Category Archives: Josie

Bits and pieces on my mind about God

Standard

After my last memory post, my husband (who does all the research on my situation) discovered one of the techniques used in mind control or severe manipulation as it relates to the victim’s personal view of God.  To be honest, none of the phrases I can come up with can really give an adequate description of how intense and psychologically torturous mind control really is.  To call it “mind-control” or manipulation, or brainwashing – does not do it justice.  The best thing to call it is Psychological Torture.  Back to the point, one of the focuses is to give the victim a view of God as being someone who can help you, but just chooses not to.  This God, who is supposed to love and save you, threw you into the hands of people who abuse you and refuses to protect you.  They turn God into a person who is one of the abusers.  They force you into a position of having to do something wrong and make you believe that God will not forgive you, twisting bible verses to reinforce their heretical teaching.  Another tool they use is getting somebody from their group and telling you that this person is Jesus.  I believe that is what lead me to stop the ritual I mentioned in the previous memory post.  Part of me was stopping Jesus from being killed.

I know that how the programmers and abusers worked on twisting my view of God was very painful, because as a child I remember before falling asleep at night I would pray and think about how my guardian angel was always there to protect me.  I kept praying to God to please send my parents to pick me up, let me go home.  I believed that my angel would help me, and I never gave up believing that fact.  My others though, they had a rougher time.  Through all the pain and internal conflict, I know God preserved me.  It is because of Him that I am alive today.  It is because of God that I am married to my husband – who just happens to be the absolute most perfect person for me to be married to. I have SO much to be thankful for!

There is so much more that I want to explain, but can’t make the connections and bring forward the information that applies to this subject.  I know the information is there – but access is limited.  What I do know and what I can share is this:  God’s mercy is infinite. The only thing that prevents God from forgiving anybody is the person’s unwillingness to say they are sorry and ask forgiveness!  I also learned that I am not above any sin – given the right circumstances and conditions, I can fall for any temptation.  That is a key to humility and is so necessary as a follower of Christ.  And you know, the more you lean on God to help you through the tough times, the closer you become to God.

My husband and I work together on healing with the use of imagery in the format of hypnosis.  I am unable to become unconscious and remain completely aware during these sessions together – but it still works out well.  My husband guides me downward to a deeper part of my brain the same way a person would during hypnosis.  He guides me to my castle.  (there happens to be a kind of mind control programming called castle programming)  I incorporated God into my castle because that made me feel safe.  In the beginning there was a simple white cross that my alters and I put our suffering on and offered up to God.  Then, after fighting off demons with the help of my guardian angel, I turned one of my reclaimed rooms into a chapel.  My relationship with Jesus was not formed so well, and so I went to Jesus’ mother – the Blessed Virgin Mary and asked for her help.  Eventually I brought a life-sized crucifix into the downstairs living room.  This way, upon entering my castle, I would kneel before the image of Christ and ask for His assistance during this therapy session with my husband.  Eventually, one of my alters converted.  I prayed for my full conversion, and Josie did, Emily is reluctant but has accepted Christ, and Nicky is one I am still working on.  When Josie accepted Jesus, I brought her downstairs where she knelt down before the crucifix and began crying at the feet of Jesus.  As she did this, the statue of Christ on the cross became real!  We had reached the place where God resides within us.  Since then, Jesus has been closer to me than ever before.

At this point, I have another chapel within my castle where my alters and I can go in prayer or during therapy to pray and talk to God.  Recently, Emily was having trouble understanding why God didn’t save her.  Jesus came to her, with his crown of thorns, and his skin torn from the scourging at the pillar, and he knelt down by little Emily, held her, and with more love than I could imagine He expressed how all His cuts are for her.  The thorns in His head, are for her.  Before I was ever born, He knew what would likely happen.  This upset him so much that he bled during His agony in the garden.  It is hard to grasp what this really means, but now Emily knows Jesus is really a loving merciful God.  The thing is, this is true for all of us – not just me, not just you – but every person on Earth!

bloch_christ-and-staff-etching-sm

A Memory for Monday: a vision and a message

Standard

Today I will go into a surreal type of memory.   Josie, one of my alter personalities, went through some sort of psychic training or development. She is the one who saw angels, ghosts, and even demons.   Psychic development is a part of monarch programming. I believe whatever part of the brain where Josie mainly resides gives her a greater ability to connect with or see spirits. Something she worked on was manipulating fire.

