Eating a sour lemon is over quicker than making lemonade…

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I am scared.

There it is.  I am scared!

It took nearly ten years to realize the abuse I endured caused me to dissociate.  Until my husband and I came to accept this we were homeschooling.  However, teaching the kids at home forced me to deal with whatever it was that caused functioning in this life to be so darn difficult.  Taking on more responsibility at home meant that I could not spend time escaping from my self.  This was when I went to see a neuropsychiatrist who diagnosed me with A.D.D.  The medication for ADD enabled my brain to make and keep more connections and ultimately helped me to become able to take a look at myself.  Though the memories of sexual abuse had already begun surfacing years before this, the medication helped me take things to another step where I could think about those memories and allow more connections to be made.  Previously, the memories were like a ladder missing most of the rungs.  I had several ladders with only a few rungs.  I was getting nowhere!  The meds helped me put more rungs on the ladder so I could actually get somewhere!

Though the medication helped me get through homeschooling for the most part, there were times I was not able to fill the prescriptions.  During the unmedicated or less medicated times homeschooling was extremely difficult – like walking backwards on a treadmill.  Knowing our kids’ education important we decided to send them to a private school.  However, we could not keep sending them to the school that the kids and my husband and I liked so much and wound up sending them to public school.

Every time I thought about sending my kids to public school the fear that somebody is going to do God know’s what to them plagued me.  You see, the uncle who sold me to the devil and signed me up for the government’s modern form of slavery also worked for the fire department.  When I was in kindergarten it was his job to walk through the school and make sure the building was safe.  He would walk through every classroom.  When I saw him, I couldn’t help but wave and say “hi!” Eventually everybody started waving and I could hear several classes shout out, “Hi uncle _________!”  This happened every few weeks.

I have no memory of abuse occurring at the school, but my uncle is forever tied to school for me.

For two days in a row, for separate reasons, all the area schools were under lock-down.  Yesterday there was a different threat than the one today and neither threats were against my kids’ schools, but the school has to take safety measures.  Objectively I know my kids are safe.  But I mean COME ON!!! 

These are the times that make me so thankful to have developed a prayer-life long ago.  It was hope that I clung to while sinking into suicidal thoughts as a young girl.  It was knowing that God knows all my thoughts and feelings that allowed me to pray without anybody knowing.  And, it was my guardian angel that protected me from greater injury when I was hit by a car at 6 years old – I only had a few scrapes and bruises.  This is proof of God’s love.  This is my proof that He does in fact intervene, even if it is not obvious in an outward visible way.  These are experiences that no man can take from me.  Just like God sending grace to help me keep going then, He will do the same now.

I just have to make use of His help.  I still feel the pressure and fear, but I know that it ends.

Hopefully my kids do not have to be on lock-down ever again!!

Number 52

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Sarah’s sailing out to sea

in a weather beaten boat

destination’s not important

just as long as she ignores it

She puts on her dress

the one her mom bought today

for her birthday she sails away

watching the wind press on the waves

Mother adores her

passion to make dreams come true

she left them all behind her back

never looking that way again

future in ocean

has taken her all over

doesn’t need to know her losses

happiness has left the building

Sarah sells her golden ring

says it makes her finger sting

Bill says, “She doesn’t follow my rules”

maybe it is better this way

Sarah’s sailing out to sea

in a weather beaten boat

destinations not important

just as long as she has her coat

——————————————–

—-Another poem of mine from 16 years ago or so—-

Picking Up Good Vibrations

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An interesting and exciting experience occurred with my baby.  I was giving her a bottle and stopped to burp her.  So I put her on my shoulder and patted her back.  Then she did something babies always do when their mouth is near skin – she tried licking my shoulder.  Her automatic nursing reflex to eat kicked in.  Now, even with all of the babies I have had, even though my kids all sucked on my arm if they moved their head, looking for more food, I had never felt the sensation of a baby attempting to nurse!  I have felt it on a physical level, but not in a way where my brain would interpret what I was feeling and in turn allow me to live in that experience.  I never knew – how removed I was from the physical experience of living.  I had no idea there was more to our senses.  Sure, my senses are mostly in tact (except for pain and pleasure) – I can see, hear, smell, taste, and feel.  I can appreciate a beautiful painting, enjoy music, like and dislike different smells and tastes, BUT none of those things have been able to move me on an emotional level.  Life has been impersonal and I never realized it until my baby “nursed” on my shoulder.

It makes sense now why breastfeeding has been impossible.  I understand now that feeling in my breasts comes and goes.  There is no pain, no pleasure 90% of the time.  What I feel is pretty much robotic or strictly on a physical level – very externally focused.

