I am scared.
There it is. I am scared!
It took nearly ten years to realize the abuse I endured caused me to dissociate. Until my husband and I came to accept this we were homeschooling. However, teaching the kids at home forced me to deal with whatever it was that caused functioning in this life to be so darn difficult. Taking on more responsibility at home meant that I could not spend time escaping from my self. This was when I went to see a neuropsychiatrist who diagnosed me with A.D.D. The medication for ADD enabled my brain to make and keep more connections and ultimately helped me to become able to take a look at myself. Though the memories of sexual abuse had already begun surfacing years before this, the medication helped me take things to another step where I could think about those memories and allow more connections to be made. Previously, the memories were like a ladder missing most of the rungs. I had several ladders with only a few rungs. I was getting nowhere! The meds helped me put more rungs on the ladder so I could actually get somewhere!
Though the medication helped me get through homeschooling for the most part, there were times I was not able to fill the prescriptions. During the unmedicated or less medicated times homeschooling was extremely difficult – like walking backwards on a treadmill. Knowing our kids’ education important we decided to send them to a private school. However, we could not keep sending them to the school that the kids and my husband and I liked so much and wound up sending them to public school.
Every time I thought about sending my kids to public school the fear that somebody is going to do God know’s what to them plagued me. You see, the uncle who sold me to the devil and signed me up for the government’s modern form of slavery also worked for the fire department. When I was in kindergarten it was his job to walk through the school and make sure the building was safe. He would walk through every classroom. When I saw him, I couldn’t help but wave and say “hi!” Eventually everybody started waving and I could hear several classes shout out, “Hi uncle _________!” This happened every few weeks.
I have no memory of abuse occurring at the school, but my uncle is forever tied to school for me.
For two days in a row, for separate reasons, all the area schools were under lock-down. Yesterday there was a different threat than the one today and neither threats were against my kids’ schools, but the school has to take safety measures. Objectively I know my kids are safe. But I mean COME ON!!!
These are the times that make me so thankful to have developed a prayer-life long ago. It was hope that I clung to while sinking into suicidal thoughts as a young girl. It was knowing that God knows all my thoughts and feelings that allowed me to pray without anybody knowing. And, it was my guardian angel that protected me from greater injury when I was hit by a car at 6 years old – I only had a few scrapes and bruises. This is proof of God’s love. This is my proof that He does in fact intervene, even if it is not obvious in an outward visible way. These are experiences that no man can take from me. Just like God sending grace to help me keep going then, He will do the same now.
I just have to make use of His help. I still feel the pressure and fear, but I know that it ends.
Hopefully my kids do not have to be on lock-down ever again!!