One day, while at the old white house where most of the rituals and torture occurred Josie (probably about 19 or so) was laying in the grass staring up at the stars. Josie’s hair was pulled back and she was wearing a tee shirt and jeans just relaxing alone outside when suddenly the stars began to move. They started moving in all directions, like fireworks bursting open. Then, He spoke – God – was talking. The message was:

“I created you to be good”

and

“I could destroy the world this instant”

God showed us that at the moment He decides the world needs to be destroyed, He can simply will the stars to lose their constancy and send them plummeting towards the earth.   Josie saw, this happen as He spoke.   The stars bursting out of their designated places within the universe suddenly moving towards me/her. I was not concerned about survival; rather, was relieved at knowing that God will one day destroy that house.   Understanding this was a vision and not reality, I laid there as I was shown the stars moving full force towards the earths crust, sending the crust into rippling waves outwards from the point of impact and destroying all in its path.

As the vision ended, God’s words remained, “I created you to be good,” and, “I could destroy the world this instant.” It hit through Josie’s heart, struck down all walls that could prevent it from penetrating through multiple dissociative labyrinths. She stood up, and started running towards the white house because the message she received was so strong and so hugely impacting that Josie wanted to share it right away with anyone who would listen. But, that was the problem, knowing nobody in the house would listen to a message like “God created you to be good!” So, she kept this message to herself, until now.

I still believe it is possible for any human being to turn their lives around, hear the word of God and change – no matter how evil they choose to be. I also believe that God’s mercy and love is infinite – greater than we can ever truly comprehend and that He still has the infinite ability to forgive an evil person and help them change regardless of the sin they have contributed to the world. However, it is not something that will happen without prayer and effort from the rest of us.

At the time this happened, Josie was doing everything in her power to gain power over me so that she could have more freedom.   To accomplish this, she chose to make agreements with demons. She made many of these agreements in order to weaken my will and provide greater temptation to grow in vice and fear virtue. Josie (and the rest of my others) were on a path of certain destruction and they didn’t even know it.

God came to Josie during a time when she was making some very bad decisions that would impact my soul as a whole. Josie and the rest of my Others were so separated from the core they never heard of God’s goodness. They never knew to pray, but I did, and I prayed. Often times while I thought I was home but was actually out at that house or out with “friends” in my mind I was saying my evening prayers. So while one half of me was seeking the devil, the other half was seeking God. I believe this was very helpful.

This vision was not the only time God came to intervene. Although, it would have been nice if God stopped the entire thing from the very beginning – I know human free will is the only factor that got in the way of God getting involved.

There was a recurring dream/nightmare that I had as a child of about 4 years old. I used to have night terrors that would drive me to climb into bed with my mom. My dad worked nights, so her bed was open. But the nightmares continued, I was woken from these nightmares and drawn to the bedroom window where I saw the entire world in my sight to be destroyed. There were no houses left, no roads, no trees – it was complete desolation with some fires here and there burning up the remaining bits of our world.   Eventually I gained the courage to turn away from the window and find out who was showing me this. I saw half of my parents’ bedroom filled with a darkness blacker than night and thicker than any shadow. I was confused, kind of scared, but more confused that some demon was showing me this and not an angel. The nightmare ended and I was able to go back to sleep.

So, these experiences do lead me to believe the end is near – although time is relative. If you compare 100 years to 100,000 then a hundred years is like a drop in the bucket. Regardless of that perspective, these experiences remind me how important it is to try to be good because life on this earth does not last forever!

Here is a prayer that I found recently:

I consecrate to God all that is in me: my memory and actions to God the Father; my understanding and my words to God the Son; my will and my thoughts to God the Holy Ghost; my heart, my body, my tongue, my senses and all my sorrows to the sacred Humanity o f Jesus Christ, “who was contented to be betrayed into the hands of wicked men and to suffer the torment of the cross.”

–St. Francis de Sales

Caught in the Middle Between Multiple Personalities (DID) and Marriage

Standard

Internal conflicts… that which hits the at the heart of who my alters are and why they exist; the very reason from what I can tell so far, that one alter split into two and so on.  My husband is an empath and picks up on the deepest parts of my emotions.  He has picked up  on things which for years I would not accept, and now find are true.

