Hey, just reveal
what it is
that you feel
you love me
you’ve proved it already
I have felt it
Just tell me
I love you
I need it
I need it
I really need it
Hey, just reveal
what it is
that you feel
you love me
you’ve proved it already
I have felt it
Just tell me
I love you
I need it
I need it
I really need it
Any idea of who I thought I was completely shattered upon the acceptance of a single memory. For years, my husband and I wondered if I was sexually abused as a child. We talked about what I always remembered and discussed certain bedroom behaviors of mine. As far as I knew I lived a completely uneventful and normal life. I believe what solidified this division of my personality was the extreme contrast between lives that I was made to live. One, being the good girl in a catholic family – a good, non abusive family and the other as the slave to the horribly evil torturous people I was exposed to. Sometimes I am still in awe of this extreme contrast I was made to live through. It is hard to bring these existences together.
One thing I have learned is the idea of nature vs. nurture is very well expressed through these experiences. There is the idea of nature – being the personality characteristics and qualities we are born with, and nurture being how our experiences in life and those who shape us (parents, family, friends) affect the person we become. I have learned that one person, if plucked up from their life and placed into another situation completely will be affected in a way they may have never expected. What I really mean to explain is that say you have a person born into a nice life with a good family, not void of pain, but still a decent life; then what if that same person was never born into that good family but was born into an abusive one – well, the two extremes are going to produce different results.
This can transfer to humility and gratefulness. In a way I am thankful God preserved me as in amber and allowed me to split rather than have to deal with trying to understand these extremes as a young girl. So, while I could be angry with God that He allowed me to go through what I did, I am still thankful that part of me was preserved. The humility comes in when I recover a new memory. Usually the memories where I am older cause me feel that moral conflict inside. I am talking about the things that I would never in a million years do, but did anyway because it was not me who did those actions. The humility learned here is that I am not bigger than any sin. If I was plucked up and placed into another situation growing up, those experiences would nurture certain weaknesses or strengths which would in turn directly affect the decisions I would make in life. Josie never learned what I learned about the catholic faith or Christianity at all. Nicky made any and all of her decisions based on the programming that was done and her strengths in holding memories and all the pain (emotional and physical). Emily is the little girl who started out with the most of my hopes and faith that someone would some and save her, but nobody did, and faith and hope suffered.
What these parts of me were taught as well as what they learned through the abuse is going to affect their opinions. Because each of my alters are separate, they do seem to have different personalities. They are each unique because of how they were nurtured. I, as the core or host, may not have been affected directly by their experiences, however, I was affected by their existence within this psychological system. In small ways their experiences, their opinions or personal paradigms bled over into my own thought process.
The second thing I have learned is about sin; its rippling effect as well as forgiveness. This has a similarity to the nature vs. nurture or rather cause and effect. I am not very good at providing adequate examples, but hopefully you can understand what I have learned. It has been said that sin darkens the intellect and weakens the soul. One thing this means is that sin takes away some of the clarity we may have had. We grow further from God. It becomes easier to sin more, and harder to persist in resisting sin. This is seen on a personal and spiritual level, but also on a superficial level we can see how this happens. A pretty blunt example would be child abuse. You have a pedophile and torturer who is only considering satisfying his own urges. This is a person who has given himself over to sin completely and any consideration regarding ever fighting those vices is way too weak to make a difference on its own. Then you have the child this person is hurting. The sin only belongs to the pedophile, but yet the child has to bear the burden of that horror. The child is affected for the rest of his or her life. This makes me think of Christ carrying His cross. He didn’t deserve the torture He went through, but he carried the burden anyway.
You can also think of having a moment of selfishness on the road. Say you are in a rush, trying to get somewhere and wrapped up in your own life. So, what if this mood you are in causes you to cut somebody off or just make someone else angry who is trying to get to their own destination. Maybe, because you were a little bit rude on the road, this person is upset and their demeanor then affects their own life and causes them to be rude to the people they love.
That is the rippling effect of sin. Yes, in the end we are all responsible for our own actions. The rude driver is not necessarily to blame for someone else treating someone they care about badly, but whether the driver realizes it or not, they were somehow involved in the life of a complete stranger.
Then you have forgiveness. What if the stranger who was put in a bad mood by a rude driver decided to forgive that driver? I learned that forgiveness means not letting the sin of another person affect you anymore. If you forgive that rude driver, then you won’t upset people you care about because of your bad mood. In essence you stop the cycle of sin and put an end to the ripples. That is the power of forgiveness.
