Category Archives: religion

Accepting the Worst

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When I began writing about coming to terms with having multiple personalities/dissociative identity disorder about a year ago or so the idea of accepting that there has been a BIG chunk of my life that I did not know anything about has been a struggle.  The idea that so much could have been done in my life and yet, I haven’t known it – it’s hard to accept.  I mean, I remembered hanging out with my friends like all the time.  But when they would make comments suggesting that they were not with me like I thought – I dismissed them as being crazy.  So – I had NO clue that any abuse was happening or that I had a bunch of other personalities handling the abuse.

For memories of abuse to be so well removed from my own memory means these memories are pretty horrible.  The memories of what was done are so horrible – really it is not something anybody wants to fantasize about.

Sometimes, acceptance is so far down recovery road that just acknowledging we are victims of a certain genre of abuse can be overwhelming to the point of nausea and passing out.  While I read passing out from recovering traumatic memories is extremely rare, there is one type of abuse that would make me extremely sick and pass out at the mere mention of it.  It has taken more than a year to come to terms with the idea this was possible before I could talk to my husband without getting sick over it.

Other memories can be entirely confusing because – I’m a catholic girl, and would really like to be a good catholic woman and frankly – I personally would never do these things (relating to satanic ritual abuse) in a million years under any condition.  The idea that any part of me could have been programmed or abused into following their orders has also been tough to accept.

God’s Divine and Infinite Mercy – as long as I am willing to say I am sorry, then I can be confident in His forgiveness!  Praying the Divine Mercy chaplet really helped me look at the horrible memories that God was shining His light on.  Also, I can not stress enough:

Pray that God will help you to know and accept the truth!

There is only one truth.  1 truth about my life and I ask God who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life to help me have the courage to know and accept this in my life.

Try to accept the worst.  Open your mind, loosen the hardened heart.  Protecting ourselves is only hurting us.

Yesterday was Sexagesima Sunday according to the traditional Catholic calendar.  This means we are about sixty days before Easter.  The priest connected the epistle and gospel in a wonderful way and inspired me to write today.

Sexagesima Sunday

Epistle  •  2 Corinthians 11:19-33; 12:1-9

Gospel • Luke 8:4-15

http://www.fatima.org/prayer/epistle/sexagesima_sunday_epistle.asp

In the epistle, St Paul said “but for myself I will glory nothing but in my infirmities”.  The epistle also mentions suffering.  Then the Gospel talked about someone spreading seeds on the ground and how depending on the type of soil the seed lands on the seed may or may not bear fruit.  The seed being the word of God and we are the soil.  Click the link above to read the epistle and gospel.

Ground that is tough and infertile will not help a seed grow, but if we can see our weaknesses and problems with humility we can loosen that soil.  People who have been neglected and abused  during childhood learn that we must protect ourselves.  Oftentimes when we do that we harden our own hearts to make ourselves as strong as possible.  We were only children trying to hold it together.  So we firmly hold on to all of the ideas and teachings that sustain us.

Hey, doing this kept me alive, so I don’t knock it as long as it’s keeping you going.  However, I am older and stronger now.  I don’t have to protect myself the same way now as I did then.

Yes, I hardened my heart and swallowed my tears (like the song, lol).  And in order to loosen that heart and loosen the soil I must grab a garden fork and stab myself in the heart with it.  It is painful, but in a way that is what it feels like to accept the worst. I had to die to myself and every idea and self perception.  So, you dig down deep with the garden fork and turn things around.  You loosen the soil, loosen your heart.  Now the brokenness is even more real, it’s more painful now that I am conscious of it.  But, the air suddenly is reaching my heart and I can breath!  The water is penetrating me and, you know what – my heart is not so brittle and cracked from drought anymore!  When you lift up your brokenness to God, it is then His grace can penetrate you and do the most healing.  It is when I could be honest with myself – accepting the truth about my life – that God could really do some pretty darn amazing things to aid the healing process.

So, have courage.  God is with you.  God sees all and knows all.  He knows all of your thoughts even better than you do.  Be brave and face yourself.

