If “A” is true, then isn’t “B” true?

Here is more of the story.  I don’t feel safe talking about this to anybody I know, other than my husband, and that is why I am anonymously online disclosing whatever it is that I can figure out.  There is a need to “report” – a mechanism that I destroyed within me although the need to heal through talking is still active and necessary I think for any human being.  The difference which frees me today is that I am not compelled to talk to my aunt and uncle about strange occurrences which I see now directly relate to the actions and life of my alters.  I have the ability to talk to anybody I want to, although prudence leads me to stay silent (except for my blog). Okay, actually, I still am missing a lot of pieces…

One of my happiest memories as a child was my dad telling me that I could be anything I wanted to be.  He gave me hope and showed me the doors to becoming whoever I wanted to be.  My dad and mom were married as teenagers.  They had to take whatever job they could get in order to pay the rent for the house my uncle bought for them.  We lived in a nice middle class neighborhood in a decent school district.  Beyond our neighborhood was a large farm.  The kids would cross over the creek, building make-shift bridges would start a marvelous adventure.  Then they would trek across the large corn-field, but when they saw the farmhouse they had to be careful because the farmer there would fire his rifle at the kids (as far as I know, nobody was ever injured during their adventures).  Just beyond the farmhouse, at the other end of the corn-field was the *oh-so-awesome* *SECRET* military base with nuclear missals pointed at the USSR during the cold-war.  Of course, this wasn’t much of a secret since all of the kids in the area knew where it was.  The kids would come back talking about how they saw vehicles coming and going, it was surrounded by a barbed wire fence, it was guarded by men with M16’s.  Of course my brothers NEVER let me go with them!  Finally, when I was in junior high a friend of mine and I walked out there – and my curiosity was satisfied.

So, At this point in my life as I put puzzle pieces back together, it just seems very coincidental that this place existed during a time when I know now that I was undergoing mind-control training.

Let me get to joining the army…

I have dissociative identity disorder.  Really, as a wife and mother who actually home-schooled for a few years – this is absolutely the LAST thing I would EVER want to discover about myself.  But in the interest of being the best woman I can be – which includes being a wonderful wife and of course being the best mother for these children – I realize, even though the truth will hurt, it is necessary.  Anyway, I no longer home-school.

Why is it so darn hard to get this out?????  Ug this is irritating!  I can talk about anything other than being in the army – but I hardly remember anything anyway!!!  Argh.  Ok, I am going to try again…

July 9, 2000 I woke up around noon and decided to join the army.  I had been going to community college for a few years, but for the life of me could not make a decision as to what direction to take in school.  I had it narrowed down to either graphic design, music, or environmental science.  July 9th, I called up the recruiter and went down to talk to them.  Two weeks later I started testing at the MEPS station.  I never did tremendously well in school, only had a “C” average, but in the military testing I scored about 125 for the iq equivalent.  Not bad, it was a good enough score to hopefully have my choice in occupations.  When I talked to the person who helped you choose an MOS (career) I was told there was only one option for me – I had to go into military intelligence.  She was firm that I could only go into military intelligence!  Well, I am a stubborn and strong willed person in spite of what’s happened to me and knew that wasn’t for me.  The way I saw it – I would be restricted to not being able to talk about my job or training to anyone, and I just wasn’t sure I could do that.  After all, I occasionally felt this compulsion to talk about certain things to certain people. Finally, I told her that I would just come back another day.  Then, the soldier got up and went to talk to somebody.  When she came back, she checked her computer and whaddya know – there was another job available!  The soldier helping me choose and MOS finally offered me another option, 91C LPN.   I started to cry – I had never cried before (since I was a small child) and couldn’t figure out where that was coming from. I was told that I would have to leave in two weeks for basic training.

I went to the bathroom and cried some more.  I went back to her office and accepted.

Basic training was as crazy as I expected it to be – drill sergeants screaming at you and all sorts of stuff.  Starting basic though took more than a month.  We took a week for in-processing and then a month went by before we started training.  Everybody in the group I processed with either went into military police or intelligence.  Only two other people in my company went into a different mos.  So, during the month of waiting I only have one memory of sitting in a classroom for an entire day during 105 degree Missouri weather.  I have that same memory on a loop in my head for 3 – 4 weeks.  What I have discovered is that often times, when I remember doing the same thing over and over again day after day – that is in fact a False Memory.  What really happened was that one memory did happen for a day or two, but then because I was missing time while my alter was fronting I had to come up with a way in my own head that I was spending the time!  I still had no idea that I had another personality.  I have no idea what was really going on during that memory loop which occurred before beginning basic training.

