In a sense, the division of my personality into separate parts is more like the broken pieces of my heart. Left to heal on their own, there has been no shortage of scar tissue. This scar tissue, so to speak, became more like walls that separated each part. Each broken piece of my heart became self sufficient on its own. Some parts had been able to communicate with each other. My piece of the heart, however, had no communication or knowledge of any other bits. Maybe my heart was smaller or less capable than the hearts of others, but it was my heart and I would make the best of it.
Everyone has a personality with so many layers and qualities. We are each born with so much potential to grow any direction life takes us, in any direction we choose. Just look at the people in the world – so many different people, each with a different personality and a different path through life. My heart, or my personality, was broken when I was 4 years old. It was broken so badly that it couldn’t be repaired. Instead, it scarred over leaving the remainder nearly unusable by myself, the core. We are what we were born with by nature, and transformed through life by those we love and the world around us – nurture. Someone could be born with a personality that gives him or her the ability to socialize well with anybody, yet life experience may retard the development of that quality even leaving a person to feel shy. Someone like myself, with dissociative identity disorder has a very unique gift in a way. I get to learn about the full personality I was born with through finding the broken pieces of my heart. I am still learning about my other parts.
As for the other side of my broken heart, that side broke a little further after the initial trauma. At first I simply referred to my split personality as “MJ” because after trying to learn the name of my alter(s) I kept getting different names, but the letters “M” and “J” kept coming up. Finally, I learned that “M” is the beginning of the name of one of the broken pieces of my heart. “J” is the first letter in the name of another broken piece of my heart. Recently, I learned of another part whose name begins with “N”. I am not sure if there are any more pieces of my heart/personality yet to discover. “M” is more intellectual and has to make sense of things. “J” is very social and comfortable around people. “N” resided within my internal hell and is very bitter, but she does not have to stay that way forever.
We also have my part, the core or host, which grew up according to my placement in life. Then there is the other side of my broken heart, which was not allowed to enjoy the positive aspects of my real life. I had a decent and enjoyable upbringing. It certainly was not without pain – because half of my heart had been taken away I was left to deal with life without all of the qualities God gave to me upon His creation of me. This left me, well, emotionally disabled and less capable of recovering from the typical pains of growing up. However, I had the benefit of a catholic upbringing, which gave me the tools to handle suffering. The other half of my heart grew up without any real knowledge of God’s goodness. The other parts of my personality grew up literally in cages with physical and emotional torture and spiritual pain as well. My other half grew up as the tortured satanic sacrifice.
Here is an example: One of my memories involves being treated in various ways like a pig. The man who at this point initiated most of the abuse had among other things made me repeat, “I will always be the sacrifice.” For a long time I could not communicate with any of my others, I had no knowledge of them. Now, with all the work that has been done over the past year I can identify when another personality is triggered or activated by what is happening around me. “N” is still wildly angry with God, but as I looked at the crucifix during the consecration, I understood in my heart that Jesus, too, will always be the sacrifice. And, understood that He is okay with that! Making that connection did something good inside.
Every time I get to know another one of the pieces of my broken heart, I must pray for them and myself as a whole. I ask for God’s help in converting them. These are parts of my personality that madly reject(ed) God. I desire to love God with my whole mind and my whole heart and my whole soul.
Happy New Year!