Hypnosis at home, do I really get hypnotized? I am not sure if I can be truly hypnotized because of how my programming was set up. I was set up to go into a trance when ever the trigger was used. I know in general of one trigger, although I am unable to remember the full trigger as it was used. I know there were multiple triggers so that my alters could be brought out with or without access to a cb radio or cd/tape player. I believe the mind control was used to direct me towards obedience and actions relating mostly to sex, satanic rituals, or torture/pain. This ability they created (so to speak) caused me to be very focused in one direction based on the method they used to suppress me and bring out the alter of choice. An alter personality either focused on satanic rituals, or focused on sex – two very different yet very entwined mind states since they both can rely on the other. I still do not have my entire memory back relating to how the programming was done, however I know it was more than being strapped onto a table and being over stimulated with strobe lights combined with various sounds and smells and feelings. A big part of the programming relied on the satanists to reinforce what the government wanted from me. I am not sure if the gov’t had a specific purpose for training my split(s) a certain direction or if they were simply experimenting on certain groups of kids with various familial backgrounds and personalities. I do know though that a group of adults was needed for some of the programming in order to reinforce and continue the destruction of my identity.
Memory: I was at a party of sorts. There were only men around, I was the only child and the only female. I as at a house. The kitchen was a light color. I remember that because the living room was so dark from the wood paneling. I felt so alone, but wasn’t sure who I was there with. I stayed quiet for a long time, but eventually the loneliness motivated me to look for somebody I knew. I asked where my uncle was. Nobody could say. I asked for my dad, I said I wanted to go home, but nobody could help. Finally, my uncle appeared again. He acted like he didn’t know me.
He wasn’t taking me home. The men started asking me for things, but I couldn’t understand what they were asking for.
A game started.
This was about pens. There was no obvious abuse here. This was only a game about pens. A man sitting in a chair asked me to get him a pen. I didn’t see one anywhere. He told me to look on that table (an end table). But, there was NO pen! I told him that I didn’t see any pens. He told me to look harder, but I had to look harder on or around the table. I couldn’t find it. Whatever this pen was that he was looking for was nowhere to be found. He insisted that the pen was there and I had to find it. I kept going back to him, saying to him that I couldn’t find a pen. He saw me looking for a pen on and around the end table – it was only a few feet in front of him. He kept insisting that I look for a pen. Then something happened. He kept telling me that he could see a whole pile of pens on that table. He wasn’t going to leave me alone about the darn pens! So, I handed him a pen – or I pretended to. I picked up an invisible pen and gave it to the man. He took the invisible pen and told me to get another one. I gave him another invisible pen. He kept asking me to hand him these pens that didn’t exist, and I had no choice but to keep giving him these pens that weren’t really there.
As well as playing games with pens, the idea was reinforced that I had no family. I was like a wandering orphan. I had no parents, no brothers, nobody who loved me. I remember looking up at a family picture hanging on the wall at the house we were in thinking about the mom and the dad and the kids in the picture and how happy they looked in their family. I remember feeling a comparison somewhere inside between my family and the family I saw in the picture. It took a while, but eventually as I kept asking about my family they broke down within me any idea I had about who my real family was. This was reinforced every time they triggered me. In fact, the trigger was reinforced every time it was used and followed by this extreme change in who I was and where I came from. My uncle and his peers all were in on this and all reinforced this creation of the identity which was so different from my real reality.
This was vital because what they did with the invisible pens was get me to doubt my own judgement of reality. If I couldn’t trust what I could see/hear/touch/taste/smell was in fact reality, then they could mold the reality that I did believe. Destruction of my reality caused my thought process to slow down quite a bit. If I couldn’t trust my own sight or perception of events, then how could I possibly think about what I saw or perceived? I could no longer think about what made sense or what I didn’t like because this whole method of obedience training which went against all I could sense was done repeatedly during the first phase which I would guess lasted several years.
They had to destroy the connection that existed with my core self and my real family. They had to make my alter believe nobody else existed – to keep her from running for one thing. My family bond was a danger because my family in general is good and believing somebody could save me meant that I would not give over to their mental training. This was a key factor in manipulating the way I saw myself. My view that I came from somewhere had to be destroyed. All of the natural building blocks of self were dismantled
The interesting thing is that now that I am an adult – even somewhat during my teenage years – I became fairly stubborn about certain things, like my religious beliefs. In fact, anything that related to my alters became something I was very much against and distanced myself from.
As far as hypnosis goes, discovering that I really did not have control over much of my life – mainly, my own CONSCIOUSNESS AND FREE WILL, I still am not comfortable “leaving the building” if I can avoid it. I am going to be aware of as much as I possibly can. I am not going to lie to myself and create alternate realities where I am living in a loop, doing the same thing every night. If I can have a say I am going to be completely aware. So, I have not been able to go away during hypnosis to the point that I do not remember what is going on or even believe something is going on other than what is really happening. I am aware but away from some of the tension. So, when my husband and I do hypnosis it’s team work. I am completely in control. Maybe it’s not totally hypnosis, but it’s close enough to get the job done.
Although, I have learned to let go of my self for the sake of my alters being able to experience the change in life. We are a wife, and a mother with very much love in our life. My alters never knew a nice mom and dad, and even though my mom and I had a rough go of it when I was a teenager my life as it exists is a lot better than what they (alters) were exposed to.
I want to keep going but this is a good stopping point. I will save the rest for another entry.
God Bless you.