This morning my oldest red-head discovered something under my bed. She had a guitar pic in her hand, and a huge smile on her face.
She said, “Mom, I found something to make music!”
My old guitar is something I always wanted to feel comfortable playing, but couldn’t get around feeling so self conscious about it. The best way to describe how I felt was incredible excitement combined with an equal amount of fear. The old guitar is more than twenty years old. It has a cracked bridge, but other than that it seems to play ok. Since Red #1 found it, I thought maybe it was time to tune it and practice a few chords. The tips of my fingers hurt – no more callouses to strengthen the finger tips.
The girls loved listening to the strings make music while I pressed certain chords for them.
I am sure one of my alters can play the guitar better than I can. Josie is much more comfortable expressing herself. There is some thing preventing me from being comfortable expressing myself. Playing music connects with a deeper part of myself, the part that says “Let ME do it!” and “I’m better than you.” It is a part that wants to break past all the walls, and say heck with the rules!
But, I can not allow it. I don’t know how to allow her to express herself. I have not figured out how to let my alters out without the use of the trigger. It seems I am always aware now that I know about them. I don’t want to let go. I am scared of my free will being mis-used and abused even though I am around people who are loving and trusting.
A funny thing I remember: I had these two stickers of the Blessed Virgin Mary and St Michael the Archangel. I thought it would be neat to put them on my guitar case. My “BFF” who was also in the “group” persuaded me not to put them on the case. This particular bff was a guy friend of mine who I believe became my handler. He played a part in making sure I got to certain appointments or rituals. I believe Josie, as a part of this group of satanists played guitar on occasion. So, having the Queen of Heaven and the angel who put the devil in hell on my guitar case probably was something they wouldn’t like.
I laugh at that irony.
Anyhow, maybe I can try letting Josie play a few chords, too. 🙂