Category Archives: Memories

Still Quiet

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About nine years ago already was my first flashback.  It only consisted of two hands and arms of a boy wrestling with me to hold me down.  This flashback was triggered by my husband being affectionate with me.   I could not see anything other than two hands and forearms.  My eyes were open, but I could not see my husband.  I couldn’t see anything other than these two half arms pinning me down – or trying to.  I was moaning while my husband held me but I was reliving childhood, fighting a boy.  It took my husband a few times of asking “What’s going on?” while he was holding me before I could get a good grip on reality.

Our third child was only a baby at the time and we were living with my parents.  Needless to say life was stressful.  My initial reaction was to finally think I was actually abused at some point during childhood – but probably only one time and that’s why I had forgotten it.  Four years later I had my next flash back involving a satanic ritual where some man was wearing an animal head with horns.  Between my first and second flashback I absolutely POUNDED my brain for memories!  And, yeah, I did get quite a few memories, but what I recalled back then did not paint the picture which is before me presently.  The memories I retrieved were choppy and didn’t make sense.  They didn’t fit together.  In fact the truth was still being furiously protected.  I was more willing to believe a new lie, just to protect myself from the truth.

One good thing about the various ideas I had about my past was that even though I may not have been completely accurate to begin with – the exploration helped me to become capable of handling the truth.  Much of what I retrieved initially was actually correct, but some of it was not.  Now that I can see more of the whole picture – I am ok with having been wrong at times.

It is knowing that I am not perfect and can interpret things incorrectly at times that helped me to keep all of this crap to myself for so darn long!  From the very beginning my goal was to keep the commandments.  One in particular I have done my best to keep is to not bare false witness.  Knowing there was no substantial proof to bring forward allowing me to say, “See… See it now!  My uncle did this!!” all I could do was keep it inside.  I never went up to anybody accusing them of abuse.  But, you know what, I never had to.  Asking questions to try and figure out if any of this was worth pursuing was enough to break the family apart.

That was all I needed to move forward, at least within myself.  As long as I have no proof or witnesses to support my lonely word I can not go to my family.  This is just me, other people and families are in different positions.  My family is not in danger by my keeping this to myself.  But, the danger of divulging what I discovered is much much more severe.  Maybe that is just the programming though.  Either way most people in my family wouldn’t believe any of this and if anybody did it would cause so much strife.  I have told who I needed to tell what I needed to tell.

It is hard to keep this to myself – to be so anonymous.  So many times the intense compulsion to open up to my brothers or anybody else in my family nearly won out over sense.

So many times the burden of this trial made me cry out to just reprogram me – let me forget what I remember!!  But, I have hope and faith that one day I will be able to open up to my family.  At that point the burden, the cross may seem to be put down for a moment and transformed into a new burden.

The point is, patience has served very useful so far.  If I had told people years ago they would have only heard my immediate interpretation of these memories which really was a very narrow scope.  I understand now that there is SOOOO much more going on.  The most important understanding of the past didn’t come until after I was accepting of the few shocking memories that came back.  Looking back at the journey so far I would have stopped a long time ago had my husband not supported me in healing.  If one or two people even mentioned disbelief before I was strong enough psychologically to defend what I know now is true it would have made me crumble and give up.

So keep praying, put one foot in front of the other every day – and before you know it there is a lot of healing behind you.

—Dory

Eating a sour lemon is over quicker than making lemonade…

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I am scared.

There it is.  I am scared!

It took nearly ten years to realize the abuse I endured caused me to dissociate.  Until my husband and I came to accept this we were homeschooling.  However, teaching the kids at home forced me to deal with whatever it was that caused functioning in this life to be so darn difficult.  Taking on more responsibility at home meant that I could not spend time escaping from my self.  This was when I went to see a neuropsychiatrist who diagnosed me with A.D.D.  The medication for ADD enabled my brain to make and keep more connections and ultimately helped me to become able to take a look at myself.  Though the memories of sexual abuse had already begun surfacing years before this, the medication helped me take things to another step where I could think about those memories and allow more connections to be made.  Previously, the memories were like a ladder missing most of the rungs.  I had several ladders with only a few rungs.  I was getting nowhere!  The meds helped me put more rungs on the ladder so I could actually get somewhere!

