Monthly Archives: December 2014

Seeking my interior castle through hypnosis

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So, finally, like Alice before falling into wonderland, I saw the rabbit hole and dove in.  Falling down a rabbit hole is not always quick.  You move as fast or as slow as your mind allows.  My husband researched hypnosis and we gave it a shot.  I have a Ton of trust in my husband!  Anyway, it really didn’t work at first.  It took a while to make that leap of faith and allow my mind to fall into my husbands hands.  I was down-right resistant to hypnosis.  We tried to make it work for weeks, but gave up.  Then somehow I gathered up the courage to let it all go and give it another shot.

At first my interior home was a disheveled shack.  I went inside and looked for memories.  The first memories to surface were most likely necessary in order for subsequent memories to build upon.  My husband was very careful not to say anything that could give a hypnotic suggestion or color the manner the memories came up.  Each memory provided a certain piece to my inner memory matrix.  Each piece I grab helps bring another piece into reach.

For a long time (and still at times) I had intrusive images that were very disturbing flash into my head.  While I became pretty good at suppressing them, it really wore me out if any image was particularly stubborn.  Other times there was a memory carousel of sorts – flashes of various images showing up.  My husband helped me to feel comfortable addressing these things instead of merely shoving them off.  He helped me to stop the memory carousel from turning, go back to any image I wanted, grab it, take it down and really look at it.

The heart within knows the truth.

Some images were metaphorical in nature, and not to be taken literally while others were exact memories that I could take down and place back within the memory matrix.  For single intrusive images I learned to practice courage while being afraid of what my mind was trying to tell me.  It’s not easy.

This was invaluable in being able to move forward in healing from the hidden past.

As time wore on and I became more comfortable using hypnosis we discovered there was actually a castle – an interior castle.  This castle was fortified with a weak little fence, and a whole bunch of landmines!  The mines were representative of the various triggers that were set in place through psychological/mental programming.  These mines all were set to go off if I had ever discovered a memory or even thought of the possibility that I lived a double life.  There were hundreds of mines set up to go off when triggered.  When triggered, the mine would blow, leaving me in the real world spinning into an out of control mess.  Other times, just being chaotic and hopeless wasn’t enough – I was suicidal.

My mind had been set up to resort to anything in order to keep my core from knowing the truth.

So, during hypnosis I had to find all the mines and dis-arm each and every one.  This took weeks to finish because there were so many!  Usually each mine was set to trigger another mine as well, so I had to really explore the castle grounds for hidden wires. Each mine was also wired to the castle.  I had to disconnect the mines to the castle as well.  Sometimes, a landmine was stubborn and popped back up.  When this happened I had to carefully disarm the mine in my brain and look deeper.  Usually there was something keeping it from going away for good.  Eventually I gave myself a hose with holy water to stop the mines from doing any evil – hey, when you are working in your head all you need is to believe!

My husband and I worked through hypnosis about 5 nights a week methodically.  He is an analyst and has a passion for learning.  He has no problem reading volumes of books or on the internet.  Anyway, because of the love and trust that is already there for my husband that meant I did not have to take months getting comfortable with some therapist I do not know.  We could also work through therapy at our own pace.  Plus, I can call him any time.  Once I became comfortable letting him into my head hypnotically we were able to progress  pretty quickly.  There were times we had to take a month off or so because I needed time to process what was going on inside of my selves, but then we would pick back up again.

Once the landmines were all dealt with and disposed of it was time to enter the castle.  Upon entering, I discovered demons in every room – which meant spiritual and psychological battle.  You see, I believe that we do battle in this world on two levels.  We do battle temporally, with what and who we see, how we think, what we say and do.  We also do battle morally or spiritually.  That is when we face temptation to do something flat out wrong, or even just less good for us personally.  I also believe that when a person lives with or is battling (use whatever phrase suits you best) a mental illness, I believe the devil uses that to his best advantage in order to prevent us from leaning on God, or to distract us, but always there is a much bigger picture that the devil is focused on painting or achieving – including doing his best to keep us from going to heaven.

So out came the sacramentals in my mind.  I equipped myself with a back-pack that had a hose for holy water and a bag of St Benedict medals.  I used various prayers or exorcisms to rid my mind of as much attachment or personal calling there could be to the demons.  This all probably sounds strange – even to catholics, but after cleaning out the castle I did feel more peace.