The second strange occurrence was when I was told head drill sergeant wanted to see me.  There was a rule, always go places with your battle-buddy.  We were never allowed to be alone.  When I went into his office, he asked me why I wasn’t alone.  I wasn’t allowed to be alone, he knew this so why would he think I would go to his office alone?  He was the head drill sergeant after all.  Next, he offered me another opportunity to go into military intelligence.  Why would the army want me in military intelligence?  It’s not like I’m super-woman with excellent covert skills who could lie to her mother or anything like that!  In fact, I am so honest that I can hardly lie at all!  And then the other question lies in that during basic training, I was offered the opportunity to switch my mos.  That does NOT happen, fyi!!  If you want to attempt to switch mos after in-processing it takes a ton of paper work and waiting.  The military does not do anything quickly, but yet, he wanted me to go on to military intelligence training with the other people in our company.

So, there ya go –

I have no proof of anything ever happening in my life, so all of this is really just the ramblings of a crazy woman.  I understand that even though I believe what I remember to be true, it is still possible that I could be wrong about some things.

Only one more story about my experience in the army.

After basic training I was sent to Ft. Sam Houston, Texas.  This was right outside of San Antonio – I was there on vacation as a kid and looked forward to going there again.  The only thing I remember about my vacation as a kid was swimming at the hotel pool, although I was told that I went to a restaurant with a Wizard of Oz theme (but I don’t remember it at all).  I finished combat medic training well, and then had to wait a few months for nurses training to begin.  During my first week of anatomy and physiology I went to the nurse.  My cycle was late.

I acted promiscuously when I was in the army.  That can be a side effect of the internal conflict when you have multiple personalities.  Anyway, I am humiliated by my behavior during that time in my life.  So, I went to the nurse because I wanted to take birth control pills.  I am a very traditional religious person, so to me, taking that step was a sign that I was headed in the way wrong direction and was spinning out of control.  The nurse gave me a couple tests and a prescription for bc pills and another kind of pills.  The other pills were supposed to bring on my cycle.  The nurse told me only to take the pills if I did NOT hear from her by the end of the day.  I didn’t hear from her, but I procrastinate often enough so I didn’t take the pill either.

The girl I roomed with during my secondary mos training saw the pills on my dresser.  She recognized them and became very upset.  She started crying and crying to me about her three abortions.  She said the pill I was given was actually a pill to induce an abortion.  She told me about her life before going into the army.  She was involved in an abusive relationship and her boyfriend forced her into having an abortion three times.  She tearfully expressed her love for the babies she lost and her belief that they are in heaven looking down on her.  I felt terrible for her.

The next day, at the end of the day, I found out I was in fact pregnant!

I knew my life was over.  The only thing I ever felt right about in my life was about to be taken away.  What was I going to do?

I had three options.  1) Have an abortion (really not an option for me) 2) Give the baby up for adoption, or 3) have the baby and go home.

I decided on option 3.  My parents were upset I am sure, but they are very pro-life and so they supported my decision.  The lieutenant in charge of the classes expressed how she was very upset by this.  I actually was getting great scores in class and was sure I would do great.  Oh well, I went home.  I really wanted to pursue my career, but morally I had a decision to make.

I was discharged honorably on June 1, 2001.  On 9/11 I was home, watching tv when the twin towers were hit.  I couldn’t believe it.  I was set to go to Ft. Stewart after my nurses training was complete.  Ft. Stewart was the first army post to be sent overseas.  I honestly felt like God allowed me to become pregnant to save me from having to go to war.

My first daughter was born on Halloween.  I never felt such pure love in my life!  In an instant, I didn’t worry about the future I had lost because I was holding a new one in my arms!  She was beautiful, and perfect.  If not for her I would never have been saved!  My happiness would not last.  She died from heart defects when she was one month old.

Losing her only cemented how much I wanted to be a mother again.  I thought the military was my perfect career fit, but I learned that being a mom is my true calling in life!

So, back to my point – there is nothing here that can prove anything.  However, after what I have begun to remember the circumstances lead me to ask more questions.

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