Bits and pieces on my mind about God

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After my last memory post, my husband (who does all the research on my situation) discovered one of the techniques used in mind control or severe manipulation as it relates to the victim’s personal view of God.  To be honest, none of the phrases I can come up with can really give an adequate description of how intense and psychologically torturous mind control really is.  To call it “mind-control” or manipulation, or brainwashing – does not do it justice.  The best thing to call it is Psychological Torture.  Back to the point, one of the focuses is to give the victim a view of God as being someone who can help you, but just chooses not to.  This God, who is supposed to love and save you, threw you into the hands of people who abuse you and refuses to protect you.  They turn God into a person who is one of the abusers.  They force you into a position of having to do something wrong and make you believe that God will not forgive you, twisting bible verses to reinforce their heretical teaching.  Another tool they use is getting somebody from their group and telling you that this person is Jesus.  I believe that is what lead me to stop the ritual I mentioned in the previous memory post.  Part of me was stopping Jesus from being killed.

I know that how the programmers and abusers worked on twisting my view of God was very painful, because as a child I remember before falling asleep at night I would pray and think about how my guardian angel was always there to protect me.  I kept praying to God to please send my parents to pick me up, let me go home.  I believed that my angel would help me, and I never gave up believing that fact.  My others though, they had a rougher time.  Through all the pain and internal conflict, I know God preserved me.  It is because of Him that I am alive today.  It is because of God that I am married to my husband – who just happens to be the absolute most perfect person for me to be married to. I have SO much to be thankful for!

There is so much more that I want to explain, but can’t make the connections and bring forward the information that applies to this subject.  I know the information is there – but access is limited.  What I do know and what I can share is this:  God’s mercy is infinite. The only thing that prevents God from forgiving anybody is the person’s unwillingness to say they are sorry and ask forgiveness!  I also learned that I am not above any sin – given the right circumstances and conditions, I can fall for any temptation.  That is a key to humility and is so necessary as a follower of Christ.  And you know, the more you lean on God to help you through the tough times, the closer you become to God.

My husband and I work together on healing with the use of imagery in the format of hypnosis.  I am unable to become unconscious and remain completely aware during these sessions together – but it still works out well.  My husband guides me downward to a deeper part of my brain the same way a person would during hypnosis.  He guides me to my castle.  (there happens to be a kind of mind control programming called castle programming)  I incorporated God into my castle because that made me feel safe.  In the beginning there was a simple white cross that my alters and I put our suffering on and offered up to God.  Then, after fighting off demons with the help of my guardian angel, I turned one of my reclaimed rooms into a chapel.  My relationship with Jesus was not formed so well, and so I went to Jesus’ mother – the Blessed Virgin Mary and asked for her help.  Eventually I brought a life-sized crucifix into the downstairs living room.  This way, upon entering my castle, I would kneel before the image of Christ and ask for His assistance during this therapy session with my husband.  Eventually, one of my alters converted.  I prayed for my full conversion, and Josie did, Emily is reluctant but has accepted Christ, and Nicky is one I am still working on.  When Josie accepted Jesus, I brought her downstairs where she knelt down before the crucifix and began crying at the feet of Jesus.  As she did this, the statue of Christ on the cross became real!  We had reached the place where God resides within us.  Since then, Jesus has been closer to me than ever before.

At this point, I have another chapel within my castle where my alters and I can go in prayer or during therapy to pray and talk to God.  Recently, Emily was having trouble understanding why God didn’t save her.  Jesus came to her, with his crown of thorns, and his skin torn from the scourging at the pillar, and he knelt down by little Emily, held her, and with more love than I could imagine He expressed how all His cuts are for her.  The thorns in His head, are for her.  Before I was ever born, He knew what would likely happen.  This upset him so much that he bled during His agony in the garden.  It is hard to grasp what this really means, but now Emily knows Jesus is really a loving merciful God.  The thing is, this is true for all of us – not just me, not just you – but every person on Earth!

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Living Water for Suffering

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Every day there are little trials or irritations.  Sometimes, or most of the time, I forget to lean on God to help me relieve some of the pressure.  Other times it is easier to remember that when you are on God’s side, you have access to a well of strength.  This well does not ever run dry, because it is supplied by God’s infinite power and His living water.

Like fresh cool water on a hot day, this living water supplied by God keeps me going when I feel like I am about to collapse under the cross I carry.  A drink of cold water on a hot summer day does not change the weather around you.  Cold water is not exactly the same as a cool breeze, it is not something that will transfer you from the middle of a dessert to a cool lush location.  Cool water will not fix the air conditioning in your car and cool you off from the outside.  Instead it aids the inside of your body allowing you to enjoy the world around you.  When no longer dehydrated, it is easier to walk the path in front of you without being focused on any discomfort or suffering.