Though the medication helped me get through homeschooling for the most part, there were times I was not able to fill the prescriptions.  During the unmedicated or less medicated times homeschooling was extremely difficult – like walking backwards on a treadmill.  Knowing our kids’ education important we decided to send them to a private school.  However, we could not keep sending them to the school that the kids and my husband and I liked so much and wound up sending them to public school.

Every time I thought about sending my kids to public school the fear that somebody is going to do God know’s what to them plagued me.  You see, the uncle who sold me to the devil and signed me up for the government’s modern form of slavery also worked for the fire department.  When I was in kindergarten it was his job to walk through the school and make sure the building was safe.  He would walk through every classroom.  When I saw him, I couldn’t help but wave and say “hi!” Eventually everybody started waving and I could hear several classes shout out, “Hi uncle _________!”  This happened every few weeks.

I have no memory of abuse occurring at the school, but my uncle is forever tied to school for me.

For two days in a row, for separate reasons, all the area schools were under lock-down.  Yesterday there was a different threat than the one today and neither threats were against my kids’ schools, but the school has to take safety measures.  Objectively I know my kids are safe.  But I mean COME ON!!! 

These are the times that make me so thankful to have developed a prayer-life long ago.  It was hope that I clung to while sinking into suicidal thoughts as a young girl.  It was knowing that God knows all my thoughts and feelings that allowed me to pray without anybody knowing.  And, it was my guardian angel that protected me from greater injury when I was hit by a car at 6 years old – I only had a few scrapes and bruises.  This is proof of God’s love.  This is my proof that He does in fact intervene, even if it is not obvious in an outward visible way.  These are experiences that no man can take from me.  Just like God sending grace to help me keep going then, He will do the same now.

I just have to make use of His help.  I still feel the pressure and fear, but I know that it ends.

Hopefully my kids do not have to be on lock-down ever again!!

A Memory for Monday: a vision and a message

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Today I will go into a surreal type of memory.   Josie, one of my alter personalities, went through some sort of psychic training or development. She is the one who saw angels, ghosts, and even demons.   Psychic development is a part of monarch programming. I believe whatever part of the brain where Josie mainly resides gives her a greater ability to connect with or see spirits. Something she worked on was manipulating fire.

One day, while at the old white house where most of the rituals and torture occurred Josie (probably about 19 or so) was laying in the grass staring up at the stars. Josie’s hair was pulled back and she was wearing a tee shirt and jeans just relaxing alone outside when suddenly the stars began to move. They started moving in all directions, like fireworks bursting open. Then, He spoke – God – was talking. The message was:

“I created you to be good”

and

“I could destroy the world this instant”

God showed us that at the moment He decides the world needs to be destroyed, He can simply will the stars to lose their constancy and send them plummeting towards the earth.   Josie saw, this happen as He spoke.   The stars bursting out of their designated places within the universe suddenly moving towards me/her. I was not concerned about survival; rather, was relieved at knowing that God will one day destroy that house.   Understanding this was a vision and not reality, I laid there as I was shown the stars moving full force towards the earths crust, sending the crust into rippling waves outwards from the point of impact and destroying all in its path.

As the vision ended, God’s words remained, “I created you to be good,” and, “I could destroy the world this instant.” It hit through Josie’s heart, struck down all walls that could prevent it from penetrating through multiple dissociative labyrinths. She stood up, and started running towards the white house because the message she received was so strong and so hugely impacting that Josie wanted to share it right away with anyone who would listen. But, that was the problem, knowing nobody in the house would listen to a message like “God created you to be good!” So, she kept this message to herself, until now.

