#24

I fear the love is not very clear

If you want to keep me near

Listen to my emotions the most

Hear out what I have to say

Watch my eyes and arms and head

If you cut me off instead

My heart will start to turn away

We want to love, not suffer

So why not open ourselves together

Watch the temper

I can only take so much

’cause your attitude stings

and makes me blind

My skin starts to soften

It sinks to my mind

Don’t take me to that compact place

Where sadness is always ruled by rage

And the face of insanity

Looks at us with grace.

————————————————————————

Here is my current explanation of this poem which I wrote over 15 years ago and before any thought of abuse or D.I.D. entered my consciousness:

I fear the love is not very clear

This expresses the confusion I felt at wanting to love

If you want to keep me near

Listen to my emotions the most

Hear out what I have to say

Watch my eyes and arms and head

If you cut me off instead

My heart will start to turn away

We want to love, not suffer

So why not open ourselves together

This is how my Others or alters tried to tell me they want to be a part of my life, they wanted to experience what I experienced and to not be so cut off.  As if they were saying “Just pay a little more attention to how you act and what you feel, we are here!”  It is not only myself they are speaking to, but everyone around I knew as well.

Watch the temper

I can only take so much

’cause your attitude stings

and makes me blind

My skin starts to soften

It sinks to my mind

Strong anger, or any strong negative emotion triggers dissociation.  The emotions make me blind (dissociation), causing me to become more vulnerable (skin softens and sinks within for protection).

Don’t take me to that compact place

Where sadness is always ruled by rage

And the face of insanity

Looks at us with grace.

This is an expression of the inner hell where my others stayed.

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