Dorothy is home

I always liked “The Wizard of Oz” with Judy Garland.

And so it was as a with me as well.  I remember my uncle commenting that I must have had some very strange dreams the night before.  The truth was, I didn’t remember a thing.  I had no dreams, no nightmares, no idea whatsoever that anything had happened in the middle of the night.  In fact, waking up in the morning, I thought it was morning – but the truth was I had no concept of time yet and did not realize I slept past lunch time.  That meant I would remain hungry until my parents came to pick us up – even then, it would depend on whether or not we missed dinner as well.  I just remember being so hungry.  My brothers were able to eat though.  Eventually I became protective of my food.  Which then became something my brothers made fun of me for.  They wouldn’t be able to understand why I felt that way about food.  They didn’t go through a single bit of what I did.  They were not chosen.  How fortunate for them!

What I did remember was laying down in bed at my aunt and uncle’s house and going to sleep just about the same time my brothers did in some other part of the house.  Then, my uncle’s CB radio would play the firehouse tones in dissonant combinations followed by someone on the other end of the radio calling out odd numbers and letters.  That combination, although I have been able to do a search on the internet and have found numerous firehouse tones, I have not been able to find the same combination.  Why would I want to anyway?  Maybe just to see what would happen, but I kind of think I was searching for the feeling I had when I heard those tones as a child.  To me, I heard safety and complete relaxation in those tones.  Now, I understand that is all a part of the programming – for me – the core – to feel relaxed and safe while the tones and strange combinations of numbers and letters lulled me to sleep and allowed the call sign for my alter to wake and take over.

Something else that made me feel safe in that bed was a koala bear my uncle had.  This was a hard stuffed animal with leather claws.  My aunt told me that one night (it sounds like) I attacked my uncle with that koala bear and used those claws to scratch him like crazy.  That was the last night I had anything in bed with me for comfort, or protection!  I don’t even remember doing that, but I do remember my aunt (which happens to be my mom’s twin sister) telling me that it happened.

Eventually, those tones wound up recorded and playable by my friends who just so happened to have connections to this group of evil people.  I had one good friend who knew the truth and it scared her.  I scared her.  It destroyed her.  She wound up taking a path of drugs and having sex for drugs.  Things were difficult for her for a while and I blame myself – and the devil too.  I remember she and i had a best friend who i believe now became my handler.  I will refer to him as #1 for now.  He tried to get me to recall the tones on my own and bring out my alter.  I am not sure if it worked or not.  On another occasion my best girl friend and I were shopping when a cop walked up next to us and on his walkee those tones began to play.  My good friend pulled me away when she heard those tones play.  I had begun to feel happy, relaxed, and safe at the start of those tones.

On another occasion, I was babysitting my uncle’s kids.  I fell asleep before he came back home.  He had trouble waking me up.  When I did get up, he appologized for not turning off the cb radio.     ???????

You see, I need to review these events in my mind over and over again because the residual programming always wants to rewrite what I believe.  So, it is vital that I grab hold of the things I do have that I can not argue with in order to show myself and my others inside, “see, it is true and we do need to move forward in healing.”

I am not sure I could ever trust a psychologist with any of this information.  I do see somebody for anxiety and attention deficit disorder which helps manage many of the symptoms of my D.I.D.  I thank God I do have my husband.  My husband has certain gifts which make him extremely empathetic – a very useful gift since I am usually unaware of many emotions.  He will pick up on what I am feeling somewhere inside and it helps all of us.

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