I still believe it is possible for any human being to turn their lives around, hear the word of God and change – no matter how evil they choose to be. I also believe that God’s mercy and love is infinite – greater than we can ever truly comprehend and that He still has the infinite ability to forgive an evil person and help them change regardless of the sin they have contributed to the world. However, it is not something that will happen without prayer and effort from the rest of us.

At the time this happened, Josie was doing everything in her power to gain power over me so that she could have more freedom.   To accomplish this, she chose to make agreements with demons. She made many of these agreements in order to weaken my will and provide greater temptation to grow in vice and fear virtue. Josie (and the rest of my others) were on a path of certain destruction and they didn’t even know it.

God came to Josie during a time when she was making some very bad decisions that would impact my soul as a whole. Josie and the rest of my Others were so separated from the core they never heard of God’s goodness. They never knew to pray, but I did, and I prayed. Often times while I thought I was home but was actually out at that house or out with “friends” in my mind I was saying my evening prayers. So while one half of me was seeking the devil, the other half was seeking God. I believe this was very helpful.

This vision was not the only time God came to intervene. Although, it would have been nice if God stopped the entire thing from the very beginning – I know human free will is the only factor that got in the way of God getting involved.

There was a recurring dream/nightmare that I had as a child of about 4 years old. I used to have night terrors that would drive me to climb into bed with my mom. My dad worked nights, so her bed was open. But the nightmares continued, I was woken from these nightmares and drawn to the bedroom window where I saw the entire world in my sight to be destroyed. There were no houses left, no roads, no trees – it was complete desolation with some fires here and there burning up the remaining bits of our world.   Eventually I gained the courage to turn away from the window and find out who was showing me this. I saw half of my parents’ bedroom filled with a darkness blacker than night and thicker than any shadow. I was confused, kind of scared, but more confused that some demon was showing me this and not an angel. The nightmare ended and I was able to go back to sleep.

So, these experiences do lead me to believe the end is near – although time is relative. If you compare 100 years to 100,000 then a hundred years is like a drop in the bucket. Regardless of that perspective, these experiences remind me how important it is to try to be good because life on this earth does not last forever!

Here is a prayer that I found recently:

I consecrate to God all that is in me: my memory and actions to God the Father; my understanding and my words to God the Son; my will and my thoughts to God the Holy Ghost; my heart, my body, my tongue, my senses and all my sorrows to the sacred Humanity o f Jesus Christ, “who was contented to be betrayed into the hands of wicked men and to suffer the torment of the cross.”

–St. Francis de Sales

Dorothy is home

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I always liked “The Wizard of Oz” with Judy Garland.

And so it was as a with me as well.  I remember my uncle commenting that I must have had some very strange dreams the night before.  The truth was, I didn’t remember a thing.  I had no dreams, no nightmares, no idea whatsoever that anything had happened in the middle of the night.  In fact, waking up in the morning, I thought it was morning – but the truth was I had no concept of time yet and did not realize I slept past lunch time.  That meant I would remain hungry until my parents came to pick us up – even then, it would depend on whether or not we missed dinner as well.  I just remember being so hungry.  My brothers were able to eat though.  Eventually I became protective of my food.  Which then became something my brothers made fun of me for.  They wouldn’t be able to understand why I felt that way about food.  They didn’t go through a single bit of what I did.  They were not chosen.  How fortunate for them!

What I did remember was laying down in bed at my aunt and uncle’s house and going to sleep just about the same time my brothers did in some other part of the house.  Then, my uncle’s CB radio would play the firehouse tones in dissonant combinations followed by someone on the other end of the radio calling out odd numbers and letters.  That combination, although I have been able to do a search on the internet and have found numerous firehouse tones, I have not been able to find the same combination.  Why would I want to anyway?  Maybe just to see what would happen, but I kind of think I was searching for the feeling I had when I heard those tones as a child.  To me, I heard safety and complete relaxation in those tones.  Now, I understand that is all a part of the programming – for me – the core – to feel relaxed and safe while the tones and strange combinations of numbers and letters lulled me to sleep and allowed the call sign for my alter to wake and take over.