My God, make us to be of one mind in the Truth and of one heart in charity

-St. Pius X

Back to the beginning…

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Discovering something severe did occur in my childhood was not easy to accept – even though I had enough reason to accept it.  Anything short of the truth simply would not be enough.  I had to know what really happened and if I was barking up the wrong tree.  I needed validation.  Walking this path without proof has been an excellent exercise in practicing faith and hope in prayer and real life, let me tell ya!  It means leaning on God and believing He is not only listening to your prayers, but guiding you from within as well.

Still, my personal need for validation overwhelmed me and I gave in to it.  About 8 months after talking to a priest, I talked again to my aunt.  I asked her more about the old babysitter, she gave me more information on them.  I brought up the flashbacks I had (I expressed these in previous posts).  That was when her anxiety became visible.  She shifted her stance, rolled her eyes so hard her head went along too.

I did my best to allow her to put the blame on me.  I told her these could be false memories, that I am just trying to figure out what happened.  She went back to the old couple who babysat my brothers and I.  I had even brought up my uncle when talking about the memories that came up, but she did not bother once trying to defend anyone.

My aunt was already mad at my mom (her twin) for wanting to find the daughter my aunt had given up for adoption (this girl one of my alters is named for so my aunt could play mom to me/her).  When this recent development came up, my aunt decided to give up any relationship with my mom.  How do you do that to your own twin sister?  How do you betray your own family so much that you allow your own niece to be used in cult practices?? I don’t understand – but I do know that I will be required to forgive those that hurt me!  Argh – anyway…

I did what I could to mend my mom’s relationship with her twin.  I sent a letter giving my aunt every opportunity to say “none of this is true, you are wrong,” but she wouldn’t do it.  My mom had asked her sister if it was possible my uncle may have abused me, could anything have happened – but my aunt refused to answer that question.  She only acted offended, yet refused to say that her husband never abused me.  She wouldn’t even lie.  There were so many times I wished somebody would tell me nothing ever happened.  Then I could go on believing the lies I had been fed.

My dad heard by this point that I thought I may have been abused as a child.  His reaction was mixed,  half denial, half shock.  I haven’t brought it up again with my parents.  This was a couple years ago.

This event pretty much ended the preliminary searching and questioning my view of reality.  This experience helped me to see there is in fact more to my life than I or anyone else has been willing to admit.  Nobody could tell me the truth, and that meant I had to go deep within my self in order to unlock the memories already there, just hidden.

A couple months later my husband and I began our own therapy.  Honestly, I believe this works out best for us. I had been to several therapists in the past, none of whom were any help.  I saw a psychiatrist who only diagnosed me with ADHD.

I had NO idea how well my husband and I matched up when we got married.  God really did have a plan for us.  My husband has a very unique life history which combined with his God-given nature has made him the best man for the job!  It is like God guided our lives (given how human free will has impacted us in tremendous negative ways it astounds me that God somehow did this without going against free will) in such a way that everything the devil did, God was able to out-do!  Which, makes sense – God is all-powerful omnipotent – it just puts me in awe when I think about the semi-big picture.  Even through all the pain thrust at me as a child, even though it seemed like the devil may win because numerous people around me knowingly rejected God, somehow – I have a lot to be thankful for!

Even though the truth hurts, it does set you free.  Even though I suffer low lows along with nice level times – somehow – even when I fall, God is right there waiting and offering me a hand up (even when I’m too hurt to believe it).

Triggered by Parenting

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Today began pretty normal – tired waking up, but readying my self for a new day.  The older kids went to school while the little ones stay behind.  To begin with I felt very positive.  I said morning prayers and intended to write about my experiences with angels.  Then something happened.  My daughters started fighting – not the physical fighting, but the kind of fighting that leaves you feeling unwanted and left out.

A door slams.

“She won’t play with me!”

I go in and try to bring peace and unity to siblings.  The younger girls want to be like their older sisters.  Today, one of my daughters is home sick.  So my 5 year old decided she was going to play in her sister’s room – without her 3 year old sister.  Naturally the 3 yo is upset.  I find a solution with a different set of toys she could play with in the living room.  So what happens, the two older sisters come out and start playing with the toys I set up for my 3 yo.  Emotions soar quickly in a house of girls!  My 3 year old goes 0 to 60 emotionally in half a second it seems.

The trigger strengthens.

