I’m Still Swimming…

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At this point in the beginning of my awakening, I had no real validation except for my mom telling me it was possible somebody had abused me and the single yet extremely short flashback containing nearly no information.  My mom has a twin sister – I will just refer to her as my aunt, and her husband will be the uncle I talk about in future posts.  If ever I do give names, they will be made up names.

Anyway, I had gone to my aunt for information.  You see, all of the babysitters my parents used were referred to them by my aunt and uncle.  I knew that my uncle knew them for a long time.  My aunt had heard of some scandal in the family of the elderly couple who babysat my brothers and I, although she claims she didn’t know what that was.  She said whatever it was had been enough for the other family friends to warn her against having her own kids watched by their family.  She would neither confirm nor deny any possibility of abuse or mistreatment.  She did however confirm the existence of the old man, previously I had been told he did not exist.  It seemed that whenever I searched for validation or some reason to keep pursuing my questions, I didn’t get it.  The problem is that I didn’t get anything at all to lead me to disprove any of the crazy memories or images either!

I had talked to my brothers.  Bro #3 doesn’t remember anything, although he has issues of his own.  Bro #2 informed me that we did not spend only 2 weeks at the old couples house – we spent 2 SUMMERS there!  Bro #1 said outright that he doesn’t remember what happened there – he knows he blocked it and has no intention of remembering.  So, this is like, evidence without having any evidence of sorts.  It is enough to drive me crazy.  Nobody could simply say – “you were never abused”  or  “nothing ever happened.”  I desperately wanted somebody to reinforce the lies I had believed my whole life.

My life felt more and more like Neo from The Matrix (1999).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQ1_IbFFbzA

That is the scene that expresses the beginning – my introduction into the life of DID/mind control.

It is not easy to accept that I have not been in control of my own life.  All it took was a simple phone call containing odd dissonant tones and code phrases to bring out the desired personality.  I only remember an introduction to the tones that were used.  I was told (which may be the truth) that every firehouse has a different series of tones they use in order to alert the firemen when a call came in who needed to go and what the call was about.  When I was a child, hearing the tones play over my uncles cb radio – well, I felt such peace and safety.  You see, my uncle was a fireman.  He is now the fire chief.  His firehouse is a family.  Since more memories surfaced, I know now he is a satanist.  He and the other families in the cult are firemen of course, but also policemen, doctors, lawyers, judges, scientists, and certainly government officials of various positions.  So, I am very paranoid.

I want to keep talking, but am getting dizzy.

There are so many things I kept from my teenage/college years.  All of it I see now has clues to the truth.  Take my obsession with doodling spirals.  I learned that is a pagan symbol.  Or the eight pointed star – also used in paganism.  However, it is also used in the government, and in Christianity.  Whatever the intent was for allowing me to “follow the star,” didn’t work because I thought of the 3 Magi/3 Wise Men/3 Kings of the Bible.  They were pagan astronomers who had learned of the star through generations of oral tradition and the science of their time.  They did not know who they were seeking, except that He was great – possibly God or a King.  They were pagans who sought God, and eventually converted.  Throughout my 20’s the Christmas Star became my own personal navigational symbol.  And, like some Christmas cards say,

“Wise Men Still Seek Him”

Nothing more than the thoughts and feelings of a woman who thinks too much and feels too much (August 1999)

Nothing more than the thoughts and feelings of a woman who thinks too much and feels too much (August 1999)

Whenever I feel triggered – I go back to thinking about God, and you know, I become safe again.  “The Lord is my refuge”

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