Something else that made me feel safe in that bed was a koala bear my uncle had.  This was a hard stuffed animal with leather claws.  My aunt told me that one night (it sounds like) I attacked my uncle with that koala bear and used those claws to scratch him like crazy.  That was the last night I had anything in bed with me for comfort, or protection!  I don’t even remember doing that, but I do remember my aunt (which happens to be my mom’s twin sister) telling me that it happened.

Eventually, those tones wound up recorded and playable by my friends who just so happened to have connections to this group of evil people.  I had one good friend who knew the truth and it scared her.  I scared her.  It destroyed her.  She wound up taking a path of drugs and having sex for drugs.  Things were difficult for her for a while and I blame myself – and the devil too.  I remember she and i had a best friend who i believe now became my handler.  I will refer to him as #1 for now.  He tried to get me to recall the tones on my own and bring out my alter.  I am not sure if it worked or not.  On another occasion my best girl friend and I were shopping when a cop walked up next to us and on his walkee those tones began to play.  My good friend pulled me away when she heard those tones play.  I had begun to feel happy, relaxed, and safe at the start of those tones.

On another occasion, I was babysitting my uncle’s kids.  I fell asleep before he came back home.  He had trouble waking me up.  When I did get up, he appologized for not turning off the cb radio.     ???????

You see, I need to review these events in my mind over and over again because the residual programming always wants to rewrite what I believe.  So, it is vital that I grab hold of the things I do have that I can not argue with in order to show myself and my others inside, “see, it is true and we do need to move forward in healing.”

I am not sure I could ever trust a psychologist with any of this information.  I do see somebody for anxiety and attention deficit disorder which helps manage many of the symptoms of my D.I.D.  I thank God I do have my husband.  My husband has certain gifts which make him extremely empathetic – a very useful gift since I am usually unaware of many emotions.  He will pick up on what I am feeling somewhere inside and it helps all of us.

A Memory for Monday

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Please use caution when reading my post if you are dealing with ptsd or did since reading any posts about my memories may be triggering. Today I mention angels, demon, switching personalities, catholicism

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Connecting the Dots, emotional memory past and present

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For the last week or so things have been so intense emotionally!  We have six daughters, so there is no shortage of emotions in this house!  Plus, we have one on the way – so I am an absolute hormonal wreck!  For the most part the problem is due to pregnancy just intensifying how I feel to an extreme.  So, I decided to go back on Zoloft, which I had all but stopped taking for about 6 months.  However, the pharmacy decided not to fill my prescription!  On the way to my doctor appointment this morning I was going over various thoughts on how to convince the pharmacy or insurance company to fill the stupid meds so I can stop feeling suicidal or at least wishing I was never born.  My doc wrote a new prescription and told me other patients have had similar problems at this pharmacy and he suggested a different place to try.

The last few weeks I have been overwhelmed by the feeling that I just have no impact on the kids.  It doesn’t matter what tactic I use or how I try to pull myself together mentally and remain “calm and assertive” – It just doesn’t seem to phase the kids.  I have been sinking lower and lower every day feeling as though there is no point in trying anymore to form these kids into well behaved children.  They just seem way too strong for my broken mind.  And here I am, overcome by our two and three year old girls.  I become weaker and weaker the more I see how weak I am.

I seem to have no affect on the kids!

Then, usually against my thought train, my husband helps me to see this is more than just parenting strong-willed kids.  I am still remembering what happened 20-30 years ago.  It seems that for me – I relive the emotional effects of the experiences which I have not yet remembered before getting the actual memory.  What I wind up doing is justifying how I feel by using my daily experiences to explain why I am feeling so pointless or angry or whatever.  It can be difficult, because it really is difficult to be experiencing such extreme feelings due to memories bubbling up, or just trying to understand that there really are several different parts of me speaking out, trying to understand and hear what my other’s are saying while trying to raise a family.  There are so many reasons for me to feel like the worst mom in the world – oh the humility of it all.