Here is what I know of my Others so far:

It started with Emily.  She is my little girl.  She’s about 10, but has the maturity of a 5 or 6 year old.  She faced the initial horrors which brought her into being.  Somehow Nicea came into the mix.  She had a different name to begin with, but (ok, I know this sounds weird but go with it) Jesus brought her up into my awareness out of the pits of my deepest interior hell during one of my hypnosis sessions with my husband.  Jesus renamed her.  I typically refer to her as Nicky.  Nicky holds all of the pain and suffering physically and emotionally that the other girls can not live with.  If Jesus did not show her to me I would have thought she was a demon plaguing me, honestly.  At some point during puberty (I hate the word, ug) Josie was split off.  I believe the reason she was split is due to my body growing and being able to feel enjoyment during sex.  She somehow developed out of Emily’s rejection of and hatred for all sexual enjoyment and anyone involved with the act.  Emily held on to that which made sense to her, while Josie developed in the backround at first.  Josie embodies Emily’s inability to connect with other people and enjoy the world around her.  Josie can act well socially around others and really enjoys sex.

Before Nicky was brought out from the darkness, Emily had a very intellectual and objective personality.  She was very curious and had many questions.  She still has the questions, but since Nicky completes her in a way, the intense emotions of a child who has been traumatized have been restored to Emily’s nature.  Nicky is also the protector of Emily.

In addition to those three major players there are the personality traits.  I like to call them aspects of our personality.  These aspects may be major parts of who I am that have been suppressed as a side effect from the abuse and programming.  The aspects include joy, playfulness, setting goals, and even my sense of justice.  There are many different aspects to our personality.  It is possible the programming directly caused the suppression of many of these aspects – like leadership and goals and justice which would be in direct conflict with the programming.

The major conflict at this point has to do with my marital physical relationship.  My husband has long picked up on Nicky’s hatred for, Emily’s pain from, and Josie’s longing for our physical relationship.  I, personally, am indifferent.  The conflicting emotions from my others leave me wishing the human race didn’t have to reproduce in the manner we do.  I don’t feel that way out of dislike or hatred for the act, but rather out of utter frustration with the act.  I do not orgasm – that’s Josie’s arena.  I don’t loathe the physical nature of humanity – that’s Emily’s arena.  I am caught in the middle.  All I am left with is indifference.  I could take it or leave it.  I don’t mind it, but I don’t see what all the fuss is about.  People act like sex is the be all end all of human existence and I just don’t get it.  (To clarify, technically sex is the reason for human existence but what I mean to point out is how much sex has thoroughly taken over our culture)  Look at all the psychological and physical trauma sex causes!  It even causes trouble when it is used morally within marriage.  I know it can be a holy and very good act, but there is nowhere to be found a clue as to how to turn sex from something abusive, raunchy, or selfish into something loving, beautiful, giving, and even holy.  But what do I know.  If I was to look for an answer to that question my others would keep fighting about it and nobody involved would be helped even if the answer was staring me in the face.

Then there is my wonderful empathic husband.  Because of his empathy and analytical skills my alters and I have come as far as we have.  But, when it comes to marriage, there has been trouble.  Like I mentioned, he picks up on what I am feeling even stronger than I do.  So, while I am feeling fine about touching each other, he picks up on the emotions stirring under the surface which makes the experience very trying on him mentally as well.  It has gotten to the point where Emily and Josie are fighting over control of my body regardless of my awareness.  I, myself, will be ready to be with my husband mentally, but physically my body won’t allow it.  Other times I am mentally not in the mood but Josie will keep pushing me and my body refuses to relax until I get some.  My husband at this point is exceptionally frustrated with the whole thing as am I.

One good thing coming out of this so far is that I am learning how to become stronger in my core.  I must step up and say, I am married and care for my husband!  I love him and WANT to take care of him!  Still, it’s not easy.  In a way, I think my others are kind of relieved to know I am increasing in strength.

Healing and getting stronger is a very exhausting process!

Old Guitar

Standard

This morning my oldest red-head discovered something under my bed.  She had a guitar pic in her hand, and a huge smile on her face.

She said, “Mom, I found something to make music!”

My old guitar is something I always wanted to feel comfortable playing, but couldn’t get around feeling so self conscious about it.  The best way to describe how I felt was incredible excitement combined with an equal amount of fear.  The old guitar is more than twenty years old.  It has a cracked bridge, but other than that it seems to play ok.  Since Red #1 found it, I thought maybe it was time to tune it and practice a few chords.  The tips of my fingers hurt – no more callouses to strengthen the finger tips.

The girls loved listening to the strings make music while I pressed certain chords for them.