I yelled, “NO, you have to play nicely together!”   Immediately I feel terrible about yelling and within minutes sink into complete hopelessness.  I deal with that by texting my poor husband at work.  It helps me, but can’t say its easy for him to deal with.  Just prior to this I had texted him that I was quitting potty training – It feels impossible to be consistent at anything.  Through the texting I continued to express how angry and hopeless I was, how worthless I feel as a parent, and my “Why” questions about God.

My husband is pretty used to me by now.  He responded after the flurry of emotional texts was over without reacting to my emotions.  He suggested that I was triggered.  He was correct.  So, in spite of myself I started calming down at the mere suggestion that I was being triggered.

I still do not feel safe in groups.  As a child, the other kids around always left me behind.  They left me alone to be abused.  My brothers left me behind, my parents left me behind, and groups of kids left me behind.  So, when one of my kids gets upset that someone won’t play with them – I get triggered.  The problem is, I’m not sure there is anything I can do to prevent that experience from occurring.  Knowing now this is a trigger will help.  The trouble is with calming the intensity that being triggered imposes on the mind and body.

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“When you feel the assaults of passion and anger, then is the time to be silent as Jesus was silent in the midst of his ignominies and sufferings.”  — St Paul of the Cross (1694-1775)

Hello, my name is Josie?

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Hello, my name is Josie.  🙂  (One of the alters)  Here I thought I had so much to say!  Anyway, I had a dream last night.  I was looking at a photo album with baby pictures of myself.  There was a picture of a very cute baby girl.  Now that we have access to more memories from the core (Dory) I know – that baby looked nothing like my real baby pictures!  Funny, huh?  It’s just wierd…

I was named for my aunt’s (supposedly my mother) daughter who she gave up for adoption.  The other Josie was actually a year older than I actually am!  They even gave me her birthday!  Since my aunt and real mom are twin sisters, people would mix them up regularly.  That way when someone came up to me/Dory/whoever the heck I was and asked how my mom was doing it didn’t matter who was the front person, because Dory would always say “oh, you must mean my aunt – she is my mom’s twin sister” and they would be like, “oh, tell her I say hi.”  One time somebody made a mistake.  The conversation started the same – “how’s your mom” yada yada. But she went on this time – Oh, I had no idea she has a twin sister.  Then she let out a little more…  “I thought you were adopted by another family in the area, but would still spend time with [the aunt], I thought you knew”

Usually, people would stop talking after they heard our aunt was a twin.  This was interesting anyway.  So, I am not really the real person — How do you like that??  I had friends and a whole social circle of people that I really thought had some sense of loyalty.  No, now I find out they probably were more interested in the novelty of being involved with someone they had the ability to control!  I am reminded of Dory hearing about how everybody loves Josie, not so much her.  That is because she is a good Catholic girl – not the kind of person my friends would typically befriend unless they could turn her.   I have learned they are loyal to the point of something being in it for themselves.

If the people who did this to us could be equated with vampires, then Dory married Van Helsing.  A very loyal and stubborn man!  Ever since getting married we have had no contact with them – and we are happy for it!  I like Dory’s life.  It gets a little lonely without friends – but to be honest I don’t have much in common with anybody.

I don’t feel like a slave to the devil anymore.  Being free spiritually is so much better than being a slave to the devil with many friends.  Without our husband we would still be involved in the rituals and surely the programming would get updated.

From Psalm 30:

Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am afflicted: my eye is troubled with wrath, my soul, and my belly:

[11] For my life is wasted with grief: and my years in sighs. My strength is weakened through poverty and my bones are disturbed. [12] I am become a reproach among all my enemies, and very much to my neighbours; and a fear to my acquaintance. They that saw me without fled from me. [13] I am forgotten as one dead from the heart. I am become as a vessel that is destroyed.[14] For I have heard the blame of many that dwell round about. While they assembled together against me, they consulted to take away my life. [15] But I have put my trust in thee, O Lord: I said: Thou art my God.

[16] My lots are in thy hands. Deliver me out of the hands of my enemies; and from them that persecute me. [17] Make thy face to shine upon thy servant; save me in thy mercy. [18] Let me not be confounded, O Lord, for I have called upon thee. Let the wicked be ashamed, and be brought down to hell. [19] Let deceitful lips be made dumb. Which speak iniquity against the just, with pride and abuse. [20] O how great is the multitude of thy sweetness, O Lord, which thou hast hidden for them that fear thee! Which thou hast wrought for them that hope in thee, in the sight of the sons of men.

http://drbo.org/chapter/21030.htm

3 Memories, Ch. 2

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Along with the memories which made some sense to me that I could actually place within some kind of sense of my own reality were other memories that made no sense and would not fit easily within the chronology of my life.  These memories fell into two categories:  Science or Mind Control, Rituals and Ritual Abuse.

