Monthly Archives: March 2015

#24

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I fear the love is not very clear

If you want to keep me near

Listen to my emotions the most

Hear out what I have to say

Watch my eyes and arms and head

If you cut me off instead

My heart will start to turn away

We want to love, not suffer

So why not open ourselves together

Watch the temper

I can only take so much

’cause your attitude stings

and makes me blind

My skin starts to soften

It sinks to my mind

Don’t take me to that compact place

Where sadness is always ruled by rage

And the face of insanity

Looks at us with grace.

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Here is my current explanation of this poem which I wrote over 15 years ago and before any thought of abuse or D.I.D. entered my consciousness:

I fear the love is not very clear

This expresses the confusion I felt at wanting to love

If you want to keep me near

Listen to my emotions the most

Hear out what I have to say

Watch my eyes and arms and head

If you cut me off instead

My heart will start to turn away

We want to love, not suffer

So why not open ourselves together

This is how my Others or alters tried to tell me they want to be a part of my life, they wanted to experience what I experienced and to not be so cut off.  As if they were saying “Just pay a little more attention to how you act and what you feel, we are here!”  It is not only myself they are speaking to, but everyone around I knew as well.

Watch the temper

I can only take so much

’cause your attitude stings

and makes me blind

My skin starts to soften

It sinks to my mind

Strong anger, or any strong negative emotion triggers dissociation.  The emotions make me blind (dissociation), causing me to become more vulnerable (skin softens and sinks within for protection).

Don’t take me to that compact place

Where sadness is always ruled by rage

And the face of insanity

Looks at us with grace.

This is an expression of the inner hell where my others stayed.

#19

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I am the girl who nobody hears

I am the girl who everyone fears

I am the girl who takes what she can get

I am the girl who looks the most innocent

I am the girl who stands on the beach

I am the girl who has no one to reach

I am the girl who loves the torment

I am the girl who hates the regret

I am the girl who stands in one place

I am the girl who tries to hide her face

A Memory for Monday

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Please use caution when reading my post if you are dealing with ptsd or did since reading any posts about my memories may be triggering. Today I mention angels, demon, switching personalities, catholicism

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Read the rest of this entry

#12

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The secrets of the unexplained

penetrate into my brain

Causing me to explore

That which I do implore

As I lie in my bed tonight

Asking for help true despite

That of the past which is not right

Faith finds a way for me to feel

Hope in my future, and in love

This keeps me afloat

Just as God above.

1999