Let’s apply this idea of forgiveness to childhood trauma. Healing is a process of forgiveness. Here, forgiveness does not mean pretending the horrors of abuse never happened. Neither does it mean that to forgive you have to be comfortable around people who abused you. You do not have to be friends with the abuser who sinned against you. It just wouldn’t be safe. In the interest of safety I refuse to have anything to do with my aunt and uncle who caused my dissociation. But, even though I can not practice forgiveness by showing direct kindness and charity to them, I will practice forgiveness as well as I can through healing and trying to put an end to the many effects their sins have had on me.
Here is a quote I like:
“God could in no wise permit the kind of evil out of which He could not bring good” – St. Augustine (354-430)
I know God is more powerful that the devil. I do not understand why God allows these horrible sins to persist, however, I do know that He is more forgiving than any of us – as long as we acknowledge we need His forgiveness. What I have also learned is that God is relying on us to allow Him to work in the world. As long as we co-operate with His inspirations, as well as forgiving others by healing ourselves, we are allowing God to work through us.
Our healing can be more powerful than we ever imagined!
When the heart mingles
with mind and conscience
emotion confuses me
and it makes no sense.
Desire works both ways
in want and need
to have someone near.
Today I will go into a surreal type of memory. Josie, one of my alter personalities, went through some sort of psychic training or development. She is the one who saw angels, ghosts, and even demons. Psychic development is a part of monarch programming. I believe whatever part of the brain where Josie mainly resides gives her a greater ability to connect with or see spirits. Something she worked on was manipulating fire.
One day, while at the old white house where most of the rituals and torture occurred Josie (probably about 19 or so) was laying in the grass staring up at the stars. Josie’s hair was pulled back and she was wearing a tee shirt and jeans just relaxing alone outside when suddenly the stars began to move. They started moving in all directions, like fireworks bursting open. Then, He spoke – God – was talking. The message was:
“I created you to be good”
“I could destroy the world this instant”
God showed us that at the moment He decides the world needs to be destroyed, He can simply will the stars to lose their constancy and send them plummeting towards the earth. Josie saw, this happen as He spoke. The stars bursting out of their designated places within the universe suddenly moving towards me/her. I was not concerned about survival; rather, was relieved at knowing that God will one day destroy that house. Understanding this was a vision and not reality, I laid there as I was shown the stars moving full force towards the earths crust, sending the crust into rippling waves outwards from the point of impact and destroying all in its path.
As the vision ended, God’s words remained, “I created you to be good,” and, “I could destroy the world this instant.” It hit through Josie’s heart, struck down all walls that could prevent it from penetrating through multiple dissociative labyrinths. She stood up, and started running towards the white house because the message she received was so strong and so hugely impacting that Josie wanted to share it right away with anyone who would listen. But, that was the problem, knowing nobody in the house would listen to a message like “God created you to be good!” So, she kept this message to herself, until now.
I still believe it is possible for any human being to turn their lives around, hear the word of God and change – no matter how evil they choose to be. I also believe that God’s mercy and love is infinite – greater than we can ever truly comprehend and that He still has the infinite ability to forgive an evil person and help them change regardless of the sin they have contributed to the world. However, it is not something that will happen without prayer and effort from the rest of us.
At the time this happened, Josie was doing everything in her power to gain power over me so that she could have more freedom. To accomplish this, she chose to make agreements with demons. She made many of these agreements in order to weaken my will and provide greater temptation to grow in vice and fear virtue. Josie (and the rest of my others) were on a path of certain destruction and they didn’t even know it.
God came to Josie during a time when she was making some very bad decisions that would impact my soul as a whole. Josie and the rest of my Others were so separated from the core they never heard of God’s goodness. They never knew to pray, but I did, and I prayed. Often times while I thought I was home but was actually out at that house or out with “friends” in my mind I was saying my evening prayers. So while one half of me was seeking the devil, the other half was seeking God. I believe this was very helpful.
This vision was not the only time God came to intervene. Although, it would have been nice if God stopped the entire thing from the very beginning – I know human free will is the only factor that got in the way of God getting involved.