There are pros and cons to having a limited experience of the senses.  Here is a good example of a pro:  Childbirth.  Labor and delivery is said to be the most painful thing a person could go through, however, the delivery room was said to be like a black hole the last time I was giving birth.  When the pain hits and increases, I do not talk, I do not move.  I retreat and pull everything I can within.  I become extremely focused during the pain.  I actually use all my strength to get through birth.  Nobody knows it though.  To everybody else I am a frigging’ machine.  There is no crying, or yelling, no crazy outbursts – I lay there quietly and still.  Thankfully my husband can tell by now how much pain I am in by how quiet and still I am.  When it comes time to push I do yell – that is very painful – although my husband still says even then I don’t express how I feel or even use grunts to help push.

So, limited pain is a pro. The cons range from physical to the emotional.  During one of my pregnancies I became extremely sick and didn’t know it until I was on my death-bed.  I had an infection from a super-bug that is resistant to antibiotics and has a mortality rate which varies from 50% to 100% depending on the overall health of the individual.  This was severe pneumonia and a severe kidney and bladder infection.  I HAD NO IDEA that I was so sick!  The baby was delivered a month early.  Labor was induced though I was having seizures.  When the baby was born, she had a fever of 106 degrees and needed an IV which was put in through the soft spot of her skull!  Also I am unable to breastfeed because I am unable to experience nursing a baby.  Then you have the marital problems that arise because touching and being touched doesn’t connect with my emotions or mental processes they way it does for most normal people.  I can’t tell you, how hard marriage has been because I don’t really experience life!  So the fact that finally I experienced a touch in a new way is a major eye opener.

What else don’t I feel?

Bits and pieces on my mind about God

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After my last memory post, my husband (who does all the research on my situation) discovered one of the techniques used in mind control or severe manipulation as it relates to the victim’s personal view of God.  To be honest, none of the phrases I can come up with can really give an adequate description of how intense and psychologically torturous mind control really is.  To call it “mind-control” or manipulation, or brainwashing – does not do it justice.  The best thing to call it is Psychological Torture.  Back to the point, one of the focuses is to give the victim a view of God as being someone who can help you, but just chooses not to.  This God, who is supposed to love and save you, threw you into the hands of people who abuse you and refuses to protect you.  They turn God into a person who is one of the abusers.  They force you into a position of having to do something wrong and make you believe that God will not forgive you, twisting bible verses to reinforce their heretical teaching.  Another tool they use is getting somebody from their group and telling you that this person is Jesus.  I believe that is what lead me to stop the ritual I mentioned in the previous memory post.  Part of me was stopping Jesus from being killed.

I know that how the programmers and abusers worked on twisting my view of God was very painful, because as a child I remember before falling asleep at night I would pray and think about how my guardian angel was always there to protect me.  I kept praying to God to please send my parents to pick me up, let me go home.  I believed that my angel would help me, and I never gave up believing that fact.  My others though, they had a rougher time.  Through all the pain and internal conflict, I know God preserved me.  It is because of Him that I am alive today.  It is because of God that I am married to my husband – who just happens to be the absolute most perfect person for me to be married to. I have SO much to be thankful for!

There is so much more that I want to explain, but can’t make the connections and bring forward the information that applies to this subject.  I know the information is there – but access is limited.  What I do know and what I can share is this:  God’s mercy is infinite. The only thing that prevents God from forgiving anybody is the person’s unwillingness to say they are sorry and ask forgiveness!  I also learned that I am not above any sin – given the right circumstances and conditions, I can fall for any temptation.  That is a key to humility and is so necessary as a follower of Christ.  And you know, the more you lean on God to help you through the tough times, the closer you become to God.

My husband and I work together on healing with the use of imagery in the format of hypnosis.  I am unable to become unconscious and remain completely aware during these sessions together – but it still works out well.  My husband guides me downward to a deeper part of my brain the same way a person would during hypnosis.  He guides me to my castle.  (there happens to be a kind of mind control programming called castle programming)  I incorporated God into my castle because that made me feel safe.  In the beginning there was a simple white cross that my alters and I put our suffering on and offered up to God.  Then, after fighting off demons with the help of my guardian angel, I turned one of my reclaimed rooms into a chapel.  My relationship with Jesus was not formed so well, and so I went to Jesus’ mother – the Blessed Virgin Mary and asked for her help.  Eventually I brought a life-sized crucifix into the downstairs living room.  This way, upon entering my castle, I would kneel before the image of Christ and ask for His assistance during this therapy session with my husband.  Eventually, one of my alters converted.  I prayed for my full conversion, and Josie did, Emily is reluctant but has accepted Christ, and Nicky is one I am still working on.  When Josie accepted Jesus, I brought her downstairs where she knelt down before the crucifix and began crying at the feet of Jesus.  As she did this, the statue of Christ on the cross became real!  We had reached the place where God resides within us.  Since then, Jesus has been closer to me than ever before.