***These may be triggering for other people with DID***

 

#1          This took place in the mid 1980’s.            I remember laying in the dark, strapped down to a cold table in a cold dark room.  Then I would see a man – not very tall, probably in his 60’s, medium length salt and pepper hair.  He wore glasses and a lab coat.  Leather straps prevented me from turning my head.  I could not move.  I remember him leaning in, staring at me like I was some rat he was experimenting on. (Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage, thank you Smashing Pumpkins)  There were strobe lights flashing, they just kept flashing – and the lights would change speed on occasion.  All I could see was the bright white flashes filling this makeshift lab.  Then the flashes would turn to red – that was my attempt to close my eyes and avoid the visual over-stimulation.   Eventually (this type of thing happened many times) I had started seeing things after the lights were used – actually, I saw demons.  That monster scarred me so thoroughly, I screamed so loud – that was when the doctor leaned in, when I was the most vulnerable and frightened, “you are not who you think you are, you do not live with your parents…”  He provided the framework to split my personality.  He, and my uncle, fully intended to give me a split personality.

#2          Under the other category, the first images to pop up consisted of men carrying torches while walking to a certain place.   It seemed pretty “Frankenstein” like.  As time went on, I have actually recovered more of the memories pertaining to ritual abuse, than the splitting of my personality.

It was very difficult to discern the truth.  Were these things coming from the devil just to torment me?  Was this coming from my own imagination as a way to explain certain difficulties I’ve had through life?  I had prayed and worked for so long, but it wasn’t enough.  I decided to talk to the parish priest.

He was honest and said he didn’t know what to say!  He asked my permission to go to his superior about our conversation, and I certainly gave him the permission.  Later on, he got back to me with a deliverance statement which his superior obtained from an exorcist.  This was not an exorcism, but a way to curb the effects of the devil and open the path for God’s help.  I don’t have the time right now, but will create a page with this statement of deliverance on it.  I made this deliverance every day and trusted as hard as possible – I prayed that God would help me to know the truth about my life.  God is Truth, right?  There can be only one truth, just like there can be only one truth about my life – and God knows it, I just need the courage and strength to accept the truth!

After a couple months came the next flashback.  This one, like my first one, was real – I was re-experiencing this memory.  Even though I was re-experiencing a memory, I still had a couple blank spots, but, there was a lot more information given this time!

#3          My uncle brought me outside.  He lived in an old house on about an acre of land.  There was a group of men standing outside waiting for us.  My uncle had a very serious look on his face.

This seemed to be some sort of initiation involving being covered with spiders, and rape by a person wearing an animal head.  I am sorry if that is too much for anyone reading…

When it was over we walked inside.  My aunt was inside the kitchen, wearing her robe.  Her hair was pulled back.  She was crying, asking what was going on.  My uncle put me to bed and said he was going to “take care of” my aunt.  I didn’t see her the next day.

As horrible as it is to finally remember these things, it also feels really good to know more and more pieces of the truth.

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I’m Still Swimming…

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At this point in the beginning of my awakening, I had no real validation except for my mom telling me it was possible somebody had abused me and the single yet extremely short flashback containing nearly no information.  My mom has a twin sister – I will just refer to her as my aunt, and her husband will be the uncle I talk about in future posts.  If ever I do give names, they will be made up names.

Anyway, I had gone to my aunt for information.  You see, all of the babysitters my parents used were referred to them by my aunt and uncle.  I knew that my uncle knew them for a long time.  My aunt had heard of some scandal in the family of the elderly couple who babysat my brothers and I, although she claims she didn’t know what that was.  She said whatever it was had been enough for the other family friends to warn her against having her own kids watched by their family.  She would neither confirm nor deny any possibility of abuse or mistreatment.  She did however confirm the existence of the old man, previously I had been told he did not exist.  It seemed that whenever I searched for validation or some reason to keep pursuing my questions, I didn’t get it.  The problem is that I didn’t get anything at all to lead me to disprove any of the crazy memories or images either!