There was a recurring dream/nightmare that I had as a child of about 4 years old. I used to have night terrors that would drive me to climb into bed with my mom. My dad worked nights, so her bed was open. But the nightmares continued, I was woken from these nightmares and drawn to the bedroom window where I saw the entire world in my sight to be destroyed. There were no houses left, no roads, no trees – it was complete desolation with some fires here and there burning up the remaining bits of our world. Eventually I gained the courage to turn away from the window and find out who was showing me this. I saw half of my parents’ bedroom filled with a darkness blacker than night and thicker than any shadow. I was confused, kind of scared, but more confused that some demon was showing me this and not an angel. The nightmare ended and I was able to go back to sleep.
So, these experiences do lead me to believe the end is near – although time is relative. If you compare 100 years to 100,000 then a hundred years is like a drop in the bucket. Regardless of that perspective, these experiences remind me how important it is to try to be good because life on this earth does not last forever!
Here is a prayer that I found recently:
I consecrate to God all that is in me: my memory and actions to God the Father; my understanding and my words to God the Son; my will and my thoughts to God the Holy Ghost; my heart, my body, my tongue, my senses and all my sorrows to the sacred Humanity o f Jesus Christ, “who was contented to be betrayed into the hands of wicked men and to suffer the torment of the cross.”
–St. Francis de Sales
Internal conflicts… that which hits the at the heart of who my alters are and why they exist; the very reason from what I can tell so far, that one alter split into two and so on. My husband is an empath and picks up on the deepest parts of my emotions. He has picked up on things which for years I would not accept, and now find are true.
Here is what I know of my Others so far:
It started with Emily. She is my little girl. She’s about 10, but has the maturity of a 5 or 6 year old. She faced the initial horrors which brought her into being. Somehow Nicea came into the mix. She had a different name to begin with, but (ok, I know this sounds weird but go with it) Jesus brought her up into my awareness out of the pits of my deepest interior hell during one of my hypnosis sessions with my husband. Jesus renamed her. I typically refer to her as Nicky. Nicky holds all of the pain and suffering physically and emotionally that the other girls can not live with. If Jesus did not show her to me I would have thought she was a demon plaguing me, honestly. At some point during puberty (I hate the word, ug) Josie was split off. I believe the reason she was split is due to my body growing and being able to feel enjoyment during sex. She somehow developed out of Emily’s rejection of and hatred for all sexual enjoyment and anyone involved with the act. Emily held on to that which made sense to her, while Josie developed in the backround at first. Josie embodies Emily’s inability to connect with other people and enjoy the world around her. Josie can act well socially around others and really enjoys sex.
Before Nicky was brought out from the darkness, Emily had a very intellectual and objective personality. She was very curious and had many questions. She still has the questions, but since Nicky completes her in a way, the intense emotions of a child who has been traumatized have been restored to Emily’s nature. Nicky is also the protector of Emily.
In addition to those three major players there are the personality traits. I like to call them aspects of our personality. These aspects may be major parts of who I am that have been suppressed as a side effect from the abuse and programming. The aspects include joy, playfulness, setting goals, and even my sense of justice. There are many different aspects to our personality. It is possible the programming directly caused the suppression of many of these aspects – like leadership and goals and justice which would be in direct conflict with the programming.
The major conflict at this point has to do with my marital physical relationship. My husband has long picked up on Nicky’s hatred for, Emily’s pain from, and Josie’s longing for our physical relationship. I, personally, am indifferent. The conflicting emotions from my others leave me wishing the human race didn’t have to reproduce in the manner we do. I don’t feel that way out of dislike or hatred for the act, but rather out of utter frustration with the act. I do not orgasm – that’s Josie’s arena. I don’t loathe the physical nature of humanity – that’s Emily’s arena. I am caught in the middle. All I am left with is indifference. I could take it or leave it. I don’t mind it, but I don’t see what all the fuss is about. People act like sex is the be all end all of human existence and I just don’t get it. (To clarify, technically sex is the reason for human existence but what I mean to point out is how much sex has thoroughly taken over our culture) Look at all the psychological and physical trauma sex causes! It even causes trouble when it is used morally within marriage. I know it can be a holy and very good act, but there is nowhere to be found a clue as to how to turn sex from something abusive, raunchy, or selfish into something loving, beautiful, giving, and even holy. But what do I know. If I was to look for an answer to that question my others would keep fighting about it and nobody involved would be helped even if the answer was staring me in the face.
