Chapter 1, Continued…

It is good to have the internet again!  After over two months away – I am finally able to continue what I began.  The date I signed up with WordPress was September 19 which was the feast of Our Lady of La Salette.  Here are a couple sites which give information on Our Lady of La Salette:

http://www.catholictradition.org/Mary/salette.htm

http://www.lasalette.org/

I am devoted to Our Lady under this title “Our Lady of La Salette, Reconciler of Sinners.”  It is fitting that today, the feast of the Immaculate Conception we have internet access back.  Thank You, Blessed Virgin Mary!

To add to my previous post “Growing Up Me, Chapter 1” I would like to point out how utterly shocking it has been to come to grips with the truth.  There is really no clear way that I can come up with to express what it is like to think your life is one way, and then to realize there is a whole lot more than you know!  I mean, I really thought I knew what was going on.  I really believed I was with certain friends all the time.  I really believed I was home playing solitaire on my computer if I was not with those friends.  I believed my aunt and uncle were good people who really helped our family!  I believed I was a virgin until a certain age.  I really believed I was a normal shy girl who never suffered abuse!   Anyway, there is so much to express and nobody to express it to safely.  I do not want the people who did this to me to know that I know. Before getting to some of the more interesting stuff, I must express the process that brought me here.

Clues within married life.

During our first year of marriage, my husband and I talked about some memories I had which were incomplete.  I asked my mom if it was at all possible that I could have been abused, and she said yes, that it was possible because a babysitter my parents used was rumored to have abused boys in the neighborhood.  When my mom heard that she stopped using that babysitter.  That was a bit of validation, but without the missing puzzle pieces I couldn’t very well fix/heal/move on.

My husband and I have also had trouble with our intimate life.  This was the initial motivator for figuring all this out.  Whenever we were intimate, my husband would pick up intense anger and hatred for the act and towards him.  Needless to say, that made things very hard on him.  To begin with, I had no clue so much of my own self was hiding from me.  So, naturally, I told him that he was crazy, acting nuts, I love him, I enjoy our intimacy and so on.  But, that did not change anything.  He tried to ignore what he felt in his gut – but it persisted.

Eventually, I was left with one option – to ask myself the question,

“What if he’s right?”  And “If he is right, HOW could that be?”

Answering those questions honestly has been the hardest thing so far that I have done.

Another step…

We tried talking about what I remembered for several years.  We didn’t get very far.  In fact, I often times resorted back to telling my husband how crazy he is for thinking that I can’t stand to be intimate with him.  Oh, I also talked to several different counselors since I was about 20.  Each one of them directed me away from the ultimate truth.

Things came to a head as my dad recovered from back surgery.  The images in my mind were intrusive, disgusting, and becoming harder to fight.  I understand now what caused some of that was the internal conflict between myself and my alters.  I wanted to be very helpful – my dad was nearly paralyzed and it is a miracle he wasn’t.  He needed help, and I really wanted to be there for him, but the pieces inside would not allow it.  My alters couldn’t trust anyone, and certainly couldn’t do consistent acts of charity.  I didn’t understand any of it and that caused much strife.

My dad noticed something was bothering me, and so one Sunday at church he lead me to a statue of St. Padre Pio.  “Padre Pio is wonderful and always helps me,” he said.  I lit a candle and in my mind prayed for HELP!”

That very night I had the first flashback.

The memory was short and limited.  All I saw were a boy’s arms over me – he was pinning me down.  As this flashback occurred, I was back in the moment – actually, everything I could see would switch between reality and the memory.  My husband in reality was trying to hold me still while I was reacting by physically wrestling him and murmuring as if I was back in the moment.  He did not know what was going on until I explained what I saw. There was very little information from this flashback, but it was so real.  Since it happened the evening after praying intently for St. Padre Pio’s help, I felt there was something to hang on to.  At the very least there was a thread I could pull!

After that flashback there was no question anymore whether or not things happened which I did not remember.  Instead the question became who did it, what happened, where, how and why was I abused?  After a lot of mental work trying to remember I figured a couple things out.  For one thing, the babysitter rumored to abuse boys in the neighborhood did not abuse me, however I believe he may have abused my younger brother.  The elderly woman who babysat for my brothers and I – she was a mean and bitter old woman – well, my mom was told that she was alone.  I found out later from my aunt that the old lady was in fact not alone and her husband was living at the time we were watched by her.  As a child, when you are told things are a certain way – well, I believed it.  I would ask my mom about there being someone else there at the house and she replied that only the old lady was there.  Eventually I told my mom that I was afraid of the monster upstairs in that house, but she really didn’t know what I was referring to.  My mom was told the old man was at work during the day.

There were other children who were babysat at that old house.  I could never keep up with them.  It felt like they were running away from me.  One day, they ran up the stairs and into the bedroom.  I ran up to be with the group.  Suddenly, everybody stopped what they were doing, turned, and ran.  The door was shut before I could follow them.  I didn’t know there was any danger.  They did.  They knew the danger and they left.  The old man appeared behind me.  He sat down in his blue chair which was between a window and his nightstand.  He talked to me about …

That was all I remembered for the longest time until I “woke up” half-way down the stairs.

My brothers and I all hated that place.  Brothers number 1 and 2 ran off with the other kids as soon as we got out of the car.  Sometimes my younger brother (#3) was able to stick with the group, but for whatever reason I could not.  I was left behind.

Eventually I remembered some of the abuse which happened by that old man.  I remembered it, but didn’t accept it.

The further and further I crept into this rabbit hole, the deeper and deeper I went without any real understanding.  I had a flashback of implied rape but it was a limited memory, I had remembered what the old man did, my husband could not ignore his gut and needed to know what was going on.  The more I remembered, the more I realized how much I needed to remember!  My questions were only partially answered and no matter how hard I tried mentally, I could not force my brain to open up.

I became more and more determined to search out and find the truth.  One tool that I could use as often as I wanted was and is prayer.  I can not stress enough how important it is to lean on God.  He has NOT abandoned anyone, He allows human free will to continue.  In my case, circumstances lead me into the lions den.   I had consecrated myself to Mary according to “True Devotion to Mary” by St. Louis de Montfort and left everything up to the mother of Jesus Christ.  I also prayed often the novena to the Holy Ghost that I may know the truth and only accept the truth.  The last thing I ever wanted was to believe any more lies, or falsely accuse anyone of abuse.

If you ask God for the Truth, He will help you!

 

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