Internal conflicts… that which hits the at the heart of who my alters are and why they exist; the very reason from what I can tell so far, that one alter split into two and so on. My husband is an empath and picks up on the deepest parts of my emotions. He has picked up on things which for years I would not accept, and now find are true.
Here is what I know of my Others so far:
It started with Emily. She is my little girl. She’s about 10, but has the maturity of a 5 or 6 year old. She faced the initial horrors which brought her into being. Somehow Nicea came into the mix. She had a different name to begin with, but (ok, I know this sounds weird but go with it) Jesus brought her up into my awareness out of the pits of my deepest interior hell during one of my hypnosis sessions with my husband. Jesus renamed her. I typically refer to her as Nicky. Nicky holds all of the pain and suffering physically and emotionally that the other girls can not live with. If Jesus did not show her to me I would have thought she was a demon plaguing me, honestly. At some point during puberty (I hate the word, ug) Josie was split off. I believe the reason she was split is due to my body growing and being able to feel enjoyment during sex. She somehow developed out of Emily’s rejection of and hatred for all sexual enjoyment and anyone involved with the act. Emily held on to that which made sense to her, while Josie developed in the backround at first. Josie embodies Emily’s inability to connect with other people and enjoy the world around her. Josie can act well socially around others and really enjoys sex.
Before Nicky was brought out from the darkness, Emily had a very intellectual and objective personality. She was very curious and had many questions. She still has the questions, but since Nicky completes her in a way, the intense emotions of a child who has been traumatized have been restored to Emily’s nature. Nicky is also the protector of Emily.
In addition to those three major players there are the personality traits. I like to call them aspects of our personality. These aspects may be major parts of who I am that have been suppressed as a side effect from the abuse and programming. The aspects include joy, playfulness, setting goals, and even my sense of justice. There are many different aspects to our personality. It is possible the programming directly caused the suppression of many of these aspects – like leadership and goals and justice which would be in direct conflict with the programming.
The major conflict at this point has to do with my marital physical relationship. My husband has long picked up on Nicky’s hatred for, Emily’s pain from, and Josie’s longing for our physical relationship. I, personally, am indifferent. The conflicting emotions from my others leave me wishing the human race didn’t have to reproduce in the manner we do. I don’t feel that way out of dislike or hatred for the act, but rather out of utter frustration with the act. I do not orgasm – that’s Josie’s arena. I don’t loathe the physical nature of humanity – that’s Emily’s arena. I am caught in the middle. All I am left with is indifference. I could take it or leave it. I don’t mind it, but I don’t see what all the fuss is about. People act like sex is the be all end all of human existence and I just don’t get it. (To clarify, technically sex is the reason for human existence but what I mean to point out is how much sex has thoroughly taken over our culture) Look at all the psychological and physical trauma sex causes! It even causes trouble when it is used morally within marriage. I know it can be a holy and very good act, but there is nowhere to be found a clue as to how to turn sex from something abusive, raunchy, or selfish into something loving, beautiful, giving, and even holy. But what do I know. If I was to look for an answer to that question my others would keep fighting about it and nobody involved would be helped even if the answer was staring me in the face.
Then there is my wonderful empathic husband. Because of his empathy and analytical skills my alters and I have come as far as we have. But, when it comes to marriage, there has been trouble. Like I mentioned, he picks up on what I am feeling even stronger than I do. So, while I am feeling fine about touching each other, he picks up on the emotions stirring under the surface which makes the experience very trying on him mentally as well. It has gotten to the point where Emily and Josie are fighting over control of my body regardless of my awareness. I, myself, will be ready to be with my husband mentally, but physically my body won’t allow it. Other times I am mentally not in the mood but Josie will keep pushing me and my body refuses to relax until I get some. My husband at this point is exceptionally frustrated with the whole thing as am I.
One good thing coming out of this so far is that I am learning how to become stronger in my core. I must step up and say, I am married and care for my husband! I love him and WANT to take care of him! Still, it’s not easy. In a way, I think my others are kind of relieved to know I am increasing in strength.
Healing and getting stronger is a very exhausting process!