I had talked to my brothers.  Bro #3 doesn’t remember anything, although he has issues of his own.  Bro #2 informed me that we did not spend only 2 weeks at the old couples house – we spent 2 SUMMERS there!  Bro #1 said outright that he doesn’t remember what happened there – he knows he blocked it and has no intention of remembering.  So, this is like, evidence without having any evidence of sorts.  It is enough to drive me crazy.  Nobody could simply say – “you were never abused”  or  “nothing ever happened.”  I desperately wanted somebody to reinforce the lies I had believed my whole life.

My life felt more and more like Neo from The Matrix (1999).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQ1_IbFFbzA

That is the scene that expresses the beginning – my introduction into the life of DID/mind control.

It is not easy to accept that I have not been in control of my own life.  All it took was a simple phone call containing odd dissonant tones and code phrases to bring out the desired personality.  I only remember an introduction to the tones that were used.  I was told (which may be the truth) that every firehouse has a different series of tones they use in order to alert the firemen when a call came in who needed to go and what the call was about.  When I was a child, hearing the tones play over my uncles cb radio – well, I felt such peace and safety.  You see, my uncle was a fireman.  He is now the fire chief.  His firehouse is a family.  Since more memories surfaced, I know now he is a satanist.  He and the other families in the cult are firemen of course, but also policemen, doctors, lawyers, judges, scientists, and certainly government officials of various positions.  So, I am very paranoid.

I want to keep talking, but am getting dizzy.

There are so many things I kept from my teenage/college years.  All of it I see now has clues to the truth.  Take my obsession with doodling spirals.  I learned that is a pagan symbol.  Or the eight pointed star – also used in paganism.  However, it is also used in the government, and in Christianity.  Whatever the intent was for allowing me to “follow the star,” didn’t work because I thought of the 3 Magi/3 Wise Men/3 Kings of the Bible.  They were pagan astronomers who had learned of the star through generations of oral tradition and the science of their time.  They did not know who they were seeking, except that He was great – possibly God or a King.  They were pagans who sought God, and eventually converted.  Throughout my 20’s the Christmas Star became my own personal navigational symbol.  And, like some Christmas cards say,

“Wise Men Still Seek Him”

Nothing more than the thoughts and feelings of a woman who thinks too much and feels too much (August 1999)

Nothing more than the thoughts and feelings of a woman who thinks too much and feels too much (August 1999)

Whenever I feel triggered – I go back to thinking about God, and you know, I become safe again.  “The Lord is my refuge”

Chapter 1, Continued…

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It is good to have the internet again!  After over two months away – I am finally able to continue what I began.  The date I signed up with WordPress was September 19 which was the feast of Our Lady of La Salette.  Here are a couple sites which give information on Our Lady of La Salette:

http://www.catholictradition.org/Mary/salette.htm

http://www.lasalette.org/

I am devoted to Our Lady under this title “Our Lady of La Salette, Reconciler of Sinners.”  It is fitting that today, the feast of the Immaculate Conception we have internet access back.  Thank You, Blessed Virgin Mary!

To add to my previous post “Growing Up Me, Chapter 1” I would like to point out how utterly shocking it has been to come to grips with the truth.  There is really no clear way that I can come up with to express what it is like to think your life is one way, and then to realize there is a whole lot more than you know!  I mean, I really thought I knew what was going on.  I really believed I was with certain friends all the time.  I really believed I was home playing solitaire on my computer if I was not with those friends.  I believed my aunt and uncle were good people who really helped our family!  I believed I was a virgin until a certain age.  I really believed I was a normal shy girl who never suffered abuse!   Anyway, there is so much to express and nobody to express it to safely.  I do not want the people who did this to me to know that I know. Before getting to some of the more interesting stuff, I must express the process that brought me here.

Clues within married life.

During our first year of marriage, my husband and I talked about some memories I had which were incomplete.  I asked my mom if it was at all possible that I could have been abused, and she said yes, that it was possible because a babysitter my parents used was rumored to have abused boys in the neighborhood.  When my mom heard that she stopped using that babysitter.  That was a bit of validation, but without the missing puzzle pieces I couldn’t very well fix/heal/move on.

My husband and I have also had trouble with our intimate life.  This was the initial motivator for figuring all this out.  Whenever we were intimate, my husband would pick up intense anger and hatred for the act and towards him.  Needless to say, that made things very hard on him.  To begin with, I had no clue so much of my own self was hiding from me.  So, naturally, I told him that he was crazy, acting nuts, I love him, I enjoy our intimacy and so on.  But, that did not change anything.  He tried to ignore what he felt in his gut – but it persisted.