At this point, I have another chapel within my castle where my alters and I can go in prayer or during therapy to pray and talk to God.  Recently, Emily was having trouble understanding why God didn’t save her.  Jesus came to her, with his crown of thorns, and his skin torn from the scourging at the pillar, and he knelt down by little Emily, held her, and with more love than I could imagine He expressed how all His cuts are for her.  The thorns in His head, are for her.  Before I was ever born, He knew what would likely happen.  This upset him so much that he bled during His agony in the garden.  It is hard to grasp what this really means, but now Emily knows Jesus is really a loving merciful God.  The thing is, this is true for all of us – not just me, not just you – but every person on Earth!

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44

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Bruised was my heart

as you walked away

toughened was my cry

after having to stay

watching your face

prepare for war

reminds me again

how hurt we both are

Still I stand strong

looking at you staring at me

waiting for love

receiving stolen energy

the coldness of your eyes

pours through your mouth

slashing my skin

poisoning my heart.

Love me, love me not,

peal the petals off my soul

leave me for dead

I’m out of control

Living Water for Suffering

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Every day there are little trials or irritations.  Sometimes, or most of the time, I forget to lean on God to help me relieve some of the pressure.  Other times it is easier to remember that when you are on God’s side, you have access to a well of strength.  This well does not ever run dry, because it is supplied by God’s infinite power and His living water.

Like fresh cool water on a hot day, this living water supplied by God keeps me going when I feel like I am about to collapse under the cross I carry.  A drink of cold water on a hot summer day does not change the weather around you.  Cold water is not exactly the same as a cool breeze, it is not something that will transfer you from the middle of a dessert to a cool lush location.  Cool water will not fix the air conditioning in your car and cool you off from the outside.  Instead it aids the inside of your body allowing you to enjoy the world around you.  When no longer dehydrated, it is easier to walk the path in front of you without being focused on any discomfort or suffering.

Being without the living water supplied by God’s grace is similar in that the pressure we feel while carrying our daily cross – otherwise known as our daily or life long difficulties – is like being dehydrated on a hot day.  The harder we press on with our cross, the harder it is to do that without being focused on our personal suffering.  Our suffering becomes all we can think about.  Kind of like when you get SO thirsty that all you can do is think about getting a drink of water!  When we get to the point where we “can’t take it anymore” (something I experience often enough), that is time to go to God, kneel down, and ask for a spiritual drink of water.

God may or may not change your external circumstances.  He may decide the path you are on is too important to change.  Sometimes God shows us another path to take, and we just don’t take it.  God will not change our free will or the will of anyone around us.  But, He will give us water and help us carry our crosses.  We are not promised happiness in this life, but if we remain faithful and love God, He will bring us happiness in the next life.

***My husband likes to say God doesn’t take his stress away, He just gives him the capacity to handle an infinite amount!

Even Jesus, in his agony, asked the Father to change the circumstances and make things easier, but resolved to accept His Father's will.  The angel brought him a chalice of strength.

Even Jesus, in his agony, asked the Father to change the circumstances and make things easier, but resolved to accept His Father’s will. The angel brought him a chalice of strength.

“O holy Angel who didst strengthen Jesus Christ our Lord, come and strengthen us also; come and tarry not!”

Inspirational Saints Who Suffered Abuse

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Ever since I was a little girl and learned how much some of the saints have suffered through the centuries they have been an inspiration.  Martyrs of the Catholic Church have some of the most fascinating stories to tell.  Regardless of how I felt as a child, in spite of my pain which had no conscious source until a couple years ago – these saints helped me to know that no matter how bad it was (a) it could always get worse, and (b) if it does get worse, God will help me through it.  At least I am not being burned to death like many martyrs.  St Lawrence was burned on a grill and the famous quote is, “you can turn me over, I am done cooking on that side.”  Then there is St. Lucy, whose eyes were gouged out as part of her torture.  St. Margaret of Antioch was also a daughter of a pagan priest who converted to christianity.  She was tortured when she refused to marry a pagan prefect, was swallowed by a dragon, and eventually was beheaded.

Below I share a few saints and blesseds who persevered in leaning on God throughout their painful lives:

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No. 41

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It is crazy knowing

my life will take a turn

not knowing what,

but soon enough I’ll learn

what’s going to happen

there is a feeling the year

will be eventfull

of this I am scared

crazy it may be,

what is going to happen to me?

No. 40

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Why must I hide the child inside

from you?  This is from the hurt

which I hope for help to heal.

Cries inside of rage, and this cage

does not comfort me alone.

Sights of light can disengage

the lonely feeling I’ve shown.

Sad it does sound.  This heart, however

beats for you, love.

Pain undergone in the past

For some reason seems to last

When pieces of pain poke the present.

Love me honey,

Let me be your only one.

I will believe this if is said true.

From soul to soul

For me there is just you.