Being without the living water supplied by God’s grace is similar in that the pressure we feel while carrying our daily cross – otherwise known as our daily or life long difficulties – is like being dehydrated on a hot day.  The harder we press on with our cross, the harder it is to do that without being focused on our personal suffering.  Our suffering becomes all we can think about.  Kind of like when you get SO thirsty that all you can do is think about getting a drink of water!  When we get to the point where we “can’t take it anymore” (something I experience often enough), that is time to go to God, kneel down, and ask for a spiritual drink of water.

God may or may not change your external circumstances.  He may decide the path you are on is too important to change.  Sometimes God shows us another path to take, and we just don’t take it.  God will not change our free will or the will of anyone around us.  But, He will give us water and help us carry our crosses.  We are not promised happiness in this life, but if we remain faithful and love God, He will bring us happiness in the next life.

***My husband likes to say God doesn’t take his stress away, He just gives him the capacity to handle an infinite amount!

Even Jesus, in his agony, asked the Father to change the circumstances and make things easier, but resolved to accept His Father's will.  The angel brought him a chalice of strength.

Even Jesus, in his agony, asked the Father to change the circumstances and make things easier, but resolved to accept His Father’s will. The angel brought him a chalice of strength.

“O holy Angel who didst strengthen Jesus Christ our Lord, come and strengthen us also; come and tarry not!”

Inspirational Saints Who Suffered Abuse

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Ever since I was a little girl and learned how much some of the saints have suffered through the centuries they have been an inspiration.  Martyrs of the Catholic Church have some of the most fascinating stories to tell.  Regardless of how I felt as a child, in spite of my pain which had no conscious source until a couple years ago – these saints helped me to know that no matter how bad it was (a) it could always get worse, and (b) if it does get worse, God will help me through it.  At least I am not being burned to death like many martyrs.  St Lawrence was burned on a grill and the famous quote is, “you can turn me over, I am done cooking on that side.”  Then there is St. Lucy, whose eyes were gouged out as part of her torture.  St. Margaret of Antioch was also a daughter of a pagan priest who converted to christianity.  She was tortured when she refused to marry a pagan prefect, was swallowed by a dragon, and eventually was beheaded.

Below I share a few saints and blesseds who persevered in leaning on God throughout their painful lives:

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A Memory for Monday: a vision and a message

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Today I will go into a surreal type of memory.   Josie, one of my alter personalities, went through some sort of psychic training or development. She is the one who saw angels, ghosts, and even demons.   Psychic development is a part of monarch programming. I believe whatever part of the brain where Josie mainly resides gives her a greater ability to connect with or see spirits. Something she worked on was manipulating fire.

One day, while at the old white house where most of the rituals and torture occurred Josie (probably about 19 or so) was laying in the grass staring up at the stars. Josie’s hair was pulled back and she was wearing a tee shirt and jeans just relaxing alone outside when suddenly the stars began to move. They started moving in all directions, like fireworks bursting open. Then, He spoke – God – was talking. The message was:

“I created you to be good”

and

“I could destroy the world this instant”

God showed us that at the moment He decides the world needs to be destroyed, He can simply will the stars to lose their constancy and send them plummeting towards the earth.   Josie saw, this happen as He spoke.   The stars bursting out of their designated places within the universe suddenly moving towards me/her. I was not concerned about survival; rather, was relieved at knowing that God will one day destroy that house.   Understanding this was a vision and not reality, I laid there as I was shown the stars moving full force towards the earths crust, sending the crust into rippling waves outwards from the point of impact and destroying all in its path.

As the vision ended, God’s words remained, “I created you to be good,” and, “I could destroy the world this instant.” It hit through Josie’s heart, struck down all walls that could prevent it from penetrating through multiple dissociative labyrinths. She stood up, and started running towards the white house because the message she received was so strong and so hugely impacting that Josie wanted to share it right away with anyone who would listen. But, that was the problem, knowing nobody in the house would listen to a message like “God created you to be good!” So, she kept this message to herself, until now.

I still believe it is possible for any human being to turn their lives around, hear the word of God and change – no matter how evil they choose to be. I also believe that God’s mercy and love is infinite – greater than we can ever truly comprehend and that He still has the infinite ability to forgive an evil person and help them change regardless of the sin they have contributed to the world. However, it is not something that will happen without prayer and effort from the rest of us.

At the time this happened, Josie was doing everything in her power to gain power over me so that she could have more freedom.   To accomplish this, she chose to make agreements with demons. She made many of these agreements in order to weaken my will and provide greater temptation to grow in vice and fear virtue. Josie (and the rest of my others) were on a path of certain destruction and they didn’t even know it.