Regardless of how bad it can get, I still keep holding on…

Usually after asking myself “why” and, “how can God sit back when I am suffering so much” I seem to squeak out a mental prayer.  Hope seems to help calm me down, I think really that is God’s grace giving me strength to keep holding on a little bit longer.
I just keep holding on.

About a year ago or so my husband and I were able to successfully use hypnosis to work on recovering memories and cleaning the mental cobwebs.  However, lately I have not been able to relax and focus enough so we kinda let hypnosis slide for a while.  After another seemingly failed attempt at hypnosis last night with my husband I woke up this morning and understood what had been going on and why I felt so strongly that I could not make any impact on myself or anyone around me.  It is something I have read about other people experiencing, however, even after everything I have remembered already, this had not been a part of the equation until now.  It goes back to the programming/brainwashing the evil people do (I just call the abusers evil people).  They made me watch someone else or some animal get abused and tortured while I was restrained and unable to do anything about what was going on right in front of me.  Then if I had tried to make a move and save or even lessen what was going on that only caused more punishment on top of the abuse or torture.

This has had a major impact on who I am.  I do not believe that I can make a difference in the world, on myself or anything around me unless it is necessary or ordered.  Even then I need another adult to hold my hand through whatever it is that needs to be done.

So, this morning came this understanding: I am not meant to sit back and do nothing in life.  I am meant to make a difference.  It is the Devil’s influence and those evil people who did this to me by their own free will.  They need to STOP the good people in the world from making a positive difference!  I understood more presently that my life is much more than I think it is.  I understood how my intense emotions did not have so much to do with disobedient toddlers as it does have to do with my past.

Until now, I felt like I had kind of hit a brick wall.  Unable to make progress or recover I have been left to sink into my pits of internal hell.  I knew that even though I knew enough to accept or come as far as we have on our yellow brick road, I didn’t know enough to really break out of this person I have become as a result of the programming and evil in my life.  It seems easier for my others/alters to grow, learn, and change, than it is for me.  Being unable to progress had begun to eat away at any hope I had for becoming the person I have seen myself to be in the future.

My fear of success is really a fear of making a change or having a strong positive impact on someone or something.  This means if I move forward from this point I can really make a major difference.  I am excited, but scared.  There is a lot of work to do.  This has been an area where I have been extremely resistant – maybe just not ready for approaching until now.

Finally, some prayers have been answered.  I had to be ready, to reach a certain point or thought process in order to trigger this.  Although I am still very drained emotionally, and still have very depleated levels of hope and faith (charity too – maybe this whole thing is why I could never grow in charity?) there is enough of a spark because this connection was made to be able to become stronger again.

I thank Jesus for sharing His mother with me and being my brother.  Depression can really make it hard to retain hope.  It can be so painful to ask again for God’s help after sinking so low again and again and again.  Somehow things do get better.  Now, I need to remember this for tomorrow!!

Methodical Destruction

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Hypnosis at home, do I really get hypnotized?  I am not sure if I can be truly hypnotized because of how my programming was set up. I was set up to go into a trance when ever the trigger was used.  I know in general of one trigger, although I am unable to remember the full trigger as it was used.  I know there were multiple triggers so that my alters could be brought out with or without access to a cb radio or cd/tape player.  I believe the mind control was used to direct me towards obedience and actions relating mostly to sex, satanic rituals, or torture/pain.  This ability they created (so to speak) caused me to be very focused in one direction based on the method they used to suppress me and bring out the alter of choice.  An alter personality either focused on satanic rituals, or focused on sex – two very different yet very entwined mind states since they both can rely on the other.  I still do not have my entire memory back relating to how the programming was done, however I know it was more than being strapped onto a table and being over stimulated with strobe lights combined with various sounds and smells and feelings.  A big part of the programming relied on the satanists to reinforce what the government wanted from me.  I am not sure if the gov’t had a specific purpose for training my split(s) a certain direction or if they were simply experimenting on certain groups of kids with various familial backgrounds and personalities.  I do know though that a group of adults was needed for some of the programming in order to reinforce and continue the destruction of my identity.

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