For the last week or so things have been so intense emotionally! We have six daughters, so there is no shortage of emotions in this house! Plus, we have one on the way – so I am an absolute hormonal wreck! For the most part the problem is due to pregnancy just intensifying how I feel to an extreme. So, I decided to go back on Zoloft, which I had all but stopped taking for about 6 months. However, the pharmacy decided not to fill my prescription! On the way to my doctor appointment this morning I was going over various thoughts on how to convince the pharmacy or insurance company to fill the stupid meds so I can stop feeling suicidal or at least wishing I was never born. My doc wrote a new prescription and told me other patients have had similar problems at this pharmacy and he suggested a different place to try.
The last few weeks I have been overwhelmed by the feeling that I just have no impact on the kids. It doesn’t matter what tactic I use or how I try to pull myself together mentally and remain “calm and assertive” – It just doesn’t seem to phase the kids. I have been sinking lower and lower every day feeling as though there is no point in trying anymore to form these kids into well behaved children. They just seem way too strong for my broken mind. And here I am, overcome by our two and three year old girls. I become weaker and weaker the more I see how weak I am.
I seem to have no affect on the kids!
Then, usually against my thought train, my husband helps me to see this is more than just parenting strong-willed kids. I am still remembering what happened 20-30 years ago. It seems that for me – I relive the emotional effects of the experiences which I have not yet remembered before getting the actual memory. What I wind up doing is justifying how I feel by using my daily experiences to explain why I am feeling so pointless or angry or whatever. It can be difficult, because it really is difficult to be experiencing such extreme feelings due to memories bubbling up, or just trying to understand that there really are several different parts of me speaking out, trying to understand and hear what my other’s are saying while trying to raise a family. There are so many reasons for me to feel like the worst mom in the world – oh the humility of it all.
Regardless of how bad it can get, I still keep holding on…
Usually after asking myself “why” and, “how can God sit back when I am suffering so much” I seem to squeak out a mental prayer. Hope seems to help calm me down, I think really that is God’s grace giving me strength to keep holding on a little bit longer.
I just keep holding on.
About a year ago or so my husband and I were able to successfully use hypnosis to work on recovering memories and cleaning the mental cobwebs. However, lately I have not been able to relax and focus enough so we kinda let hypnosis slide for a while. After another seemingly failed attempt at hypnosis last night with my husband I woke up this morning and understood what had been going on and why I felt so strongly that I could not make any impact on myself or anyone around me. It is something I have read about other people experiencing, however, even after everything I have remembered already, this had not been a part of the equation until now. It goes back to the programming/brainwashing the evil people do (I just call the abusers evil people). They made me watch someone else or some animal get abused and tortured while I was restrained and unable to do anything about what was going on right in front of me. Then if I had tried to make a move and save or even lessen what was going on that only caused more punishment on top of the abuse or torture.
This has had a major impact on who I am. I do not believe that I can make a difference in the world, on myself or anything around me unless it is necessary or ordered. Even then I need another adult to hold my hand through whatever it is that needs to be done.
So, this morning came this understanding: I am not meant to sit back and do nothing in life. I am meant to make a difference. It is the Devil’s influence and those evil people who did this to me by their own free will. They need to STOP the good people in the world from making a positive difference! I understood more presently that my life is much more than I think it is. I understood how my intense emotions did not have so much to do with disobedient toddlers as it does have to do with my past.
Until now, I felt like I had kind of hit a brick wall. Unable to make progress or recover I have been left to sink into my pits of internal hell. I knew that even though I knew enough to accept or come as far as we have on our yellow brick road, I didn’t know enough to really break out of this person I have become as a result of the programming and evil in my life. It seems easier for my others/alters to grow, learn, and change, than it is for me. Being unable to progress had begun to eat away at any hope I had for becoming the person I have seen myself to be in the future.
My fear of success is really a fear of making a change or having a strong positive impact on someone or something. This means if I move forward from this point I can really make a major difference. I am excited, but scared. There is a lot of work to do. This has been an area where I have been extremely resistant – maybe just not ready for approaching until now.
Finally, some prayers have been answered. I had to be ready, to reach a certain point or thought process in order to trigger this. Although I am still very drained emotionally, and still have very depleated levels of hope and faith (charity too – maybe this whole thing is why I could never grow in charity?) there is enough of a spark because this connection was made to be able to become stronger again.
I thank Jesus for sharing His mother with me and being my brother. Depression can really make it hard to retain hope. It can be so painful to ask again for God’s help after sinking so low again and again and again. Somehow things do get better. Now, I need to remember this for tomorrow!!