Here is more of the story. I don’t feel safe talking about this to anybody I know, other than my husband, and that is why I am anonymously online disclosing whatever it is that I can figure out. There is a need to “report” – a mechanism that I destroyed within me although the need to heal through talking is still active and necessary I think for any human being. The difference which frees me today is that I am not compelled to talk to my aunt and uncle about strange occurrences which I see now directly relate to the actions and life of my alters. I have the ability to talk to anybody I want to, although prudence leads me to stay silent (except for my blog). Okay, actually, I still am missing a lot of pieces…
One of my happiest memories as a child was my dad telling me that I could be anything I wanted to be. He gave me hope and showed me the doors to becoming whoever I wanted to be. My dad and mom were married as teenagers. They had to take whatever job they could get in order to pay the rent for the house my uncle bought for them. We lived in a nice middle class neighborhood in a decent school district. Beyond our neighborhood was a large farm. The kids would cross over the creek, building make-shift bridges would start a marvelous adventure. Then they would trek across the large corn-field, but when they saw the farmhouse they had to be careful because the farmer there would fire his rifle at the kids (as far as I know, nobody was ever injured during their adventures). Just beyond the farmhouse, at the other end of the corn-field was the *oh-so-awesome* *SECRET* military base with nuclear missals pointed at the USSR during the cold-war. Of course, this wasn’t much of a secret since all of the kids in the area knew where it was. The kids would come back talking about how they saw vehicles coming and going, it was surrounded by a barbed wire fence, it was guarded by men with M16’s. Of course my brothers NEVER let me go with them! Finally, when I was in junior high a friend of mine and I walked out there – and my curiosity was satisfied.
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Hypnosis at home, do I really get hypnotized? I am not sure if I can be truly hypnotized because of how my programming was set up. I was set up to go into a trance when ever the trigger was used. I know in general of one trigger, although I am unable to remember the full trigger as it was used. I know there were multiple triggers so that my alters could be brought out with or without access to a cb radio or cd/tape player. I believe the mind control was used to direct me towards obedience and actions relating mostly to sex, satanic rituals, or torture/pain. This ability they created (so to speak) caused me to be very focused in one direction based on the method they used to suppress me and bring out the alter of choice. An alter personality either focused on satanic rituals, or focused on sex – two very different yet very entwined mind states since they both can rely on the other. I still do not have my entire memory back relating to how the programming was done, however I know it was more than being strapped onto a table and being over stimulated with strobe lights combined with various sounds and smells and feelings. A big part of the programming relied on the satanists to reinforce what the government wanted from me. I am not sure if the gov’t had a specific purpose for training my split(s) a certain direction or if they were simply experimenting on certain groups of kids with various familial backgrounds and personalities. I do know though that a group of adults was needed for some of the programming in order to reinforce and continue the destruction of my identity.
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In a sense, the division of my personality into separate parts is more like the broken pieces of my heart. Left to heal on their own, there has been no shortage of scar tissue. This scar tissue, so to speak, became more like walls that separated each part. Each broken piece of my heart became self sufficient on its own. Some parts had been able to communicate with each other. My piece of the heart, however, had no communication or knowledge of any other bits. Maybe my heart was smaller or less capable than the hearts of others, but it was my heart and I would make the best of it. Read the rest of this entry