Eventually, I was left with one option – to ask myself the question,

“What if he’s right?”  And “If he is right, HOW could that be?”

Answering those questions honestly has been the hardest thing so far that I have done.

Another step…

We tried talking about what I remembered for several years.  We didn’t get very far.  In fact, I often times resorted back to telling my husband how crazy he is for thinking that I can’t stand to be intimate with him.  Oh, I also talked to several different counselors since I was about 20.  Each one of them directed me away from the ultimate truth.

Things came to a head as my dad recovered from back surgery.  The images in my mind were intrusive, disgusting, and becoming harder to fight.  I understand now what caused some of that was the internal conflict between myself and my alters.  I wanted to be very helpful – my dad was nearly paralyzed and it is a miracle he wasn’t.  He needed help, and I really wanted to be there for him, but the pieces inside would not allow it.  My alters couldn’t trust anyone, and certainly couldn’t do consistent acts of charity.  I didn’t understand any of it and that caused much strife.

My dad noticed something was bothering me, and so one Sunday at church he lead me to a statue of St. Padre Pio.  “Padre Pio is wonderful and always helps me,” he said.  I lit a candle and in my mind prayed for HELP!”

That very night I had the first flashback.

The memory was short and limited.  All I saw were a boy’s arms over me – he was pinning me down.  As this flashback occurred, I was back in the moment – actually, everything I could see would switch between reality and the memory.  My husband in reality was trying to hold me still while I was reacting by physically wrestling him and murmuring as if I was back in the moment.  He did not know what was going on until I explained what I saw. There was very little information from this flashback, but it was so real.  Since it happened the evening after praying intently for St. Padre Pio’s help, I felt there was something to hang on to.  At the very least there was a thread I could pull!

After that flashback there was no question anymore whether or not things happened which I did not remember.  Instead the question became who did it, what happened, where, how and why was I abused?  After a lot of mental work trying to remember I figured a couple things out.  For one thing, the babysitter rumored to abuse boys in the neighborhood did not abuse me, however I believe he may have abused my younger brother.  The elderly woman who babysat for my brothers and I – she was a mean and bitter old woman – well, my mom was told that she was alone.  I found out later from my aunt that the old lady was in fact not alone and her husband was living at the time we were watched by her.  As a child, when you are told things are a certain way – well, I believed it.  I would ask my mom about there being someone else there at the house and she replied that only the old lady was there.  Eventually I told my mom that I was afraid of the monster upstairs in that house, but she really didn’t know what I was referring to.  My mom was told the old man was at work during the day.

There were other children who were babysat at that old house.  I could never keep up with them.  It felt like they were running away from me.  One day, they ran up the stairs and into the bedroom.  I ran up to be with the group.  Suddenly, everybody stopped what they were doing, turned, and ran.  The door was shut before I could follow them.  I didn’t know there was any danger.  They did.  They knew the danger and they left.  The old man appeared behind me.  He sat down in his blue chair which was between a window and his nightstand.  He talked to me about …

That was all I remembered for the longest time until I “woke up” half-way down the stairs.

My brothers and I all hated that place.  Brothers number 1 and 2 ran off with the other kids as soon as we got out of the car.  Sometimes my younger brother (#3) was able to stick with the group, but for whatever reason I could not.  I was left behind.

Eventually I remembered some of the abuse which happened by that old man.  I remembered it, but didn’t accept it.

The further and further I crept into this rabbit hole, the deeper and deeper I went without any real understanding.  I had a flashback of implied rape but it was a limited memory, I had remembered what the old man did, my husband could not ignore his gut and needed to know what was going on.  The more I remembered, the more I realized how much I needed to remember!  My questions were only partially answered and no matter how hard I tried mentally, I could not force my brain to open up.

I became more and more determined to search out and find the truth.  One tool that I could use as often as I wanted was and is prayer.  I can not stress enough how important it is to lean on God.  He has NOT abandoned anyone, He allows human free will to continue.  In my case, circumstances lead me into the lions den.   I had consecrated myself to Mary according to “True Devotion to Mary” by St. Louis de Montfort and left everything up to the mother of Jesus Christ.  I also prayed often the novena to the Holy Ghost that I may know the truth and only accept the truth.  The last thing I ever wanted was to believe any more lies, or falsely accuse anyone of abuse.

If you ask God for the Truth, He will help you!