization and perversion of innocence, but also the sins of those who committed these crimes.  Contemplating this in regards to my own life feels impossible because I know how hard it has been to remember and allow Christ to heal me.  Just one memory alone is too much, let alone my entire existence and lives of those who did in fact choose to abuse and torture me.

Jesus saw this all, before he died.  Not only my life and the lives of those who did this to me – but every one – ALL sins til the end of the world!

No wonder he sweat blood.

So, whenever this all seems like it is too much I unite myself with Jesus Christ’s Agony in the Garden.  Whenever this seems like it is too hard to believe when another memory comes up – I suffer through the memory anyway.  Jesus endured my memories, and He didn’t deserve to suffer through them.

Jesus took some of the suffering upon Himself, so that I wouldn’t have to suffer as much.

When it all is too weird for words, I say to myself this:

“Even if this isn’t true, I am going to suffer this anyway because chances are that somebody somewhere in the world is in fact going through this.  Chances are that somebody in the world is too weak to endure remembering their trauma, and I am remembering now for their sake.”

This is how I unite myself with Christ’s agony as best I can.

Then, I am usually reminded of all the examples that show me how this is all true and I did go through this.

Gethsemane6

Jesus, I trust in You!

 

Sometimes, it feels like we will never get through this.  It feels like the suffering will never end.  The hard days become more common that the okay days.  But, I know that as long as I am able to cry out to God –

God will show His mercy and His love.

Living Water for Suffering

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Every day there are little trials or irritations.  Sometimes, or most of the time, I forget to lean on God to help me relieve some of the pressure.  Other times it is easier to remember that when you are on God’s side, you have access to a well of strength.  This well does not ever run dry, because it is supplied by God’s infinite power and His living water.

Like fresh cool water on a hot day, this living water supplied by God keeps me going when I feel like I am about to collapse under the cross I carry.  A drink of cold water on a hot summer day does not change the weather around you.  Cold water is not exactly the same as a cool breeze, it is not something that will transfer you from the middle of a dessert to a cool lush location.  Cool water will not fix the air conditioning in your car and cool you off from the outside.  Instead it aids the inside of your body allowing you to enjoy the world around you.  When no longer dehydrated, it is easier to walk the path in front of you without being focused on any discomfort or suffering.

Being without the living water supplied by God’s grace is similar in that the pressure we feel while carrying our daily cross – otherwise known as our daily or life long difficulties – is like being dehydrated on a hot day.  The harder we press on with our cross, the harder it is to do that without being focused on our personal suffering.  Our suffering becomes all we can think about.  Kind of like when you get SO thirsty that all you can do is think about getting a drink of water!  When we get to the point where we “can’t take it anymore” (something I experience often enough), that is time to go to God, kneel down, and ask for a spiritual drink of water.

God may or may not change your external circumstances.  He may decide the path you are on is too important to change.  Sometimes God shows us another path to take, and we just don’t take it.  God will not change our free will or the will of anyone around us.  But, He will give us water and help us carry our crosses.  We are not promised happiness in this life, but if we remain faithful and love God, He will bring us happiness in the next life.

***My husband likes to say God doesn’t take his stress away, He just gives him the capacity to handle an infinite amount!

Even Jesus, in his agony, asked the Father to change the circumstances and make things easier, but resolved to accept His Father's will.  The angel brought him a chalice of strength.

Even Jesus, in his agony, asked the Father to change the circumstances and make things easier, but resolved to accept His Father’s will. The angel brought him a chalice of strength.

“O holy Angel who didst strengthen Jesus Christ our Lord, come and strengthen us also; come and tarry not!”

A Memory for Monday

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Please use caution when reading my post if you are dealing with ptsd or did since reading any posts about my memories may be triggering. Today I mention angels, demon, switching personalities, catholicism

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Read the rest of this entry

Angels Are Around Us

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Angels are supernatural beings created by God to give guidance and support during rough times.  They also may protect you from physical dangers.  Angels love you because they love God.  The angels were created by God before the creation of man.  After the creation and fall of man in the Garden of Eden, God saw fit to provide each human being with an angel to guard him or her from various dangers both spiritual and corporeal from the point of conception.  These angels provide light from God, they are a sort of “middle man” so to speak.  They are messengers, you may even perceive them as personal assistants in life.

All spirits communicate without the use of physical senses or parts.  Angels and other spirits communicate telepathically or mind-to-mind.  It is very easy to communicate with your own Guardian Angel.  You may simply say or think “Jesus” and it will fill your angel with joy.  Saying God’s name tells your angel you are thinking about God in a positive manner, this also gives your angel more hope for you.  The angel gives glory to God and becomes closer to you.  You can speak with your angel vocally or in thought.  When using thought to communicate it is important to address your guardian angel first.  I find this way more effective.  It also helps to find a quiet place to meditate prayerfully when you want to get closer to your angel.  You may want to go to a church and pray or contemplate God which means just sitting or kneeling there thinking about God.  It also is a good idea to tell God you are sorry for hurting Him.  This opens up your soul to receiving His medicine which is His endless Mercy.  God is more understanding and forgiving than any of us could possibly imagine!  As you open your soul up to God’s healing grace, your guardian angel will be able to communicate with you more clearly.

Psalms 90:11
For he hath given his angels charge over thee; to keep thee in all thy ways.

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