I am sure one of my alters can play the guitar better than I can.  Josie is much more comfortable expressing herself. There is some thing preventing me from being comfortable expressing myself.  Playing music connects with a deeper part of myself, the part that says “Let ME do it!” and “I’m better than you.”  It is a part that wants to break past all the walls, and say heck with the rules!

But, I can not allow it.  I don’t know how to allow her to express herself.  I have not figured out how to let my alters out without the use of the trigger.  It seems I am always aware now that I know about them.  I don’t want to let go.  I am scared of my free will being mis-used and abused even though I am around people who are loving and trusting.

A funny thing I remember:  I had these two stickers of the Blessed Virgin Mary and St Michael the Archangel.  I thought it would be neat to put them on my guitar case.  My “BFF” who was also in the “group” persuaded me not to put them on the case.  This particular bff was a guy friend of mine who I believe became my handler.  He played a part in making sure I got to certain appointments or rituals.  I believe Josie, as a part of this group of satanists played guitar on occasion.  So, having the Queen of Heaven and the angel who put the devil in hell on my guitar case probably was something they wouldn’t like.

I laugh at that irony.

Anyhow, maybe I can try letting Josie play a few chords, too.  🙂

Hello, my name is Josie?

Standard

Hello, my name is Josie.  🙂  (One of the alters)  Here I thought I had so much to say!  Anyway, I had a dream last night.  I was looking at a photo album with baby pictures of myself.  There was a picture of a very cute baby girl.  Now that we have access to more memories from the core (Dory) I know – that baby looked nothing like my real baby pictures!  Funny, huh?  It’s just wierd…

I was named for my aunt’s (supposedly my mother) daughter who she gave up for adoption.  The other Josie was actually a year older than I actually am!  They even gave me her birthday!  Since my aunt and real mom are twin sisters, people would mix them up regularly.  That way when someone came up to me/Dory/whoever the heck I was and asked how my mom was doing it didn’t matter who was the front person, because Dory would always say “oh, you must mean my aunt – she is my mom’s twin sister” and they would be like, “oh, tell her I say hi.”  One time somebody made a mistake.  The conversation started the same – “how’s your mom” yada yada. But she went on this time – Oh, I had no idea she has a twin sister.  Then she let out a little more…  “I thought you were adopted by another family in the area, but would still spend time with [the aunt], I thought you knew”

Usually, people would stop talking after they heard our aunt was a twin.  This was interesting anyway.  So, I am not really the real person — How do you like that??  I had friends and a whole social circle of people that I really thought had some sense of loyalty.  No, now I find out they probably were more interested in the novelty of being involved with someone they had the ability to control!  I am reminded of Dory hearing about how everybody loves Josie, not so much her.  That is because she is a good Catholic girl – not the kind of person my friends would typically befriend unless they could turn her.   I have learned they are loyal to the point of something being in it for themselves.

If the people who did this to us could be equated with vampires, then Dory married Van Helsing.  A very loyal and stubborn man!  Ever since getting married we have had no contact with them – and we are happy for it!  I like Dory’s life.  It gets a little lonely without friends – but to be honest I don’t have much in common with anybody.

I don’t feel like a slave to the devil anymore.  Being free spiritually is so much better than being a slave to the devil with many friends.  Without our husband we would still be involved in the rituals and surely the programming would get updated.

From Psalm 30:

Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am afflicted: my eye is troubled with wrath, my soul, and my belly:

[11] For my life is wasted with grief: and my years in sighs. My strength is weakened through poverty and my bones are disturbed. [12] I am become a reproach among all my enemies, and very much to my neighbours; and a fear to my acquaintance. They that saw me without fled from me. [13] I am forgotten as one dead from the heart. I am become as a vessel that is destroyed.[14] For I have heard the blame of many that dwell round about. While they assembled together against me, they consulted to take away my life. [15] But I have put my trust in thee, O Lord: I said: Thou art my God.

[16] My lots are in thy hands. Deliver me out of the hands of my enemies; and from them that persecute me. [17] Make thy face to shine upon thy servant; save me in thy mercy. [18] Let me not be confounded, O Lord, for I have called upon thee. Let the wicked be ashamed, and be brought down to hell. [19] Let deceitful lips be made dumb. Which speak iniquity against the just, with pride and abuse. [20] O how great is the multitude of thy sweetness, O Lord, which thou hast hidden for them that fear thee! Which thou hast wrought for them that hope in thee, in the sight of the sons of men.

http://drbo.org/chapter/21030.htm