So, finally, like Alice before falling into wonderland, I saw the rabbit hole and dove in. Falling down a rabbit hole is not always quick. You move as fast or as slow as your mind allows. My husband researched hypnosis and we gave it a shot. I have a Ton of trust in my husband! Anyway, it really didn’t work at first. It took a while to make that leap of faith and allow my mind to fall into my husbands hands. I was down-right resistant to hypnosis. We tried to make it work for weeks, but gave up. Then somehow I gathered up the courage to let it all go and give it another shot.
At first my interior home was a disheveled shack. I went inside and looked for memories. The first memories to surface were most likely necessary in order for subsequent memories to build upon. My husband was very careful not to say anything that could give a hypnotic suggestion or color the manner the memories came up. Each memory provided a certain piece to my inner memory matrix. Each piece I grab helps bring another piece into reach.
For a long time (and still at times) I had intrusive images that were very disturbing flash into my head. While I became pretty good at suppressing them, it really wore me out if any image was particularly stubborn. Other times there was a memory carousel of sorts – flashes of various images showing up. My husband helped me to feel comfortable addressing these things instead of merely shoving them off. He helped me to stop the memory carousel from turning, go back to any image I wanted, grab it, take it down and really look at it.
The heart within knows the truth.
Some images were metaphorical in nature, and not to be taken literally while others were exact memories that I could take down and place back within the memory matrix. For single intrusive images I learned to practice courage while being afraid of what my mind was trying to tell me. It’s not easy.
This was invaluable in being able to move forward in healing from the hidden past.
As time wore on and I became more comfortable using hypnosis we discovered there was actually a castle – an interior castle. This castle was fortified with a weak little fence, and a whole bunch of landmines! The mines were representative of the various triggers that were set in place through psychological/mental programming. These mines all were set to go off if I had ever discovered a memory or even thought of the possibility that I lived a double life. There were hundreds of mines set up to go off when triggered. When triggered, the mine would blow, leaving me in the real world spinning into an out of control mess. Other times, just being chaotic and hopeless wasn’t enough – I was suicidal.
My mind had been set up to resort to anything in order to keep my core from knowing the truth.
So, during hypnosis I had to find all the mines and dis-arm each and every one. This took weeks to finish because there were so many! Usually each mine was set to trigger another mine as well, so I had to really explore the castle grounds for hidden wires. Each mine was also wired to the castle. I had to disconnect the mines to the castle as well. Sometimes, a landmine was stubborn and popped back up. When this happened I had to carefully disarm the mine in my brain and look deeper. Usually there was something keeping it from going away for good. Eventually I gave myself a hose with holy water to stop the mines from doing any evil – hey, when you are working in your head all you need is to believe!
My husband and I worked through hypnosis about 5 nights a week methodically. He is an analyst and has a passion for learning. He has no problem reading volumes of books or on the internet. Anyway, because of the love and trust that is already there for my husband that meant I did not have to take months getting comfortable with some therapist I do not know. We could also work through therapy at our own pace. Plus, I can call him any time. Once I became comfortable letting him into my head hypnotically we were able to progress pretty quickly. There were times we had to take a month off or so because I needed time to process what was going on inside of my selves, but then we would pick back up again.
Once the landmines were all dealt with and disposed of it was time to enter the castle. Upon entering, I discovered demons in every room – which meant spiritual and psychological battle. You see, I believe that we do battle in this world on two levels. We do battle temporally, with what and who we see, how we think, what we say and do. We also do battle morally or spiritually. That is when we face temptation to do something flat out wrong, or even just less good for us personally. I also believe that when a person lives with or is battling (use whatever phrase suits you best) a mental illness, I believe the devil uses that to his best advantage in order to prevent us from leaning on God, or to distract us, but always there is a much bigger picture that the devil is focused on painting or achieving – including doing his best to keep us from going to heaven.
So out came the sacramentals in my mind. I equipped myself with a back-pack that had a hose for holy water and a bag of St Benedict medals. I used various prayers or exorcisms to rid my mind of as much attachment or personal calling there could be to the demons. This all probably sounds strange – even to catholics, but after cleaning out the castle I did feel more peace.
My God, make us to be of one mind in the Truth and of one heart in charity
-St. Pius X