Then there is my wonderful empathic husband. Because of his empathy and analytical skills my alters and I have come as far as we have. But, when it comes to marriage, there has been trouble. Like I mentioned, he picks up on what I am feeling even stronger than I do. So, while I am feeling fine about touching each other, he picks up on the emotions stirring under the surface which makes the experience very trying on him mentally as well. It has gotten to the point where Emily and Josie are fighting over control of my body regardless of my awareness. I, myself, will be ready to be with my husband mentally, but physically my body won’t allow it. Other times I am mentally not in the mood but Josie will keep pushing me and my body refuses to relax until I get some. My husband at this point is exceptionally frustrated with the whole thing as am I.
One good thing coming out of this so far is that I am learning how to become stronger in my core. I must step up and say, I am married and care for my husband! I love him and WANT to take care of him! Still, it’s not easy. In a way, I think my others are kind of relieved to know I am increasing in strength.
Healing and getting stronger is a very exhausting process!
Hear the stories
That make it clear
I’m not the one
You hold so dear
My life is that
Of one complex
So wait until
You hear the facts
I always liked “The Wizard of Oz” with Judy Garland.
And so it was as a with me as well. I remember my uncle commenting that I must have had some very strange dreams the night before. The truth was, I didn’t remember a thing. I had no dreams, no nightmares, no idea whatsoever that anything had happened in the middle of the night. In fact, waking up in the morning, I thought it was morning – but the truth was I had no concept of time yet and did not realize I slept past lunch time. That meant I would remain hungry until my parents came to pick us up – even then, it would depend on whether or not we missed dinner as well. I just remember being so hungry. My brothers were able to eat though. Eventually I became protective of my food. Which then became something my brothers made fun of me for. They wouldn’t be able to understand why I felt that way about food. They didn’t go through a single bit of what I did. They were not chosen. How fortunate for them!
What I did remember was laying down in bed at my aunt and uncle’s house and going to sleep just about the same time my brothers did in some other part of the house. Then, my uncle’s CB radio would play the firehouse tones in dissonant combinations followed by someone on the other end of the radio calling out odd numbers and letters. That combination, although I have been able to do a search on the internet and have found numerous firehouse tones, I have not been able to find the same combination. Why would I want to anyway? Maybe just to see what would happen, but I kind of think I was searching for the feeling I had when I heard those tones as a child. To me, I heard safety and complete relaxation in those tones. Now, I understand that is all a part of the programming – for me – the core – to feel relaxed and safe while the tones and strange combinations of numbers and letters lulled me to sleep and allowed the call sign for my alter to wake and take over.
Something else that made me feel safe in that bed was a koala bear my uncle had. This was a hard stuffed animal with leather claws. My aunt told me that one night (it sounds like) I attacked my uncle with that koala bear and used those claws to scratch him like crazy. That was the last night I had anything in bed with me for comfort, or protection! I don’t even remember doing that, but I do remember my aunt (which happens to be my mom’s twin sister) telling me that it happened.
Eventually, those tones wound up recorded and playable by my friends who just so happened to have connections to this group of evil people. I had one good friend who knew the truth and it scared her. I scared her. It destroyed her. She wound up taking a path of drugs and having sex for drugs. Things were difficult for her for a while and I blame myself – and the devil too. I remember she and i had a best friend who i believe now became my handler. I will refer to him as #1 for now. He tried to get me to recall the tones on my own and bring out my alter. I am not sure if it worked or not. On another occasion my best girl friend and I were shopping when a cop walked up next to us and on his walkee those tones began to play. My good friend pulled me away when she heard those tones play. I had begun to feel happy, relaxed, and safe at the start of those tones.
On another occasion, I was babysitting my uncle’s kids. I fell asleep before he came back home. He had trouble waking me up. When I did get up, he appologized for not turning off the cb radio. ???????
You see, I need to review these events in my mind over and over again because the residual programming always wants to rewrite what I believe. So, it is vital that I grab hold of the things I do have that I can not argue with in order to show myself and my others inside, “see, it is true and we do need to move forward in healing.”
I am not sure I could ever trust a psychologist with any of this information. I do see somebody for anxiety and attention deficit disorder which helps manage many of the symptoms of my D.I.D. I thank God I do have my husband. My husband has certain gifts which make him extremely empathetic – a very useful gift since I am usually unaware of many emotions. He will pick up on what I am feeling somewhere inside and it helps all of us.
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Catholicism is the law of life . . . THE SOLUTION OF ALL PROBLEMS . . . everything that departs from it one iota is disorder, deception and error. - Juan Donoso Cortes, Marquis of Valdegamas
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My Broken Journey
WITHIN ARE PIECES OF ME
A personal perspective on living with Dissociative identity disorder
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