God came to Josie during a time when she was making some very bad decisions that would impact my soul as a whole. Josie and the rest of my Others were so separated from the core they never heard of God’s goodness. They never knew to pray, but I did, and I prayed. Often times while I thought I was home but was actually out at that house or out with “friends” in my mind I was saying my evening prayers. So while one half of me was seeking the devil, the other half was seeking God. I believe this was very helpful.

This vision was not the only time God came to intervene. Although, it would have been nice if God stopped the entire thing from the very beginning – I know human free will is the only factor that got in the way of God getting involved.

There was a recurring dream/nightmare that I had as a child of about 4 years old. I used to have night terrors that would drive me to climb into bed with my mom. My dad worked nights, so her bed was open. But the nightmares continued, I was woken from these nightmares and drawn to the bedroom window where I saw the entire world in my sight to be destroyed. There were no houses left, no roads, no trees – it was complete desolation with some fires here and there burning up the remaining bits of our world.   Eventually I gained the courage to turn away from the window and find out who was showing me this. I saw half of my parents’ bedroom filled with a darkness blacker than night and thicker than any shadow. I was confused, kind of scared, but more confused that some demon was showing me this and not an angel. The nightmare ended and I was able to go back to sleep.

So, these experiences do lead me to believe the end is near – although time is relative. If you compare 100 years to 100,000 then a hundred years is like a drop in the bucket. Regardless of that perspective, these experiences remind me how important it is to try to be good because life on this earth does not last forever!

Here is a prayer that I found recently:

I consecrate to God all that is in me: my memory and actions to God the Father; my understanding and my words to God the Son; my will and my thoughts to God the Holy Ghost; my heart, my body, my tongue, my senses and all my sorrows to the sacred Humanity o f Jesus Christ, “who was contented to be betrayed into the hands of wicked men and to suffer the torment of the cross.”

–St. Francis de Sales

A Memory for Monday

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Please use caution when reading my post if you are dealing with ptsd or did since reading any posts about my memories may be triggering. Today I mention angels, demon, switching personalities, catholicism

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Angels Are Around Us

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Angels are supernatural beings created by God to give guidance and support during rough times.  They also may protect you from physical dangers.  Angels love you because they love God.  The angels were created by God before the creation of man.  After the creation and fall of man in the Garden of Eden, God saw fit to provide each human being with an angel to guard him or her from various dangers both spiritual and corporeal from the point of conception.  These angels provide light from God, they are a sort of “middle man” so to speak.  They are messengers, you may even perceive them as personal assistants in life.

All spirits communicate without the use of physical senses or parts.  Angels and other spirits communicate telepathically or mind-to-mind.  It is very easy to communicate with your own Guardian Angel.  You may simply say or think “Jesus” and it will fill your angel with joy.  Saying God’s name tells your angel you are thinking about God in a positive manner, this also gives your angel more hope for you.  The angel gives glory to God and becomes closer to you.  You can speak with your angel vocally or in thought.  When using thought to communicate it is important to address your guardian angel first.  I find this way more effective.  It also helps to find a quiet place to meditate prayerfully when you want to get closer to your angel.  You may want to go to a church and pray or contemplate God which means just sitting or kneeling there thinking about God.  It also is a good idea to tell God you are sorry for hurting Him.  This opens up your soul to receiving His medicine which is His endless Mercy.  God is more understanding and forgiving than any of us could possibly imagine!  As you open your soul up to God’s healing grace, your guardian angel will be able to communicate with you more clearly.

Psalms 90:11
For he hath given his angels charge over thee; to keep thee in all thy ways.

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Our Lady of Ransom

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Today is the feast of Our Lady of Ransom. It is fitting to post something on this day! Our Lady appeared to St. Peter Nolasco, along with two other people asking them to found an order that will focus on freeing slaves. In our modern world (especially in America) it is common to believe that slavery is a long-gone thing of the past. However, that is not the case. The modern slavery is one that occurs without even the parents of some children knowing the truth! You will see what I am talking about when I am able to post more regarding my story.

Mind-control is very hard to believe, but does happen even on a larger scale than anyone may be willing to believe. I have lived through it while going to mass every sunday. Our priest used to do exorcisms monthly (as a prayer not a solemn exorcism, mind you) as my alter personality was being used by evil people. The priest sensed something, and he was correct!

To clarify – half of me is the good catholic girl, the one who loves God and desires to serve him perfectly; my other half consists of two personalities who lived among the satanists as their victim, their torture toy, their experiment.

Our Lady of Mercy

Our Lady of Mercy